19 February 2010


(Photograph copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)

Oh, what a week! It's melting! The snow is melting! Woo Hoo! You can't see me, but I'm jumping for joy and doing the happy dance all over the house. I hate, loathe and revile all things winter. Skiing is for chumps. Skating is just a way to hurt yourself on a very hard surface. Blech. Let other people do all that stuff. The Boy has pointed out that every time I crow about good weather it turns nasty, but he can just go....read his paper. It's sunny and clear and almost 40 degrees, and in the City of Wind at this time of year, every day like that is a bonus. So there.

We're also going to the PAWS (Pets Are Worth Saving) shelter to look at kittens. How did we get here? Why are we going for the three cat household? Who knows? Who cares? The sun is out!

To work.... As always, you can find the letters at Dear Prudence .

1. What a mess! I have been where you are, and nothing makes me more uncomfortable and downright angry than someone who seems the think that the world would be a better place if we only "forgave" and "got together" with our miserable, scum-sucking, foul families as if nothing ever happened...like getting pounded on, verbally abused, lied to and so on. I know. I've been there.

You know what it's like to find peace and learn to be happy without even thinking about the hell you went through. You know how hard it was to get there, and you know how hard it's been to stay there. You know that you'll never forget what happened to you - you can only learn to live with it and not let it continue to blight your life. I also know how fragile that peace is when you have someone demanding that you obey them and let the ugly people back into your life.

When people do this to you - and what your sister IS doing to you - makes you feel like second-guessing yourself, as if maybe YOU did something wrong. You feel as if you're being battered by memory. The nightmares come back. Suddenly it feels as if the safe place you've worked so hard to build is in danger. You know that what you did do is not only survive, but make a life and choose a family that makes you happy. You know that this...person... has no idea what she's talking about, but she's STILL causing you all kinds of pain.

You have the right NOT to have to listen to this. You've earned it, you've fought for it, and it's yours. Don't let some stranger hurt you all over again. Also, don't kid yourself. Your "sister" knows how you feel about this and she's STILL demanding that you see that sick bitch of a woman that gave birth to you. Is she that clueless or did the apple not fall far from the tree there?

You wonder what to do? Wonder no more. Tell your "sister" to


and then tell her why. I will demonstrate.

Hey, shithead! What part of "no" are you having trouble with? I DONT want to have anything to do with that waste of skin that gave birth to us. That woman is living proof that psycho-abusive-moronic-sluts-from-hell (sounds like a good movie title...I must remember that) are capable of not ripping the dicks off the creeps they pick up until AFTER she fucks them enough times to get knocked up. Get it yet, kid? No?

I was actually hoping that the next time I ever heard a thing about her was someone telling me she's dead so I can throw a party. Got that? No?

Ok. I can list all of the shitty things she's done to me. And you, even though you don't remember them. Just keep in mind that WE WERE TAKEN AWAY FROM HER, and that there was a reason for that. YOU were lucky enough to get adopted. That's the only difference between us. I can tell you what she did and how. I know that whatever that dried up piece of fermented shit is telling you, she's lying. Did she give you some sob story about how "hard" her life was? Don't listen for a second.

Now, I don't want to hear about this ever again. I want to go about my life and pretend that you never existed, that you never contacted me and that my mother is dead. Because to me, she is dead and has been for a long time. Keep nagging me about her and you'll suffer the same fate. Don't talk to me, don't call me, don't e-mail me - pretend I never existed, too. Just. Go. Away.

Or...we could talk restraining order.

(If that fails....quit the networking site, don't take her phone calls, and if she e-mails, delete the messages without even opening them, and yes...consider a restraining order. You might also consider asking her if her adoptive family was as awful as her biological one. She has to have some reason for hounding you over this.)

2. Awwww! Poor widdle girly-poo! Doesn't know how to play with the grownups, just fuck them. Better go play with your Barbies in the playroom. Whatever are you going to to?


I can't believe you're actually so stupid that you don't know what's going on. Seriously.

So, if you were fucking your husband while he was still married, if you fell for the "my wife doesn't understand me" line of crap, then you deserve whatever you get. I have no sympathy for you. He got a nurse, you got a purse, that's the deal here, sugar. At least you had the brains to get knocked up fast. When you start to wrinkle and he trades you in for another little cookie who falls for the line, at least you'll have child support to get you through.

The women that terrify you so much have seen this happen before, and they probably think you're temporary. They probably ALSO were the ones that had to deal with the ex-wife crying and upset over the slutty bottle blonde your husband was screwing around with. (Oh, you're not a blonde? Well darling, what makes you think you were the only one?) They resent you, they think you're nothing but a boring little piece of meat, and they don't want to bother getting to know you because as I said before, they figure you're only temporary.


Let's say, for the sake of argument, that this is True Love, and that you are genuinely flummoxed as to how to handle being ignored by the grownups... There are some things you need to do:

a) Tell your husband to quit treating you like his fuckpuppet and bragging about your looks. Tell him it's disrespectful and that you expect better from him.

b) Like Prudie says, if you eat at the kiddie table, don't be surprised if you're dismissed as one of the kids. Why should anyone take you seriously if you obviously prefer the company of the nursery to the salon?

c) If you don't have anything to say, then GET something. READ the papers, pay attention to what's going on around you, hell, get a job and talk to grownups EVERY DAY. If all you can do is sit at your husband's side gazing worshipfully up at him and change diapers during your breaks, then you need to get a grip. You don't look interesting in the least.

d) Dress and act like a grownup. I know you claim to dress "modestly", but pay attention. When you have one of these dinner parties, what is everyone else wearing? I'm guessing not jeans and t-shirts. If that's your wardrobe, then you'd better re-think that. Again, if you dress like the help, no one's going to bother with you.

e) Be gracious and polite. Write thank you notes. Thank people for coming over. Be interested in something besides yourself for a change.

f) Take a class, read a book, hang out with other people who ARE grownups, whatever it takes for you to figure out how NOT to act like a socially inept high school student.

Now, this is only a partial list. Also keep in mind that if you DO learn to act like a grownup, you're probably running the risk of your husband divorcing you because he's already been married to an adult and look how that turned out.

Now don't you wish you'd met some nice guy in the graduate school and married him? No? Get back to us when you're 40 and your husband is in a wheelchair after his third heart attack.

3. You're happily married. Check. You have a toddler and a baby on the way. Check. Your family has no serious money problems and the recession isn't affecting you too badly. Check. Your husband is a nice man who served his country and like all people when he was a kid, he did a few stupid things. Check. So did you. Check.

So what? You just HAVE to find something to spazz about? Is Smagboy right and your hormones are turning you into a freak?


YOU don't have the tattoo. Your husband does. He doesn't want to remove it. Fair enough. It's his. On his body, like. It's even on his back, so he can't even SEE the thing unless he really makes an effort. You think it's not PC and you're right. It's not. Prudie's suggestion to consider having an artist change the joint to something else is a good one. Take that to your husband and ASK him what he thinks. That would solve your "problem" right there.

Other than that, have a nice cup of tea, sit down and gestate. When your body is back to normal, THEN start to think about the tattoo. I suspect that it won't seem like such a big deal then. After all, you can always tell your kids that you and their father did some things that were not too bright, but that you grew up and got smarter. Like we all do.


4. You saw the zipper down, committed a niceness and told the lady about it. Good. Keep it up. If I have a tag sticking up or my skirt tucked in to my pantyhose after I come out of the loo, I hope you or someone with your common sense is there.

Tell your husband to:


Also remind him that the next time HE might be the one "flying low" as it were.


  1. It's been speculated that LW#1 is "protecting" the mother by not talking to the sister. What happened to protecting HERSELF?

    A) The little sister has been in CONSTANT CONTACT with the mother. So she's heard her side of the story for years.

    B) The little sister is a STRANGER to her. Would you feel comfortable sitting down with a total stranger and dredging up the most painful part of your childhood? If you've ever had that fleeting look of pity and horror cross over someone's face, you'd know what I mean.

    The little sister won't believe her, because it's not in her best interest to. She'll simply go back to mommy and the other sibling(s) and they can all talk about what a bitter, jealous, angry, unforgiving wretch the LW is at all their "family" gatherings.

    I'd rather drink lye than give them the satisfaction.

  2. Thanks, Mermaid.

    I have to say (and you know this, too), that there comes a point when you can sit down and give the proverbial total stranger chapter and verse on all the nastiness and it has no real effect. It becomes distant, almost as if it happened to someone else. It's strange.

    In a sense, you guys ( and you know who you are) have given me that, because I can write it down and post it, and you don't judge. Whether you know it or not, you've all helped me get to that point. Thank you.

    However, the LW isn't there yet. I can't help but think that she needs to channel a little anger there. The sister, whether she knows it or not, is abusing her all over again, and she needs to be told to bugger off.

    When did it become "wrong" to get angry, especially when, as in the LWs case, she has every right to be furious? How did we get to a point where we're not supposed to express that? It's not harmful to get bloody mad - in fact, it can save you. I wouldn't see anything unusual or odd if the LW simply tossed out an expletive and hung up on the little snot the next time she called.

  3. Messy, I promise that if I ever see your skirt accidentally tucked into your panties or hose, or you blouse, etc., I'll tell you. Will you be terribly disappointed if I enjoy the view a bit first, though? That's the naughty side of me coming out, but, trust me, later, you know, after I thought about it, I'd feel all guilty and stuff. ;-)

    Seriously, though, good, snarky, wondrously smack-downish responses!

    Good cheer!
    Smag :-)

  4. Hi Messy, good comments as usual. I particularly liked your poetics of insults in your response to LW1 --great!

    Today's photo is truly amazing. It's wood, but it's water, it's clouds with faces in it, and so many other things.... Thanks you for conveying to us what your artist's eyes are seeing...

  5. Aunt Messy,

    "Oh, you're not a blonde? Well darling, what makes you think you were the only one?"

    That was classic! You are right on, as always, with all of the letters.

    Enjoy the weather!


  6. #3 is may pick of the week. A mild response in my blog, but my favorite example of parents climbing aboard their failboat.

    My boys all asked if I smoked pot. There are a million ways to answer, but only one is the correct way: "yes." When they started making the whining noises about my hypocritical thinking I reminded the, that:

    a: It was as illegal for me then as it is for them now.
    b: I stopped at about 22 - just never liked it casually and had no desire to be a stoner.
    c: My favorite line as a parent: "I knew then what I knew then so I did what I did. Now I know better, so I do better. Learn from that."

    These kids are young and stupid, that's all. I mean really - a tiger smoking a joint? Please. Tiger? Great. Joint? Great! Tiger/joint? What kind of fuckbrained cheese dick gets that?

    I so much confuse.

    I liked your take on #1 Messy - the sister is the easier of the two evils she has to deal with, but the more apparent and most immediately damaging, and this gal isn't sticking to her guns and firing the right ammunition. True, some people just won't take "go fuck yourself" for an answer, but hey - it's all in the delivery, right?

  7. You're right, Schuyler. It IS in the delivery. I must be good at it because if I'm driven to use it, no one challenges me on the point.

    I always feel like I'm banging my head on a wall when people write to ask if or how they should talk to a sibling/significant other/parent/in-law, etc. What is that? They're family (or practically family) and people are scared to tell them what's wrong? Must be some shitty family, then!

    Being blunt is a BLESSING, people! The people who love you can take it, and those that don't love you - well, who the heck cares what they think?


  8. I definitely disagree with all the posters who say the first LW "owes" the Former Baby Sister an explanation. FBS won't believe it and will make her feel even more stupid than her mother made her feel. There's is NOTHING wrong with cutting off a person who harms you, even if that person used to be related to you.

  9. I never feel the need to explain when people ask why I'm not in contact with my family. If they insist, I just tell them, "It's a long story and you don't want to hear it. How about them Bears, eh?"

    Generally that suffices to shut them up. I don't want to be rude on the one hand, but on the other, I would NEVER ask someone a question that personal. It's rude.

    All the LW needs to do is tell her sister to stop bringing it up...ONCE. If she does it again, then all the LW needs to do is hang up the phone. No conversation, nothing. If her "sister" wants to act like a toddler, then she can be treated like one.

  10. A) What's the subject of your photo?

    B) Do you have a third child yet?

  11. Mermaid, sorry so late in answering. I hope you come back and read this...

    The photo is of an arbutus stump that's been half pulled up by a storm so that the roots have been exposed to the air for awhile. Pretty, eh?

    The third child is going to have to wait until we get back from the coast next week. I had no idea how hard it is to get a male kitten! They seem to be pretty scarce right now!