SHADDAP!

(Photograph copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)

As you can see from the photo, I've been out shooting graffiti again and I hit the mother lode. The Boy and I were in San Francisco and took the BART to the Mission district in search of fabulous ice cream and maple bacon doughnuts (they were out) and were amazed at the murals and artwork in the alleys. The sun was shining and it was 55 degrees and we had a marvelous time.

Now, I have to apologize for some of the images. They may be at a bit of an angle. The truth is that middle-aged Anglo couples are not exactly welcome in that neck of the woods. I guess it's a hint when all the backyard auto shops don't open until midnight, right? In any event, I was walking and shooting and not about to stop to make too many adjustments. You will be seeing more of this stuff as time goes on...

I can't BELIEVE the LWs this week! Why, oh why do people go hunting for trouble? Yeesh. As always, the letters are to be found here .


1. Well, aren't you just SPECIAL! You want to leave your wife and kids for something she did "several years" before she even knew you existed. You really are an asshole, you know that?

SHADDAP!

Before you married your wife, did you tell her about every smoochie, every date, every relationship, every chance encounter of a cutie in a grocery store, every fantasy, every time you jerked off? No? Gee, I wonder why that is? What?! You didn't keep a log starting at birth so you could go over every detail with her? Oh, it was none of her business?

So why is it that HER previous life is suddenly YOUR business? That was a rhetorical question, idiot. Hang on, the ride has just begun. What's your REAL problem, short stuff? Seriously. You had to know that your wife was no virgin when you met her. At least, you found out in short order, right? Why aren't you obsessing about that? And why now? Another rhetorical question.

SHADDAP, you big sissy-baby-whiny-boy!

Now think hard, asshole, because you're seriously considering destroying your life, your wife's life, your children's lives.... all because YOU feel inadequate. What's the problem you nance, did your brother always have a bigger dick than you? Mommy liked him best? He got the bigger Tinkertoy set when you were six and you've hated him ever since? Still bitter about that wedgie he gave you at the playground when the cute little blond girl was watching? He laughed at you when you were still wetting the bed at 14 years old? What?

You say that your brother "...manipulated many women into bed...", then go on to say that you don't respect them or him. Whatever. How about telling the truth for a change, you toad-brained pile of jealous shit? YOU WERE JEALOUS! I'm right, aren't I? He is socially more adept than you. He's charming, and you aren't. You always thought he was better looking than you, and no one ever contradicted you on that one because you were never....quite....able... to admit that, even to yourself.

So YOU weren't the problem, right? The fact that you only managed to get laid once for his twenty was HIS fault for being "manipulative" and hanging around with (and I know you didn't come out and say it, but...) whores. In your head, you have to be the only perfect person in the world, so you twisted his social life into something awful because you KNEW that you were inferior to him in that area.

(Oh dear Sigmund, where art thou?)

SHADDAP! (I think that's the first triple shaddap)

So...are you trying to say that your brother was a rapist? No? You mean that all those "evil" women went to his bed BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO? Let's face it, none of these ladies had to be dragged kicking and screaming into his arms. He wasn't lurking around street corners grabbing innocent lovelies and hauling them off to his lair. They WANTED to go to bed with him. They LIKED him. They LIKED having sex with him.

That's what's got you going, isn't it? You have always felt like a loser around your brother. Everything in your life has to be "proof" that you're better than he is, just so you can feel superior in your own secret squirrelly way. Has it hit you yet that this was all in your head and that he probably didn't even NOTICE it? The fact that you can blame your wife is just gravy. I bet you feel terrific right now, don't you? And look, just look how many people you get to hurt with your pretend-righteous outrage! You get to blame HIM for destroying your marriage, your children's lives, hurting your parents, and making a general mess out of everything you've built up! You must feel so....so....MANLY.... right now.

Tell me, did your dick get just a little hard when you harangued and argued with the woman you pretended to love until she finally told you what had happened before she even knew you existed? I bet it did. I bet you were working on that head of steam for DAYS before you started bellowing. You probably rehearsed every snotty comment and every facial expression in the mirror for HOURS beforehand. Did you have to run to the bathroom to get off while she cried after you screamed at her? Did the same thing happen when both she AND your brother apologized for something that was none of your bloody business in the first place?

(You have to tell me. Did you tell your wife who YOU were screwing while she was with your brother? Why?)

So now you stand all by yourself in your "righteousness". You get to punish everyone who you've convinced yourself has "wronged" you in your life. I bet you're working on how to blame your parents, too. You'll probably get laid by dozens of ladies who feel SOOOOO sorry for you and the awful things those evil people did....well, not to you anyway.

So here's the revelation, asshole. You are going to destroy the one wonderful thing in your miserable life, and here's how you know that:

Your wife loves you. She didn't want your brother, never considered him anything more than a roll in the hay and probably hadn't given him a thought in YEARS before she met you. When she did realize who your brother was, SHE CHOSE YOU. YOU were the one that she gave her heart to. YOU were the one she went home to at night. YOU were the one she went to for everything that mattered to her. YOU were the one she chose to marry. YOU were the one whose babies she had. YOU were the one that she wanted to be with for the rest of her life. She NEVER cheated on you. She NEVER lied to you. She devoted herself to the family that YOU wanted to build, and she did it with all her heart.

And you want to throw that all away? Why? To prove to your brother that you're "better" in some sick way than he is? To punish HIM for YOUR jealousy? You say that you "felt like the one thing that was not part of his manipulative ways was (your) wife." Well who's crying now, jerkwad? I'll give you a hint. NOT your brother.

Way to go, dude. Have fun with that.


2. Oy, I think when Incognito suggested that one of Prudie's friends is having marriage issues is right. Because this is one of the stupider "dilemmas" that we see here from time to time.

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Woman, what have you been drinking? You're happy and you think that's "wrong" somehow?

YEARS ago, when you were first dating your husband with no notion that you might marry the man some day, you canoodled with a co-worker when you were both drunk. You admit that nothing happened. I'm guessing some minor smoochies, maybe some feelies and that's about it. You didn't want to see him again, so you quit your job (clearly the economy was better back then), and that was the end of it. End of story. Or end of story for most NORMAL people.

SHADDAP!

Oh, I bet I know what's going on. Everyone at work has something to bitch about, some people are getting laid off and you think you deserve to suffer with them, is that right? No? Let's see... Oh, here's another one! You're convinced that being happy is a Bad Thing because you keep having flashbacks to a visit to church when you were four and the minister said that we were all "born to suffer", right?

Yeesh.

Do you WANT a divorce? Do you WANT to be a single parent? Do you WANT this kind of drama in your life? Is this letter just your way of making your husband leave you because you want to be on the side of the angels when it all gets to court?

If you want a divorce, then hoist up that Wonderbra and ask for one. The world will not cease to rotate (but it won't be rotating smoothly for YOU any more), and besides, I think your then/boyfriend now/husband sounds like a rigid twit, but that's your problem.

If you're just obsessing because you've been on maternity leave for too long and you're bored, then get your ass back to work and occupy your pointed little brain with trivialities that make you money. If this obsession is about post-partum depression, then get your ass in to see your doctor and take the drugs he gives you. Then get your ass back to work.

Either way, unless you want to punish yourself, your husband and your baby for something that never really happened and that the guy you groped has forgotten about long since,

SHADDAP!


3. Oh, this is a serious one. Really, really serious. What can I say, other than reiterate what Prudie said and suggest that you get in touch with the National Stroke Association, and get yourself into some treatment. It's not easy to do what you're doing. Get yourself some help.

For the moment, there ARE a few things you can do.

a. First, make sure your husband is TAKING his anti-depressants. If he's not, go back to his doctor and make him explain how they work. Some people insist on viewing them as a "cop-out". They aren't and millions of people are alive today because they work. If he IS taking them and they aren't helping, then he needs to try another one. There are a lot of different drugs. One will almost certainly help.

b. Tell him exactly what you told Prudie about how YOU feel. His physical recovery went well. He is still the man you married. He NEEDS to know that his depression is affecting you, too, and that seeking help is something he needs to do for you as well as himself.

c. Get him in for another evaluation. When we think of strokes, we think of things like paralysis, loss of speech and loss of motor control. Strokes are about BRAIN DAMAGE, though. You need to make sure there's nothing physical that's affecting his mood. I'm told that's not at all uncommon.

d. Take care of yourself. It sounds as if you can leave him for a few hours at a time, so DO IT. Volunteer, go back to work part-time, do SOMETHING so that you aren't having to be in that house all day, every day. If you do that, you'll be better able to cope with him, too.


4. Oh dear. A little naive, are we? My dear, your husband may not be telling you this, or maybe he's never run in to it before (hard to believe), but the car repair business is rife with people ripping other people off. It's probably the most corrupt racket there is, and I speak from experience.

So tell your husband to

SHADDAP!

for a minute and get selfish.

First, I know the manager SAYS he's doing charitable works when he works your husband like a donkey for no pay. It's a terrific excuse for a rip-off, I have to say. After all, he's only being a good Christian, right? Oh. Except for the part about stealing money out of his employees' pockets...

Believe me, this guy is NOT "giving" away services for free. He IS charging people for that work, but they're paying less than list prices and they're doing it in CASH. You know that money is going directly into his pocket, and you have to know that he's got himself a nice tax-free income going there, right? This creep DESERVES to be fired. He is stealing from his employers, he is stealing from the people that are doing the actual work and he is laughing at all of you...all the way to his next sun-filled vacation.

If your husband keeps speaking to this clown, he's going to get fired. His boss doesn't want anyone around that'll queer his game, so keep in mind that mechanics are a dime a dozen and a lot of them are unemployed right now. Tell your husband to have a chat with the district manager and tell him what's going on. He'll probably keep his job if he does that, but it has to be SOON. If he delays and it comes out that he knew about the theft and did nothing, he could lose a lot more than his job.

Got that? Tattling - good. Getting ripped off - bad. Duh.

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Ok, all you Fraysters that pop in for a visit! I want to hear from you. onemessylady@gmail.com is my address. We all know that the Fray is dying - that whole business of "posting to the page" that our dear old censor...er..editor Germy is yattering about is a line of crap. It's just Slate's way of stopping debate and it's WAY easier to delete posts in that format. I've been all but banned because I had the temerity to say that Prudie is occasionally *gasp* wrong about certain things.

Now, they may make more money, but let's face it. It's going to get real boring, real fast.

But I have a solution, friends! Yes indeedy I do! Drop me an e-mail. Tell me what you want to discuss - anything topical and it doesn't have to be on Slate, either. I will write a post about it with the relevant links on my portal page (go to The Fly and click on Aunt Messy down on the right hand side and you'll get there), and we can chatter, debate, argue and wander off-topic to our heart's content.

I have two rules. No personal shit. If you disagree with someone (anyone), you aren't allowed to make it personal. You can say things like "You're full of shit, and here's why..." but you are NOT permitted to say, "You're a shithead and I hate your guts..." I will delete any posts that head into that territory.

The other rule is...don't even THINK about flaming people on my turf. You will be punished. Or at least deleted. And I may say something snotty on the blog even....

Come on, kids, the fun is just beginning!