28 October 2010

SHADDAP! Your "Dumb" is Hurting My Ears!

(Photographs copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)

I have to say, this entire week has put me into exactly the right mood to deliver well-deserved SHADDAPs! to the letter writers this week. Monday and Tuesday I had jury duty - a guy who was in a fairly serious fender-bender with a city vehicle decided TWO YEARS LATER that he needs major bucks for pain and suffering, even though he admits nothing ever hurt that badly and he was fine within weeks after the accident. He lost. 

This morning, after a full week of mind-blowing, tree-knocking-down, roof-destroying winds, the temperature was in the low forties when I got up and we're supposed to have frost tonight. I am not ready for frost. Some would say that I'm NEVER ready for frost, but I don't care. It's not even Halloween yet, and that  makes it too early for things to freeze. On the up side, I do get to wear my cool new boots. Still.....

So we're off. The original letters are here .



To recap...... You and your girlfriend stayed with her Jesus-freaky genitals-are-for-peeing-only-until-you're-married parents' vacation home one weekend. Neither of you were thrilled to be put in separate rooms, so you sneaked out into the back yard to do the wild thing in the middle of the night when the rest of the world was supposed to be asleep........ and they weren't. Or at least Grannie wasn't. Asleep that is. 

NOW...the world is about to end. What you thought might be a stupid stunt proved to be a stupid stunt after all. Hmmm. Never second-guess your stupid meter again, ok? Just because you and your girlfriend couldn't wait until Sunday night to get all crotchy with each other, Grannie might go into a home! Woe, indeed! 


Now, I have to wonder a little bit about Grannie. You SAY that everyone knows she's "a bit senile". Maybe she is. The fact that she's obsessing about it a week (or weeks) later is a pretty good indicator that the old marbles are rolling in more empty space than they used to. I can guarantee there's not much wrong with her eyesight if she saw the two of you frolicking in the dark! Then again, she didn't recognize either of you.....

There are two things that BOTH of you horny little fuckbunnies can do here. First, you can tell all, take the lecture about how you're both going to Hell for fornication and let her parents force your girlfriend (who started this whole sleigh ride in the first place) to wear stainless steel panties and stay locked in their basement until she dies of old age. I guess it's the "noble" thing to do, right? Judging by your letter, it's punishment that you're after, right?

OR..... and this is going to get me in trouble, you can say nothing. Let Grannie call the cops. They'll laugh themselves silly and tell her that IF she saw someone (remember, you're silent through this, twit), there is no way they're going to waste their time looking for two consenting adults who were "doing what comes naturally" weeks ago. 

THEN .... the family will take this as the sign that they've clearly been hunting for for ages and use it as a convenient excuse to put the old bird into a senior's apartment where, if you believe what you read, she'll be having the best sex of her life within fifteen minutes of her arrival. Oh, those horny seniors! Remember the massive "scandal" about the STD transmissions in nursing homes? They're going to have to give the old girl some condoms when she moves in! 

Hmm. Keeping quiet is looking better and better, isn't it? You might as well relax, then. The old girl was on a one-way trip to the Grannie Hut anyway.... all you did was provide a handy-dandy excuse for her kids to shuffle her in that direction.



Oh baruther! Do you realize just how stupid you sound? Do you? You got married and found out SIX MONTHS LATER that your father was fucking your Mommy's BFF who was also your wedding planner, ever since you've been obsessing about how SHE ruined your wedding? Destroyed your memories? 

Give me a goddamned break, you moron. Oh, and SHADDAP!  a hundred times. 

Listen you self-indulgent whining little snot rag. This affair was none of your business. I know your mother has MADE it your business with her whining and bitching and bringing up the affair every time she sees you.... but why do you let her do this? You have got to be well into your thirties, and you STILL let Mommy tell you what to do? WTF? 

You're not ALLOWED to watch your own wedding video? You're going to destroy YOUR veil, just because your Mommy doesn't want to look at it? Huh? Does Mommy live in your closet? Do you still ask her opinion on the best way to wipe your ass, too? Has it ever occurred to you that MOMMY is the one with the problem here? See, you claim that your parents made nice and all is well with them now. Surely you don't believe that! Your mother is still obsessing and YOU are permitting her to drag you into her drama. She hasn't forgiven your father at all...

See sugar, you're mad at the wrong person here. What about Daddy? Did the "other woman" hogtie him and force him to have sex with her? Hell no! Your beloved Daddy was the one that dropped his pants! HE chose to lie to your mother. HE chose to cheat. HE's the one that was sneaking around. Picture this, if you want to get mad at someone..... Your Daddy, rolling around on the floor of the "other woman's" sewing room, screwing like bunnies while YOUR VEIL was on the sewing machine! How does that work for you?

NOW do you feel better? No? You're still going to be "forced" to spend thousands renewing your vows so that your Mommy will feel better about some overpriced photos of you and your husband wearing inappropriately formal clothing at a contrived event that no one really wants to go to, anyway? 

What does your husband think of this, dumbass? Or does he even count, except as a prop to stand beside you at an event that really had more to do with you getting the one and only photo op of your life than anything resembling "love"? Did you even ask his opinion? Now THAT would be interesting. I would love to see the letter he'd write...

"Dear Internet Lady,

My wife can't keep her snout out of other people's business and is now spending the mortgage money on a phony wedding that we're only having to make her sex-obsessed, Looney Tunes, control-freak of a mother happy...."



Cry me a river, loser. You found out that someone better educated than you, and from the sounds of it a whole lot more pleasant to deal with, is making a lousy six grand more per year? So? Whaddaya want? Maybe a Marsha the Martyr sticker to wear on your forehead at work every day?

Oh sure. You can take the advice that some people on Slate have given you and "negotiate" for more money. You can even run to your boss and tell him/her that you "found out" that this co-worker is making more than you are. You can raise a stink. You can whine, bawl, cry, moan, spread rumors, bitch and complain.... do whatever you want. 

I guarantee that your boss will take one look at you and decide that you're more trouble than you're worth, especially if the company can get someone with a Master's degree for a measly six grand more than they're paying you. Had you considered that?

All it will get you is a trip to Joblessville, and in this economy, do you really want to go there? 

Wait, moron. Ask for more money later if you want...but be prepared not to get it. Not for awhile, anyway.

4. *HORK* *BARF* oooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh *RUMBLE* I'M GONNA DIE!  *SPLAT* *FLUSH* NEVER AGAIN ............... IHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOU.....


Yeesh. Another one...

Ok. Twice you've eaten at another couple's house and twice you've gotten sick. My sympathies. Having just had another visit from my good friends Sam'n'Ella myself, I can tell you that I feel your pain. 

But you didn't have food poisoning, you flaming idiot! YOU got sick. No one else did, did they? How do I know this? Ask me...Ok, I'll tell you how I know... Because with your shitty attitude and willingness to throw blame around there's NO WAY you wouldn't have been howling to the moon throughout your entire letter if someone else had joined you in your worship of the Great White Porcelain God, Ralph.

You say that "...nothing they touch will ever enter my mouth again..." without even considering telling them what happened! How stupid can you be? Obviously something you ate made you sick - and no one else. Do you think your friends did this on purpose? What did they do, do you think? Do you think they were wandering around the grocery store saying to each other, "Gee, it's time to try and kill that dumbass again?"

Why the hell is it (and for those of you who have heard me go on about this before, talk among yourselves for a bit) that people are so frightened to TALK to each other? Has it not occurred to you that this might be a GOOD THING? If you can find out what made you sick, you can avoid it in the future and not get blindsided by it again. Duh. 

Prudie's (and others) advice on this was to take them out for dinner, or feed them at your place or something.... It's all bullshit. You need talk to these people WITHOUT whining, or blaming or any of the other spiteful shit you seem to eager to spew, and try and find out what happened. If you do this, I can guarantee that you will never get sick at their place again.


15 October 2010

SHADDAP! Worlds of Dumb Edition

(Photographs copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)

Here we are again on another Goldilocks day! That's what The Boy has taken to calling days when it's a not too hot/not too cold, sun shining, birds chirping, non-windy fall day. I like it, so I'm going to use it. Probably he stole it, too, but I don't care. It's 60 degrees and sunny here in the City of Wind, with (ironically) very little wind. So there!

Naturally, I'm indoors....writing this. Mermaid's right. There's something just a little odd in that, isn't there? However, we're off!

For the original letters, read Dear Prudie .

1. I'd like to say I feel for you. I would. Seriously... but this has to be some kind of joke, right? Here you are, admitting that "(g)rowing up, I was quick to fly off the handle," and that you not only lost your temper with your sister again recently, but subjected her to a vicious, abusive harangue that ended with her not only not accepting your apology, but giving as good as she got, probably for the first time in her life.

THEN.... you have the nerve to say that you're "...broken-hearted that a sister I love and respect would say such horrible things..." to you? Some "love and respect". Funny, I didn't know it was all right to show "love and respect" by screaming at people for no good reason.


Let's review....You were a little shit as a kid. You got worse as an adolescent. You've spent your life throwing tantrums and hurling invective around your family, especially at your sister, and NOW you're surprised that she wants nothing to do with you?

You know what? I'm on your sister's side. You're an asshole.

Wake up, dippy. You finally got on your sister's last nerve. It took awhile, but you managed it. In one swell foop, you reminded her of all the shitty things you said to her when you were kids and all of the fake apologies you gave only because your parents forced you to. All it took was ONE LOOK at your face, ugly with rage, and she had had enough.

You heard me. You've been dishing out the shit for so long that when ONE PERSON calls you on your crappy behavior you're shocked, you bullying jerk.

What the hell did you expect, dolt? How many rotten things have you said to and about your sister over the years? Be honest. You were power-tripping on your whole family, weren't you? You discovered when you were just a tiny sprog that all you had to do was yell and go red in the face and everyone would do their best to placate you and you LOVED that, right?

That was one hell of a power trip, wasn't it? You got to control everyone around you, just by getting/acting angry. All you had to do was say the words "I'm sorry" and that was the end of it. Your parents chose to permit you to abuse everyone in the house and you took full advantage. They bear some responsibility, because this tantrum habit of yours is something they could have tried to stop, and it seems they didn't bother. Then again, nice people have trouble believing that they've brought an unholy, frothing at the mouth, psycho-bitch into the world.

I'd say your sister is a model of restraint! She really let you have it by the sound of things, and I'll bet no one's ever had the guts to do that to you before. See, when she told you that you're a "...toxic person who infects the whole family...", she was doing nothing more than telling you the absolute truth. Instead of whining that she was "mean" to you, consider that YOU very likely managed to destroy HER childhood with your selfish, childish antics. She's spent her entire life tippy-toeing around you and your nonsense and she's decided it's all over. I know. You can't consider that. If you did, you'd have to admit that maybe, just maybe the world doesn't revolve around you and your vile temper.

I'd have kicked your miserable ass out of my life long ago.

I love the way you try to cast yourself as a victim here. Maybe it's even worked for you a couple of times. It's classic, though - you're a bully and when someone finally stands up to you and shows you how truly small you are, you're so upset that you expect the world to feel sorry for you. Because you just don't get that it's NOT all about you. You claim that you've been working on your anger issues, but I'm not going to give you the benefit of the doubt. See, when bullies grow up, they surround themselves with people they can control...and I think that's what you've done.

YOU have no control over your sister or the situation any more. SHE is done with your nastiness, and SHE cut you off first. That's gotta suck. Your control of the situation is gone altogether now. Your sister has finally learned that you can only abuse her if she lets you, and she's doing the right thing to protect herself. I'd be willing to bet that she's also seriously considering limiting her contact with your enablers. That would be your parents.

Your parents are trying to get you to "make nice" like you did when you were a kid, and it worked when you were a kid. They would do anything just to shut you up, wouldn't they? Too bad your sister sees through the phony nonsense you show your parents.

2. I have to say, somewhat smugly, that I was born without wisdom teeth. I have none, and neither did my mother. Having witnessed the squirrel faces on many people in my friends and family, I'm deeply grateful I dodged that genetic bullet. Now. To the LW!

You I feel for. I know what major dental work is like - I've been looped on those wonderful drugs, too. Part of the reason dentists use that stuff is so that the patients won't have any memory of the crunching and yanking that went on in your mouth. It's a good deal for them. You're easier to work on when you're not stiff as a board and moaning and you still like them after you come down.

However, the "coming down" off that stuff is the issue here, isn't it? See, I don't think you did anything wrong. Your so-called friend is the one that behaved badly here.

Here's why. First of all, any reasonable person would take your abortive groping as a sign that you weren't in your right mind and that leaving you at a bus station would be stupid and potentially dangerous. Had it been me, I would have changed the plan, taken you home, and babysat you until I KNEW that those drugs had cleared your system. That's just what friends do for each other. They keep each other safe.

But is that what your "friend" did? Hell no! He dumped you at the station and (I'm guessing here, but I think I'm right) didn't even call to see if you were all right. At work, you're suddenly persona non grata in his world, because of something HE TOLD YOU you did when you were so high you couldn't see straight.

Do you really want to consider this guy a friend?


He was never your friend. Even if the groping really happened (and we only have his word for that) and was coming from some deep id-based desire on your part, a friend would have laughed it off and forgotten the whole thing. A GOOD friend wouldn't even give you the details about what you did, other than to tell you you were acting like a twit. A funny twit. The guy is a jerk. Keep the same attitude at work that you always have and let it be. You can't change his attitude. Take it as a lesson in his character and move on.

Here's something else to consider, though. Has it occurred to you that the reason he's not comfortable around you is that he LIKED it when you stuck your hand down his pants, even just a little bit? You know, maybe he had a little tingle.... a twitching in the old block and tackle....a slight change in the angle of the dangle.... Just thinking.....

3. I remember it well, being a college student on the quest for cheap rent. Like yesterday. The basement apartments, the seedy neighborhoods, the creepy landlords..... It's a story as old as the existence of universities - a rite of passage, if you will. It's only now, over 20 years after the fact, that I can bring myself to see the humor of my living in that silverfish-infested, creaky-floored, next-to-the-biker bar dump that was under $200.00 a month. I got out of THAT lease as fast as I could, too.

But this is about you and your conscience. To review... You find yourself living in a seedy apartment in a seedy neighborhood with a seedy landlord that you just now discovered is a registered sex offender who kept underage sex slaves in the building - nay, the very apartment - that you now live in. Gotcha. It's creepy.

I'm not sure how morally wrong it is to live there, though. Then again, I have stated elsewhere that an apartment is just a box, it was empty before you moved in and it will be empty again when you move out.

What can you do?


The answer to your question is, as many have already told you, nothing. You can't do a thing about it. You have to pay out your lease whether you actually live in the joint or not, so you'll just have to deal.

I have a couple of questions, though...

How did you find out all of this information? Did someone tell you? Who? Was it the old lady in 2B that always wears the pink bathrobe that smells of cat pee? Perhaps it was that skinnyyoung man with the red dots on his arms and legs and the twitching problem in 1A? How about the older fella that shouts through the door because he can't open it for all the junk he's hoarded in his apartment. Was it him?

Then I have to ask.... Did you verify any of this? Did you check your local Sex Offenders Registry? Most registries aren't allowed to tell you the exact nature of the offense, so really, how DO you know those details?

If I were a cynical person (heavens forfend!), I'd wonder if you were trying on this story to see if you could use it to break your lease and move in with a new boy/girlfriend....

SHADDAP! Again...

You say in your letter that your landlord is "back in business". What business would that be? The landlord business? Then pay your rent, you prat. The sex slave business? Then call the cops.

Now go away. Your whining hurts my ears.

4. Wow. You're brave. THREE kids? All little? You have your hands full. It's a wonder you found time to write to the Internet Lady!


Your husband's sister dumps her kids off on you all the time. Mostly in the evenings, forcing you to feed and care for HER brats AND your three (including a newborn) after you've already had a full day baby-wrangling and keeping your house running. Now she's threatening to leave them with you for the entire summer of 2011 and you don't know what to do!

Of course you already KNOW the answer to your question, right?

No. That's it. The whole answer. Ok, it's a little more complicated than that. She's your husband's sister, right? You want to keep your husband sweet, and in order to do that, you have to manage things so that she can't complain about you.

I know that most people who see a stay-at-home mother figure that she's got nothing to do but sit on her ass and eat bon-bons all day. But you know that's a crock, and so does every other woman (or man) who's opted to stay home with the kids. You're working hard and you deserve to focus on YOUR family, not someone else's

There are a couple of ways you can handle this. You can, as many suggest, have a talk with your husband, tell him that you can't handle FIVE kids alone, and that you want this free babysitting to stop. If he's got anything resembling a heart or a brain, he'll go for that. After all, he has to live with YOU, not his sister. Keeping you happy means him having a happy life, right?

If he gets shirty about it...tell him you want to go back to work. Say, "Honey, I think if I go back to work, we can just swing hiring a nanny for the kids and a house cleaner to come in every couple of weeks."

He'll ask you why you want to do that, and you'll answer, "Sweetie, I feel like I'm running a day care anyway with all of the extra work I have to do with your sister's kids. If I'm going to be run off my feet, frazzled and constantly too tired for sex, I'd at least like to get some money out of the deal."

That should about do it. How hard is that? Why didn't you do it before? Are you frightened of your husband? Do you LIKE being treated like a slave? Is it FUN to be taken advantage of all the time? Of course not!

Not dealing with this quickly and decisively would be dumb. Stop the nonsense now and you'll be saving yourself either a big blowup later or a nervous breakdown. Your choice.