24 March 2011

Save us from the stupid!

(Photographs copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)

The photos above are from our last trip to Japan in November of last year. They're all random except for the last one. For those that don't recognize it, there is a board like this in front of almost every temple in the country. For a fee, anyone can buy a small wooden plaque from the monks, who will inscribe a wish or a prayer on them before they're tied to the board with the rest.

The people I know that are from Japan are frantic with worry. They can't stop watching the news. It's a horrible, helpless feeling to be in a safe place when the people they care about are suffering. There are food lines in Tokyo as well as the rest of the country. Some schools are still closed. Many people are unable to get back to work. Some workplaces are never going to reopen. Everything is in the air and nobody knows what's going to happen next. Rolling blackouts are now the norm as power plants are being repaired or shut down.

Consider this to be my little plaque. Best wishes and to the Japan and all of its wonderful people. To my friends, I'm thinking of you.

And now, to the letters! Find them here .

1. See? Here's the perfect storm of stupid in one letter!

The writer is a man in his 60s, recently diagnosed with a cancer that will ultimately be fatal. He is trying to finagle a way to leave money to his 40-something fuckpuppet after his death. He's been seeing the fuckpuppet for years under the nose of his wife who he can only describe as a "good earner".  Nice, right?

So the upshot is that he wants his WIFE, who he's been cheating on for over a decade, to give him his cancer drugs, clean up his vomit, and wipe his ass and THEN find out he'd been fucking around on her after he dies.

At least, that's my interpretation of the mess......... he needs to


...and pay attention, right kids?

Your wife is GOING to find out about the fuckpuppet, asshole. It may be after you're dead, but there is no way you can hide the amount of money you're giving to chickie-baby without your wife finding out. No matter how sneaky you try to be, and I know you're an expert, this bequest is not going to stay a secret.

And then you know what's going to happen. If you don't, I'll make that prediction for you. Your wife will loathe the very thought of you. She will feel cheated and used - and she'd be right about that. Your children will hate you with a passion reserved only for the worst mass-murderers in the history of the planet. If there's a family Bible, your name will be crossed out with a Magic Marker. Your grandchildren will never know your name. Your dog will pee on your ashes (provided they haven't been flushed down the loo already).

But you don't care about any of that, right? You knew what you were doing from the moment you met Miss I-Like-Fucking-Married-Men. You KNEW what kind of hurt you were going to cause. You KNEW that you were doing something hideously wrong, that you were being unfair to your wife and children. You KNEW that the honorable thing to do would be to ask your wife for a divorce so that she would have a chance to find someone who loved her and not her earning power.

You claim that you have real feelings for the fuckpuppet. YOU might. Why don't you test her? Tell her that you're going to leave your wife. If she doesn't head for the hills then, ask her if she'll marry you. If she's STILL planning to stick around (doubtful) tell her about the cancer. I'm betting that she drops you like a hot rock.

See, she's fucking a married man because she knows that you'll go back home to your wife, leaving her to have a nice, serene life. It's been easy for her - getting laid, getting gifties, having her freedom. You didn't really think you were the only one in her life, did you? After all, you're no spring chicken, and a girl has to take care of herself before she loses her looks, right? So she's probably already got someone else on the string by now... you know, someone not in the Viagra set, someone with more earning potential, someone who...still thinks he can kid himself his wife won't find out.

You could go all sensitive '70s guy and tell your wife everything, throwing yourself on her mercy and hoping that she'll forgive you... Yeah. Right. No you won't. You live and breathe lies, don't you? You're nothing more than a terrified little boy now, aren't you?

Everything now hinges on your fear. You know that the fuckpuppet won't take care of you. You also know that your wife will divorce you if she finds out, taking half of the marital property - which she's bloody well earned, by the way - and leave you on your own to die with only your checkbook to keep you company. So you'll die before you tell her.

When your wife and family find out about this bequest, my advice to them would be to contest your will. They'll inevitably win. Judges don't tend to look at fuckpuppets kindly, especially if they have the gall to show up in court. If life is fair, your fuckpuppet not only won't get YOUR money, she'll have to spend HERS. On legal fees.

Karma's a bitch. Shoulda thought of that before, right?

2. Ooh, the angst! How can people be so goddamned dumb and still be alive? How do they make it to adulthood without getting killed in traffic or eaten by a bear? I would really like to know these things.

Here we have a guy (I'm assuming "guy", so don't bother me with gender), who feels sooooooooooooo bad about the earthquake and tsunami in Japan that he wants to troop around his favorite sushi place, apologizing to total strangers.



Listen moron, Prudie was right.


Do you run around apologizing to random lizards about the fate of the dinosaurs? Do you seek out people whose loved ones have been dead for decades to give them your condolences? Would you be surprised if someone laughed in your face or socked you in the jaw when you did that?

Idiot. No one gives a rat's behind about your feelings here. YOU don't count in the face of the many tragedies happening in Japan right now. You don't get to tell random strangers what you think, because.....random strangers will probably call the cops and you'll find yourself in a padded cell...

Give money to charity. If there's a relief fund, contribute. Other than that,

SHADDAP! (for the third time already)

3. Ah yes... more stupid.

This guy has heard a rumor that a couple that he and his wife sorta know are starving their kids, and his "proof" is that both of this couple are skinny and the kids stuff themselves at every opportunity. Now that he's heard this, he's convinced himself that he can see behavioral issues with the kids that makes him think that they're starving to death and will keel over any minute now.

His solution? Dump them and never see them again.



Your wife is absolutely right. These are your friends, and if you're REALLY concerned, why would you cut them off? What if the rumor you heard was true and the kids ARE suffering? Is that ok with you as long all you don't have to actually SEE it? You'd seriously go with that solution?

Wouldn't it make more sense if you saw them occasionally and paid attention to the kids when you did?   Ya think?

Prudie was right. Skinny adults tend to have skinny kids. If those kids are anything like I was as a little spud, their mother is probably stuffing them like little geese while they grow like weeds. There was a time when I could scarf down three hamburgers at a sitting and have two pieces of cake for dessert, but you'd never know it to look at me, scrawny thing that I was. How do you know that's not what's happening here?

You don't. You don't know anything. All you see is a couple of hungry kids at meal times and you have no clue what's really going on in that house. Now if you see evidence that really concerns you - if you can see bones on the kids, for example, or if they're unresponsive and don't want to play, THEN you can say something. THEN you can write to the doctor.

In the meantime, all you have is dubious opinion from a rumor-mongering "friend" who's probably still stinging because when she accused this woman of starving her kids, she was told to go to hell and mind her own bloody business.


4. Oh dear. Is being a moron genetic? Here I have my doubts.

A daughter (because no man would do this) has decided that throwing a surprise anniversary party for her parents is somehow a good idea. But..... I know you're all aquiver.... she inadvertently invited a friend of her mother's who is a FORMER friend. Oh the horror! Whatever shall she do?

*slapping forehead*


Cancel the party. Now. Send a note of apology to those that have RSVPed and plan a real party instead. Seriously, you silly ass. Cancel it. Never, ever consider doing this again. Never. If you're tempted, arrange to have someone beat you about the head with a banana peel.

Surprise parties are ALWAYS a bad idea. ALWAYS. Nobody likes them. No, no argument.


Nobody enjoys these things. They always end in tears. Either the surprisee is bitterly resentful or the surpriser gets smacked around and dumped forever from the guest list.

Weirdly, Cary Tennis had a surprise party question this week. It was a different sitch - husband who was in the process of dumping his wife was going to throw a surprise party for her anyway (creep). He, along with a couple of other columnists he cited - and I'm not going to look it up, because you can do this yourself - agrees that all surprise parties are universally a stupid idea and not to be attempted by anyone with half a brain.

Why? Again, I won't quote, I'll summarize. Look it up on Salon if you want to. He feels that these events are manipulative and controlling. They force someone to grit their teeth and smile through an event that they hate and don't want. I agree.

Surprise parties are things that only seem like a good idea to stupid people who assume that everyone else is as stupid as they are.  Either that, or they're thrown by malicious people who get a kick out of watching people they're supposed to respect and care about squirm uncomfortably for an audience.

So don't go there. Just. Don't.