SHADDAP! Worlds of Dumb Edition

(Photographs copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)

Here we are again on another Goldilocks day! That's what The Boy has taken to calling days when it's a not too hot/not too cold, sun shining, birds chirping, non-windy fall day. I like it, so I'm going to use it. Probably he stole it, too, but I don't care. It's 60 degrees and sunny here in the City of Wind, with (ironically) very little wind. So there!

Naturally, I'm indoors....writing this. Mermaid's right. There's something just a little odd in that, isn't there? However, we're off!

For the original letters, read Dear Prudie .


1. I'd like to say I feel for you. I would. Seriously... but this has to be some kind of joke, right? Here you are, admitting that "(g)rowing up, I was quick to fly off the handle," and that you not only lost your temper with your sister again recently, but subjected her to a vicious, abusive harangue that ended with her not only not accepting your apology, but giving as good as she got, probably for the first time in her life.

THEN.... you have the nerve to say that you're "...broken-hearted that a sister I love and respect would say such horrible things..." to you? Some "love and respect". Funny, I didn't know it was all right to show "love and respect" by screaming at people for no good reason.

SHADDAP!


Let's review....You were a little shit as a kid. You got worse as an adolescent. You've spent your life throwing tantrums and hurling invective around your family, especially at your sister, and NOW you're surprised that she wants nothing to do with you?

You know what? I'm on your sister's side. You're an asshole.

Wake up, dippy. You finally got on your sister's last nerve. It took awhile, but you managed it. In one swell foop, you reminded her of all the shitty things you said to her when you were kids and all of the fake apologies you gave only because your parents forced you to. All it took was ONE LOOK at your face, ugly with rage, and she had had enough.

You heard me. You've been dishing out the shit for so long that when ONE PERSON calls you on your crappy behavior you're shocked, you bullying jerk.

What the hell did you expect, dolt? How many rotten things have you said to and about your sister over the years? Be honest. You were power-tripping on your whole family, weren't you? You discovered when you were just a tiny sprog that all you had to do was yell and go red in the face and everyone would do their best to placate you and you LOVED that, right?

That was one hell of a power trip, wasn't it? You got to control everyone around you, just by getting/acting angry. All you had to do was say the words "I'm sorry" and that was the end of it. Your parents chose to permit you to abuse everyone in the house and you took full advantage. They bear some responsibility, because this tantrum habit of yours is something they could have tried to stop, and it seems they didn't bother. Then again, nice people have trouble believing that they've brought an unholy, frothing at the mouth, psycho-bitch into the world.

I'd say your sister is a model of restraint! She really let you have it by the sound of things, and I'll bet no one's ever had the guts to do that to you before. See, when she told you that you're a "...toxic person who infects the whole family...", she was doing nothing more than telling you the absolute truth. Instead of whining that she was "mean" to you, consider that YOU very likely managed to destroy HER childhood with your selfish, childish antics. She's spent her entire life tippy-toeing around you and your nonsense and she's decided it's all over. I know. You can't consider that. If you did, you'd have to admit that maybe, just maybe the world doesn't revolve around you and your vile temper.

I'd have kicked your miserable ass out of my life long ago.

I love the way you try to cast yourself as a victim here. Maybe it's even worked for you a couple of times. It's classic, though - you're a bully and when someone finally stands up to you and shows you how truly small you are, you're so upset that you expect the world to feel sorry for you. Because you just don't get that it's NOT all about you. You claim that you've been working on your anger issues, but I'm not going to give you the benefit of the doubt. See, when bullies grow up, they surround themselves with people they can control...and I think that's what you've done.

YOU have no control over your sister or the situation any more. SHE is done with your nastiness, and SHE cut you off first. That's gotta suck. Your control of the situation is gone altogether now. Your sister has finally learned that you can only abuse her if she lets you, and she's doing the right thing to protect herself. I'd be willing to bet that she's also seriously considering limiting her contact with your enablers. That would be your parents.

Your parents are trying to get you to "make nice" like you did when you were a kid, and it worked when you were a kid. They would do anything just to shut you up, wouldn't they? Too bad your sister sees through the phony nonsense you show your parents.


2. I have to say, somewhat smugly, that I was born without wisdom teeth. I have none, and neither did my mother. Having witnessed the squirrel faces on many people in my friends and family, I'm deeply grateful I dodged that genetic bullet. Now. To the LW!
___________________________________________

You I feel for. I know what major dental work is like - I've been looped on those wonderful drugs, too. Part of the reason dentists use that stuff is so that the patients won't have any memory of the crunching and yanking that went on in your mouth. It's a good deal for them. You're easier to work on when you're not stiff as a board and moaning and you still like them after you come down.

However, the "coming down" off that stuff is the issue here, isn't it? See, I don't think you did anything wrong. Your so-called friend is the one that behaved badly here.

Here's why. First of all, any reasonable person would take your abortive groping as a sign that you weren't in your right mind and that leaving you at a bus station would be stupid and potentially dangerous. Had it been me, I would have changed the plan, taken you home, and babysat you until I KNEW that those drugs had cleared your system. That's just what friends do for each other. They keep each other safe.

But is that what your "friend" did? Hell no! He dumped you at the station and (I'm guessing here, but I think I'm right) didn't even call to see if you were all right. At work, you're suddenly persona non grata in his world, because of something HE TOLD YOU you did when you were so high you couldn't see straight.

Do you really want to consider this guy a friend?

SHADDAP!


He was never your friend. Even if the groping really happened (and we only have his word for that) and was coming from some deep id-based desire on your part, a friend would have laughed it off and forgotten the whole thing. A GOOD friend wouldn't even give you the details about what you did, other than to tell you you were acting like a twit. A funny twit. The guy is a jerk. Keep the same attitude at work that you always have and let it be. You can't change his attitude. Take it as a lesson in his character and move on.

Here's something else to consider, though. Has it occurred to you that the reason he's not comfortable around you is that he LIKED it when you stuck your hand down his pants, even just a little bit? You know, maybe he had a little tingle.... a twitching in the old block and tackle....a slight change in the angle of the dangle.... Just thinking.....


3. I remember it well, being a college student on the quest for cheap rent. Like yesterday. The basement apartments, the seedy neighborhoods, the creepy landlords..... It's a story as old as the existence of universities - a rite of passage, if you will. It's only now, over 20 years after the fact, that I can bring myself to see the humor of my living in that silverfish-infested, creaky-floored, next-to-the-biker bar dump that was under $200.00 a month. I got out of THAT lease as fast as I could, too.

But this is about you and your conscience. To review... You find yourself living in a seedy apartment in a seedy neighborhood with a seedy landlord that you just now discovered is a registered sex offender who kept underage sex slaves in the building - nay, the very apartment - that you now live in. Gotcha. It's creepy.

I'm not sure how morally wrong it is to live there, though. Then again, I have stated elsewhere that an apartment is just a box, it was empty before you moved in and it will be empty again when you move out.

What can you do?

SHADDAP!


The answer to your question is, as many have already told you, nothing. You can't do a thing about it. You have to pay out your lease whether you actually live in the joint or not, so you'll just have to deal.

I have a couple of questions, though...

How did you find out all of this information? Did someone tell you? Who? Was it the old lady in 2B that always wears the pink bathrobe that smells of cat pee? Perhaps it was that skinnyyoung man with the red dots on his arms and legs and the twitching problem in 1A? How about the older fella that shouts through the door because he can't open it for all the junk he's hoarded in his apartment. Was it him?

Then I have to ask.... Did you verify any of this? Did you check your local Sex Offenders Registry? Most registries aren't allowed to tell you the exact nature of the offense, so really, how DO you know those details?

If I were a cynical person (heavens forfend!), I'd wonder if you were trying on this story to see if you could use it to break your lease and move in with a new boy/girlfriend....

SHADDAP! Again...


You say in your letter that your landlord is "back in business". What business would that be? The landlord business? Then pay your rent, you prat. The sex slave business? Then call the cops.

Now go away. Your whining hurts my ears.


4. Wow. You're brave. THREE kids? All little? You have your hands full. It's a wonder you found time to write to the Internet Lady!

SHADDAP!


Your husband's sister dumps her kids off on you all the time. Mostly in the evenings, forcing you to feed and care for HER brats AND your three (including a newborn) after you've already had a full day baby-wrangling and keeping your house running. Now she's threatening to leave them with you for the entire summer of 2011 and you don't know what to do!

Of course you already KNOW the answer to your question, right?

No. That's it. The whole answer. Ok, it's a little more complicated than that. She's your husband's sister, right? You want to keep your husband sweet, and in order to do that, you have to manage things so that she can't complain about you.

I know that most people who see a stay-at-home mother figure that she's got nothing to do but sit on her ass and eat bon-bons all day. But you know that's a crock, and so does every other woman (or man) who's opted to stay home with the kids. You're working hard and you deserve to focus on YOUR family, not someone else's

There are a couple of ways you can handle this. You can, as many suggest, have a talk with your husband, tell him that you can't handle FIVE kids alone, and that you want this free babysitting to stop. If he's got anything resembling a heart or a brain, he'll go for that. After all, he has to live with YOU, not his sister. Keeping you happy means him having a happy life, right?

If he gets shirty about it...tell him you want to go back to work. Say, "Honey, I think if I go back to work, we can just swing hiring a nanny for the kids and a house cleaner to come in every couple of weeks."

He'll ask you why you want to do that, and you'll answer, "Sweetie, I feel like I'm running a day care anyway with all of the extra work I have to do with your sister's kids. If I'm going to be run off my feet, frazzled and constantly too tired for sex, I'd at least like to get some money out of the deal."

That should about do it. How hard is that? Why didn't you do it before? Are you frightened of your husband? Do you LIKE being treated like a slave? Is it FUN to be taken advantage of all the time? Of course not!

Not dealing with this quickly and decisively would be dumb. Stop the nonsense now and you'll be saving yourself either a big blowup later or a nervous breakdown. Your choice.

Sucks to be You!

(Photograph copyright 2010, all rights reserved)

It's 90 degrees here in the City of Wind today, which is very, very odd. It's just not supposed to be this hot at this time of year. I'll take it, though. This is one of those days I'll be grateful for in February, when I'm all cranky about the cold, right?

Everyone at Dear Prudie is feeling very sorry for themselves this week, so I've had to change the name of the entry. I have never seen such a bunch of self-pitying whiners!


1. You had a teacher that was a bully. I feel for you. I do. I had one of those in third grade. She used to slap a couple of carefully selected kids on a regular basis and she was just...mean. I hated the woman. Other kids used to draw pictures of her falling off cliffs and such. Several of us complained, and like you, we were told that if we behaved ourselves better, we wouldn't have a problem. HAH!

But that's NOT your current problem, is it? You have a brand new MEd, and you need a job. In your old district. Where the same appalling woman is STILL being nasty to little kids and you just don't want to work with her. Hmmm.

Sucks to be you. 


Listen kid, I don't know how old you are, but  allow me to give you a life lesson. You are not going to adore every human being that you ever work with in your life. You don't have to, either. No one expects that of you. What they DO expect is civilized behavior and that you learn to be polite to EVERYONE, not just your buddies.

Sure, I see where you're coming from. Every time you see this woman, the little kid that she spent a year crapping on shivers a little. Probably she's doing the very same thing to another kid right now, and has been doing it to other kids all along. You want to tell on her, but you know you won't be listened to....

SHADDAP!


You don't have the job yet. If you do get the job, what you will have to do is keep your mouth shut and your head down and do whatever it takes to keep that job. Right now, you need to put food on the table and pay off student loans. You don't have the standing, the authority or the money to make a stand right now.

I have one question for you, though. Why is this the only place you're looking for work? Education systems across the country and being revamped right now and they are screaming for young people with your qualifications to go and work for them. If the only answer is that you're afraid to move, then you'd better re-think that, kid. In this economy you don't get to confine your job search to three square miles and then whine about the choices you have to make.


2. This sounds like something people dream about! Three colleagues throw off the traces and go to work for themselves. You have a dream job that's the perfectest perfect situation in the whole wide world except for one teeny little thing....

Which I have to agree with you about. Going without a bra, particularly if she really needs one, is really unprofessional and rude of your colleague. Why she would do this, after having reined in the girls for her entire adult life, is anyone's guess. It's her problem anyway, not yours. You just don't know how to tell her what you think...

Sucks to be you!

So what's the big deal? Why so tentative? Are you frightened of this woman? Do you think she might throw something at you if you mention the obvious wobble? Does she pack iron? Or are you just afraid you might blush, so you're looking for an excuse not to bring it up?

This is a beef that I have with a LOT of people who write to advice columns. I assume that the three of you are friends, right? You'd have to be, to survive in a three-person company. You all know each other pretty well, you all know the business you're in, so what's the big deal? Quit pussyfooting around and

SHADDAP!


You have to call a meeting either at the beginning or the end of the day and say something like, "Shirley (or whatever), this new habit of yours of going bra-less has got to stop. It looks unprofessional and it's not the way we want to attract business. We can't afford to have you undermining our appearance by not taking care of yours."

OR.... you could just call her into your office and say, "Shirley, cover your tits. It looks sloppy."

See? Easy! Save yourself the angst! TELL HER!

Geez, what an idiot!


3. Ok chickie-boo. I'll grant you that it must have been nice to have your husband around the house for ten months, especially with the baby. No doubt it made your life easier to have another body around 24/7 to help maintain the house and take the kid when you wanted to go somewhere. I'm sure it's been an adjustment dealing with him working again....

Sucks to be you!


Let me get this straight.....you wrote to the Internet lady to bitch about your husband HAVING A JOB? Where the hell do you get off with that crap? What are you, made of money that you can afford to have both of you home full time? And what were YOU doing while he was job-hunting? Why weren't YOU working at some stupid retail job or something?

You claim your son is "hysterical" and you're demanding that your husband change his work hours, even though he's brand-new and this company and no doubt people with his qualifications are a dime a dozen and ALL willing to take his job right now....

SHADDAP!


You silly bitch! Your husband is working those long hours to feed you while you choose not to work and all you can do is whine because he's not home for dinner? Do you have any idea how lucky you are right now? Do you understand that people are ending up homeless because they just can't find work?

Here's my advice. When your husband gets home tonight, you will be wearing a pretty apron and nothing else. You will be by the door, with a martini or alcoholic beverage of his choice on a tray, waiting for him. When he has finished that, you will tell him how grateful you are that he is willing to work those long hours to support his family.

You will thank him and you will apologize to him for being such a bitch. Because that's what you're being right now, a whiny, entitled bitch. Deal.


4. Ah, other people's kids. Your kid's best friend sleeps over and won't eat what you cook. This has become a Big Deal and the focus of your life right now, because naturally, what someone else's kid eats or doesn't will probably destroy The World As We Know It.

Sucks to be you!


Sure, you know how to handle a picky eater if it's your own kid. So what's the big deal with this one? No parent ever wins this fight if they allow it to become a fight, and the kid you're complaining about isn't even yours!

SHADDAP!


Have you even considered calling the child's parents and ASKING what you can do about this? Did it even cross your mind that you can conspire with whoever normally feeds this kid and come up with something that will work on the nights she stays over?

Seriously, how is it that this never crossed your mind before? It's such a no-brainer!

And here we are at my latest pet peeve AGAIN. TALK TO THE OTHER MOM. Duh, fucking duh!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now here I have to interject on the picky eater thing. Lots of people on The Fray are dispensing a lot of "wisdom" about how to raise a kid that will eat whatever you put in front of it. They are all missing the point that the kid in question isn't the LWs kid! Her pickiness is her parents problem!

That said, my Cool Niece is now 3 1/2 years old. She is not terribly picky. In fact, her mother never gave her the option of having anything but healthy food, so I can't see her ever becoming "the kid who will only eat white food" or whatever.

She does get some choice in her dinners, though. The protein is a set item - say turkey burgers or whatever. THEN her mother will ask if she wants (for example) broccoli or carrots. The kid chooses one. There are no other options. The same goes for dessert - blueberries or peaches? And so on. It works.

I have never seen her throw a fit at the table - which is a good thing. According to her mother though, upon being presented with a bowl of Spaghetti-Os at a friend's house, the kid leaned over and told her mom, "Mommy, I don't like this," in a stage whisper.

That is the moment my friend was quite willing to say, "Who let that kid in here? Because I've never seen it before in my life!"

SHADDAP!

(Photograph copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)


Labor Day is this weekend, and so I have to ask.... Does summer feel like it's over to you? We've still got 80+ degree temperatures, and even though it finally cooled off a bit, we know that's not going to last. It's been one of the hottest summers on record here in the City of Wind, and no matter how many people I hear whining for cool weather, I don't want it yet. The Boy is one of the whiners, but he gets to work in California during the week. He'll only experience snow on the weekend, and probably won't even have to shovel, so I'm ignoring him on this point.

A lot of people use Labor Day as a dividing line. People with kids send them off to school, so the kids definitely feel that way. I'm just relieved that the student drivers are all in classrooms where they belong. There are fashion rules about Labor Day - like no white shoes or gloves afterward. Some people start wearing boots and jeans the next day, even though they WANT to be wearing shorts and sandals. That strikes me as pretty silly. Why sweat if you don't have to?

I'm not going to acknowledge it. I will be wearing shorts until I risk turning blue with the cold. I'll wear shorts with sweaters, boots, jackets, even wooly hats - all because somewhere in my head I sincerely believe that the mere baring of my legs will prevent winter from coming. I'll drink margaritas, I'll use the barbecue, I'll eat outdoors, all until I'm forced to go indoors. I know I'll look pretty ridiculous in shorts around Hallowe'en, but that's all right. I'm willing to look like a complete goof to prove my point. I figure I can kid myself at least until there's snow.... whereupon I will embrace sweaters and excavate the long underwear. I'm a summer person, but I'm no dummy.

What a crop of letters today! From the dumb to the desperate, Prudie covered them all. Find the letters here .


1. You have everything you ever wanted and more than many people dare to dream of. You've got a loving husband who will stay with you until death. You have stepkids that adore you, and that you get along beautifully with. It sounds as if your lifestyle is just what you like - I assume both of you have good jobs and financial stability - or as much stability as you could have in this economy, anyway.

Life is good. Very good. In fact, you have it better than probably more than half of the people around you do....

...but it's not enough, is it?. No. You have fixed on the idea that you absolutely MUST, at all costs, have a baby. NOW.

SHADDAP!

You jackass! You AGREED when you got married to this paragon of a man that loves you to distraction, that you would not have kids. He made it excruciatingly clear to you that HE DID NOT WANT MORE KIDS. I think the vasectomy makes that pretty clear, don't you? You weren't a kid when you married this man, so you don't have the "young and dumb" excuse.

What are your reasons for wanting to spawn now, anyway? Hormones? Whoopee freakin' ding, sugar. Women who already HAVE kids feel like you do just before menopause. Most of them are smart enough to realize it's a bad idea. You even acknowledge in your letter that the ONLY reason you want to have babies is that the clock is running out. That's a lousy reason for having a kid, moron.

What do you think is going to happen? You say that you "...want to parent with a partner", which is all very well and good, but you know that THE MAN WHO LOVES YOU (idiot) will not be that person. All right. Let's say you leave your husband, who loves you, and your step-children (who you will have no right to see later) who also love you, and your home, which you love, and the relatively affluent lifestyle that you enjoy..... What will you be left with?

Let's see....oh yeah! You'll be a single mother at an age when most people are starting to look forward to retirement! There are precious few men your age that will be willing to take on a stranger's kid. Plan on being alone. YOU won't be able to retire, though, will you? No, you'll be raising a baby and working your tail off to make the money to do that because you won't have child support to rely on. There won't be any college fund.....no retirement for you, either. No, just because you feel a wagging uterus NOW, you'll be working at a job LONG after most of your contemporaries are napping at the beach between rounds of golf (or margaritas).

In the meantime, you will be devastating the people who love you. You will destroy THEIR lives and THEIR security, just because you have to act like a stupid teenybopper who thinks babies are toys. Sure. You can leave. You have every right to do that. You can say "damn the consequences" and bugger off into the great unknown if you want to. You'll be throwing away everything of value that you already have, but hey, it's all about you, right?

Marriage is NOT just fun and games. Anyone who's been married for any length of time knows that. Throughout your life, there are decisions to be made, and you don't get to take the selfish route every time. Those vows you took come with obligations. You are obligated to think not just about YOU and what YOU want, you also have to consider other people. Part of not being alone means accepting that the person you married is just as important as you are. That's MARRIAGE. Both people benefit, but both people compromise, too.

Trying to force your husband to accept a baby now is a betrayal. You knew what you were getting into with this marriage, and you accepted that kids were not part of the picture. You won't think about this. You're too self-centered and idiotic. I would advise that you get your hormone levels tested, because I think about 95% of your problem is that you're already well into menopause....


2. This is a stupid question, kid. Why did you write to the Internet lady? It's a no-brainer!

You found out that a student a year ahead of you plagiarized the paper that your professor gave you as an exemplar. Why are you agonizing over what to do?

SHADDAP!

kid, and listen...

Make a copy of the paper. Highlight the passages that were plagiarized. Then put a sticky tab in the spots where those passages are in the book. Hand it to your professor. Get another copy of the paper, another copy of the book, and do the same thing. Give that to your dean.

See? Easy!

Why would you let an academic fraud prosper because you can't make a simple decision? Has it occurred to you that YOU will look like a flaming idiot if anyone ever discovers that you KNEW about the plagiarism and did nothing? YOUR integrity is on trial here, kid. You already know that the fact of the plagiarism proves that your professor's golden boy has no moral compass.

Duh.


3. Your daughter asked you a technical question, you knew the answer, her boss is thrilled with the answer....and what's your problem? A co-worker accuses you of "cheating" somehow?

SHADDAP!


Your daughter did the absolute right thing. She asked an expert. That's what she SHOULD do, right? Why should she have to struggle through and reinvent the wheel every time she needs an answer? How stupid would that be? It's the equivalent of inventing the computer from scratch when you have a software issue. You'll get the answer, but by the time you do, it's not relevant and it will cost the company a fortune.

So here's the only thing you need to tell the silly ass who's got a stick up her ass about this:

SHADDAP! (Add invective as needed. For example, "Shaddap, dumbass!" is acceptable.)


4. I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how devastating it was for you to lose your husband at such a young age. I don't know if anyone had told you that, but someone should. It's bad enough to lose a spouse, especially when your children are so young, but to have to deal with his obnoxious relatives is just too much. YOU need time to handle this, you don't need to put up with any extra crap right now. Tell them all to

SHADDAP!

and leave you alone right now.

One of the first things obnoxious relatives do is look to blame someone for a death. You seem to be their obvious choice....which is stupid, but there you go. The only thing you can tell them to do is ask for an autopsy on their own. It's just barely possible they can get a judge to order an autopsy, but they'd have to have a good reason for it. These things can be done. Probably if they tried this, they'd be told to get lost.

You aren't obligated to give these people anything. Clearly they have a grudge that is entirely irrational, and by attacking you, they're making themselves feel better. They don't CARE what you're going through, and they don't care what they're putting your kids through. It's obvious that "revenge" and petty bickering are all they're capable of. Don't waste your time or energy discussing anything relating to your husband with them. They've decided what they think and you will never convince them otherwise.

See, here's the thing. YOU were his wife. YOU are the one who has the authority to do as you see fit when it comes to funeral arrangements and so on. YOU and his children are more important than anything right now. They don't have to like that, that's the way it is. I'm sure that if they had at least tried to be decent to you, I'm sure you would have reciprocated. It's unfortunate that you had to learn what his relatives are really like now, when you're least able to do something about it. Beware, too. Given the way his relatives are behaving, you might have some of them demanding money - be it from your husband's estate, or his life insurance. They aren't entitled to a damned thing.

You say at then end of your letter that you're about to cut ties with these folks...and I give Prudie a big, fat, hairy F- for her answer. She yammers on about how kids "need" their grandparents. Take it from me, you don't want your kids anywhere NEAR these assholes, and YOU have the right to make that decision. They may be related, but they are NOT acting like family.

Oh, and don't ever agree to let them see the kids, but not deal with you. You and YOUR children are a package deal. Respect the group or be banned from it, you are the most important person in your kids' lives and never forget it. No one else matters, especially now.

SHADDAP! ....just.....shaddap...please....you're killing me, here!

(Photograph copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)

Ok. I'm finally getting it together-ish. I have a problem combining "Summer" and "writing". Summer, you see, is my favorite time of the year. I want to wallow in the sun, bask in the heat, get a tan (and no, I DON'T feel in the least guilty about that), drink gin and tonic.... you know, summer stuff. Sitting at a computer is difficult, and it gets harder and harder for every degree of heat over 75. Today it's 88 and I'm grooving. But I owe you some answers. Source material is here .

Then, and as an extra special bonus JUST FOR YOU.... I have a dilemma of my own and YOU can tell me what to do. Even if it's SHADDAP!


1. You accused someone of cornering you in a bathroom when you were six years old, so you could avoid going to your father's house for a weekend of drunken abuse. Now that you're an adult, you feel guilty.

SHADDAP!

You did one thing spectacularly right here, kid. You avoided getting in a car with a drunk. You survived your fucked-up family. I understand the impulse to apologize for your actions. If you want to know what happened, ask your mother. Then decide. In the meantime, get some help.

I suspect this has more to do with your feelings about your father than anything else.


2. Oh boy! Your nasty family member who gets fired a lot for nastiness is applying for a job where you work and you're wondering whether you should give HR the heads up about this lunatic?

SHADDAP!

Given that this person has issues with everyone, not just you, odds are good that she wouldn't get hired in the first place. That said, there's nothing wrong with tipping the nod to whoever's doing the hiring. Look at it this way. If your company has to find out the hard way that your relative is an unholy bitch and has to fire her, it's going to cost them a fortune.

I noticed too, although others haven't, that you say, "...this family member would put my career in jeapordy."

You didn't say COULD, you said WOULD. Definitely tattle on the bitch. Then cut her out of your life entirely. It sounds like she's been upsetting you for a long time. Why give her the chance to continue?


3. Bloody hell! WTF? ANOTHER round of, "my boyfriend is the perfectist perfect boyfriend on the face of the planet yadda yadda yadda .......BUT?!"

SHADDAP!

Heaven help us all when stupid people decide that assholes are "perfect". What part of "insanely jealous" did you miss here, sugar? You know that's just going to be code for everyone to tell you to DTMFA, right? Right?

You don't owe him a "number". Period. He never should have asked. It's none of his fucking business, it's intrusive, and if he cared about YOU, your past would be meaningless to him. So do us all a favor, send him back to whatever assholeland he sprang from and go find yourself a grownup.

But do some growing up yourself, first.

Duh.


4. You sleep in the same bed as your son for the FOUR DAYS A MONTH you get to see him, except when you're fucking whatever boyfriend you have at the time, and you think this is somehow ALL RIGHT?

SHADDAP!

Get your son a sofa bed. Tell your boyfriend that he'll have to take care of business himself four times a month. Duh, fucking duh.

Better yet, sign off all parental rights to your ex, since he's the parent with the brain in this case. Then you can screw like a bunny any old time you want with the bedroom door open, even, and your son will at least have half a chance at not being a complete head case because of you.

It's probably too late.


------------------------------------------------------------------


Now I know you're all just DYING to know what my dilemma is. I have to say, I just can't wait for Tonto to tell me I'm fulla crap! Are you ready for this? Are you?


Dear Readers,

As a lot of you already know, I'm a Clay Person. I've been doing this for the better part of a decade now, and I finally feel like I've hit my sculpture groove. People are noticing my work, which is slightly shocking to me, since in the past I've heard things like, "What's it for?" a lot. It's not FOR anything. It just is. One day I'll post some photos of the recent stuff. On to the story.

I have to work in a studio, of course, and since few people have the money or the space to work at home, we congregate at facilities where we can take classes, mingle with other Clay People and generally get some work done in a relatively convivial atmosphere. It's generally a pretty mellow group. No one gets wound up about the small stuff, and while there are some personality clashes, we're a civilized bunch and just choose not to deal with people we don't get along with.

So here's the problem. In the class I'm taking now (and that I'm planning to repeat because I adore the teacher), there is a Fly in the Ointment. This fellow student is just impossible to deal with. I tried to be friendly. No dice. I tried to be polite. Nothing. I tried to ignore her. She's being even MORE obnoxious. She has a permanent frown and a foul attitude.

I asked around and several people have told me that they have issues with this broad. Some who have been cornered by her, have been subjected to literally HOURS of misery as she drones on about her near-death experiences and life-threatening illnesses. Frankly, if she's been as ill as she claims, I don't know how she's still breathing. Everything with her is a downer. She NEVER smiles. Nothing she ever says is positive, even to the people she calls her friends. She's bitchy, she's rude and she sucks the energy out of every room she's in because of her perpetual whining.

I felt I'd dodged a bullet, what with the not getting trapped by her and all. When I go to class or if I just go to use the studio I generally use my IPod to zone out and work and the people that know me know that I'm not being rude, I'm just concentrating. If someone wants to talk to me, they either tap me on the shoulder or wave at me when I look up. It works.

The dilemma? I've been ignoring the Soul Sucker. I'm a pretty upbeat person (yeah, go ahead Tonto), and I'm there to work, so it's not a big deal. SHE on the other hand, has been hard at work on the rumor mill. Apparently I offended. There are people I've been friendly with for years that now give me shifty looks. The other day, I heard her lecturing a couple of people about what a "stuck up bitch" I am and how "mean" I've been to her. I think I've said ten words directly to her in the last five years.

So what to do? You all know that I'm the first one to tell anyone not to rent space in their heads to assholes. I don't have time for nasty people. Then again, what do I do at the studio? Let her spread her nasty little rumors? I suspect by now I eat babies and kick puppies according to her. Frankly, it's been a long time since I've had to be around anyone that's actively malicious towards me.

Do I call her on it? Do I tell her to piss off? Do I kill her with politeness? Do I shake her until her teeth rattle? Tell the boys I DON'T have cooties? My instinct is to not engage and let her shoot off her mouth. Eventually she'll yap to the wrong person and get told to shut up, right?

Sigh.

Comments are always welcome! I'm unavailable to write here next week, but I'll be checking in from time to time....

Messy

Go ahead. Touch the sharp pointy thing. It won't hurt. Really.

(Photograph copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)


I'm back! Didja miss me? Didja? Oh. Did you even notice I was gone? Oh. Oh well. It was a great deal of fun anyway.

So this week, the letters are.... some say boring. Some say repetitive. I say to heck with that! I say that these folks are perfect, living examples of jumping off the bridge just because Billy does. That's right. These idiots are so credulous, so naive, so easily led that they demonstrate that people will believe just any damned thing someone told them once upon a time. Or that they read on that web site that gave them all the nasty viruses.

It's true, all true I tell ya! The moon really IS made of green cheese! Unicorns not only exist, they poop marshmallows and are the secret power behind Kraft Foods! The aliens have already been here so long that THEY ARE US! ( I double dog dare anyone to tell me where I stole that last bit from.) The medical community IS one big conspiracy....to make us eat fiber! There IS a Good Ship Lollipop! When the government says they're here to help, THEY ARE!

Yeesh. Off we go.


1. Ok. You got knocked up 20 years ago because you were bonking every guy that struck your fancy, and in the face of all the warnings that you got about sexually transmitted diseases, you believed horny little boys who told you that condoms "pinch". That was it, right? RIGHT? Now your daughter, who you have brainwashed into believing that she has to harass all of your former partners because she "deserves" to be in their wills wants to meet her biological father. The trouble is that you have NO FUCKING IDEA who that could be!

SHADDAP!

You've got a lot of gall, don't you? I don't believe for a millisecond that "Tom" and "Mike" are the only candidates for Daddy. They might be the only ones who told you their real surnames and gave you their real phone numbers, but that's about it. You thought you could control the situation, didn't you? You sincerely believed that if you pointed your daughter at a couple of these guys, it would shut her up about wanting to know who her other DNA donor is.

Boy did you screw that one up! It's bang normal for someone in their late teens to think that all of their problems will be solved if they can find their "real" parents. You've been evasive about who fathered her all her life, and now that she's calling you on it, you have to face the fact that you don't know!

I'm glad you got married, and I'm glad that your husband has been a good parent to your daughter. If you had half a brain in your head, you would have told your daughter that the guy who raised her and loved her all her life is her "real" father, not the sperm donor that you hooked up with when you were bored twenty years ago. But you didn't do that, so prepare to answer the following questions from the kid you lied to all her life:

a) Mom, what the hell were you doing risking your life (and mine) by fucking multiple men at the same time and not using any protection at all?

b) Mom, how fucking stupid do you have to be not to try and find out which one of those guys knocked you up so that you could at least get a little child support for me when I really needed that money? Or did you think it was all right to risk ending up on the street because you were too lazy to bother with all that?

c) Gee Mom, why should I believe anything you tell me now?

You say in your letter, "So now my daughter wants to go to Tom's house and meet him. What do I do?"

The answer to that is NOTHING. Stay out of it. Period. Your daughter is an adult, and who she chooses to speak to or not is HER decision. YOU were the one that launched her at this guy and YOU are going to be dealing with the fallout when she finds out that the poor bugger either really IS sterile or he lied to you. I know, you believed him when he told you that, didn't you, you silly moron. (No baby, it's true! I can't make babies, I'm sterile. See I have this note from the chess coach. I got kicked in the nuts when I won that last match.) Oldest trick in the book for avoiding condom use and you fell for it like, well, the idiot that you were at the time.

Eventually, your daughter is going to lose all respect for you, and not because you slept around before she was born. That's not even the issue here. In fact I'm all for a rollicking good sex life when you're young and single. No, she'll decide that she can't trust you not to lie every time you open your mouth. Hopefully her stepfather has enough sense to catch her when this all goes to smash. HE'S going to be the only one that poor kid can rely on here.


2. Oh yeah, here we go again. Yet another gormless twit that's been in law school for fifteen minutes and thinks that suing a lawyer is going to set her up for life. Really? How many idiots are going to write in to Prudie with this brilliant plan? I think I've seen it half a dozen times....but there will be more. There are ALWAYS more.

You say there's a dude who doesn't work for your company but can still see you at your desk who makes creepy comments to you. THEN, you pop out with, "...I overhear a lot of conversations I find highly offensive," and go on to say that this is a hostile work environment and you just can't deal with it.

SHADDAP!

So which one is it? How do you think you can scratch the most money out of the situation? Tape the lecherous lawyer or sue the whole firm because you listened in on conversations that didn't concern you? You have to decide, cookie. You don't get to have it both ways, you know.

Instead of telling Lecherous Louie to piss off with the leering and the rude comments, are you going to run whining to your boss like a five-year-old who's been told she has "cooties"? Or are you planning on leading him on, recording his every glance, breath, burp, and "hello" on the off chance that you might actually WIN a lawsuit or at least con him out of a settlement? I've got news for you, dear. You're going to lose that one. Especially when he tells your lawyer that you led him on so he would keep making the comments. That's called "trying to pull a fast one" and you clearly aren't smart enough to do it.

You gave yourself another out, though, didn't you? You read a paragraph somewhere about hostile work environments and maybe even a case study or two and decided that could be your ticket to life as the idle rich, right? I mean, it's worked for others, why not you?

SHADDAP AGAIN!

Part of being a lawyer has to do with absolute discretion. The whole notion of confidentiality is crucial. If you decide to reveal private conversations that you were not a party to, that you actually had to make a special effort to LISTEN IN ON, then your ass is truly going to hit the frying pan, and that won't be chicken you smell cooking. You can try that suit. You might even win. But you will NEVER work as an attorney. Ever. Anywhere. You will be law firm poison. In fact, if you try either of your cheesy little plots, you might as well go work in the food service or call center industries right now. Because those are the only jobs you'll ever be able to get.

Look, we already know that you're an opportunistic money grubbing creep. It's not a far leap to become an opportunistic money grubbing whore, right? If you REALLY want to cash in, fuck Leering Louie. No, I mean that literally. Haul him into a supply closet and rip his clothes off on a regular basis for the rest of the summer....convince him that he IS The Man, compliment his, er, physique at every opportunity.....meet him in seedy hotels, whatever it takes to get knocked up. Tell him you're on the Pill. If you ARE on the Pill, stop taking it. Duh. Keep the baby. Make him pay you....say child support AND a big whack of cash so you'll keep your mouth shut. You don't want to marry the guy, right? All you're after is the cash!

THAT'S a con that's about perfectly geared both for your intelligence AND your level of integrity. And just think, if you keep your figure for awhile, you can do it more than once!

*Shudder. What is the matter with people like this? Is it that bad to actually earn money by working for it? Like getting a degree and working at a job? She's just yucky on so many levels.*


3. You don't like your Dad. Check. Nothing odd about that. Not all relatives are adorable, and even nasty people reproduce on occasion. Talking to him is something you avoid if you can, but you remain civil. Civil is good. Civil might keep you in the will. Civil won't result in your mother or siblings getting up your nose about how "mean" you are not to adore the old coot. As a plan, I like it. As a plan, A+.

But... somehow he discovered Facebook. Oops. He wants to be your friend. Oops. Oh shit, right? If you do make him your FB buddy, he's going to find out about all the nasty things you said about him! So much for staying in the will, right?

SHADDAP!

I have an answer for you, but you're not going to like it. Here goes (and I know I sound like an old lady here, so suck it up): If you are posting things on Facebook that you don't want known to the entire world, DON'T POST THEM.

Isn't that easy? I don't care what your settings are. I don't care how easy it makes communication with all of your sixty gazillion "friends". You don't get to post everything about your life on the Internet and expect to have any privacy left at all. Period. There ARE no private conversations on the web. There is no way you can keep any secrets. If you choose to put your entire life on display, then you can't whine when someone wants in.

So to the solution. Either cancel your account, which is what I would do, because it creeps me out no end that anyone would open themselves, their spouse, their children and their personal information to the world, OR..... write your father a letter. On paper. With a pen. It's easy. I'll help:

a) First you have to get a piece of paper. White is a good color. Men in general don't generally appreciate the fancy stationery or scented pens and crap like that. No. Construction paper does NOT count. And you may NOT use paper with lines on it unless you're under ten years old. No, you may NOT tear out the end paper of a book. Plain. White. Paper. Copy paper will work.

b) Ok. Got your paper? Now you need a pen. No. A Sharpie marker is not acceptable. Neither is crayon, pencil crayon or grape-scented washable markers. Find an actual pen. It doesn't matter if it's a ball point or roller ball....and it doesn't matter if the ink is blue or black (black is better - he's 80, it's easier to see). No, not red, not green.

c) Now you need to sit down on a chair, at a table or desk. No. CLOSE the laptop. Push it to the back of the desk. You won't be using it. Good. Put the paper on the table, open the pen.....

d) Write the date at the top of the page. What? How can you not know the date? Where the hell is your calendar? What do you mean "what's a calendar?!" Oh all right. Open the damned computer. It should be in "Dashboard". Good. Now. Write the date. With the pen. On the paper. Yes, it IS all right if you print. *shaking head sadly*

e) Now you're ready to write a letter. Start with "Dear Dad", tell him ONLY what you want him to know, sign it "Your Loving and Devoted Daughter" and put it in an envelope upon which you have written his address, put a stamp on it..... A stamp. You may have heard of them. They're sold at places called "Post Offices". No really, Post Offices not only exist, they're in your neighborhood...... Oh shut up. Here's a goddamned stamp. It goes on...never mind. I'll do that for you.

f) Put the photographs you want him to see (or a zip drive - he does have a computer you know) in the envelope, seal it and walk it to a mail box. No. A REAL mail box. They're blue. Yeah... with the flippy lid. No, they AREN'T fancy recycling bins...No, you're thinking of a Tardis....

In a couple of days, he'll get the letter, find out what you want him to know, and he'll be a happy camper. Do this every couple of months or so and you can even skive off phoning the man if you want to.

Problem solved. Twit.


4. Oh dear. AGAIN we get subjected to "my boyfriend is the perfectest perfect person in the whole wide wonderful world but..."

Can it. We've all heard it before. Wasn't there some idiot who was willing to dump her man because her friends said he wasn't good-looking enough here a couple of months back? Was it even on Prudie? Oh well. It might have been somewhere else. Nonetheless, shit like this is shoveled by the truckload in advice columns.

You're single. He's single. You like each other. Hell, you even love each other. Life together for the long haul is not out of the question. You're both happy... Do you have any idea how rare that is? That two people get along so well that meshing their lives is just one happy process with no angst and ugliness? Clearly not. Sigh.

Naturally, you have to dump a fly in the ointment. A whole bloody swarm of them. You just had to, didn't you? I mean, you can't just let things progress and have a happy and fulfilling life. Nooooooo that would be too easy. YOU have to listen to a jealous bitch "friend" who's trying to destroy all that....and you're actually considering LETTING her do that!

SHADDAP!

What is this bullshit about it being "normal" to fight? What the hell is that? Your FRIEND might think that's normal, no doubt because the weekly donnybrook is the only time she and HER husband interact at all. Did it ever cross your pointed little brain that she's jealous because you're happier than she is? No? Has it not crossed your mind that fighting all the time is not only stressful and hard on a relationship, but NOT HEALTHY?

Listen. No one goes through life without strife. When two adults live together, they are not going to instantly agree on everything. That's normal. What's NOT normal is living for the moment you're screaming at each other like a couple of deranged howler monkeys. It's NOT normal to actually look forward to flying crockery, stomping around like a surly adolescent or slamming doors. It's NOT normal to have to budget a few hundred dollars a month to repair drywall and replace broken windows. NOT NORMAL.

There are MILLIONS of couples who don't do this. They get along. They make each other happy. They WORK at making each other happy. Arguments are few and not heated. They do this for decades at a time. Many of them do this until they die, and THEY LIKE IT THAT WAY. It's normal to be happy. It's normal to be loved and to love someone without drama. If you can manage this, then yes, you will run across jealous assholes like your "dear friend" who are so envious of your success that they'll try to smash your life so you'll be as miserable as they are.

This woman is no friend of yours. If you permit her to split up a relationship that makes you happy, then you are a fool. Tell her ONCE that you aren't interested in the commentary about your relationship and if she can't just be happy for you, she can get lost. Dump HER, keep HIM and don't let anyone tell you how you should feel. HE is the most important person in your life. Not her. Grow the fuck up and own your life.

Have the fun, drink the wine, enjoy the sex and feel free to be a bit smug about it. You've both earned that right.

Duh.

SHADDAP! You Gonna Take That?

(Photograph copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)

Well, regular readers of my nonsense already know, but here it is for the world: The Boy and I are now American citizens. That's right, kids! No longer will I have to tolerate the "what do Canadians know?" nonsense the *certain* people pop out with when I make sweeping, nonsensical political comments! No more will I have to endure the "you just don't get it" that I get when I crap all over Sarah Palin!

Quake in fear, fellow bloggers! I'm a Yank now, babies!

Now from time to time, I urge people to listen to a song that I think embodies the answer that ALL of the LWs on Dear Prudie need to hear. Something like this . Yes, if only we could solve our problems like Malcolm!

It's going to be 100 degrees here in the City of Wind today, and The Boy and I have pretty much decided that anything involving outdoor activity is just not going to happen. It would be cruel and unusual for us to make ourselves walk on concrete on a day like this, so here we go....


1. (Everyone is taking it easy on this LW. I get it. With an unemployed verbally abusive husband, she doesn't need any crap raining down on her. Really.....I get it. I'm trying to understand, I am. Ok. I can't, not completely.)

Ok. I gave a smidge of a synopsis above, but I have to ask, what is your major malfunction, kid? You're married a MONTH, your husband is showing his abusive side and you're sticking around? What in blazes for?

SHADDAP! How long are you going to take his crap?

I have to wonder what went into this "marriage" from the start. I suspect that you dated this guy four times, he love-bombed you and convinced you that you and he are "soul mates" (a bullshit designation that really means 'get a room') and married him without a single thought in your tiny, pointed brain.

See, I tell everyone that there are a bunch of conditions EVERYONE should meet before they decide to marry. They need to see their partner:

a) Interact with their family.

b) Sick. With the flu or something really nasty.

c) Ungroomed, as in unshaven or no makeup.

d) Interact with pets and children. Even if you aren't planning on either, this is an excellent character test.

e) Deal with money. Do they pay their bills? On time?

f) After a very bad day at work. Do they blame others for their problems?

g) On at least one major holiday.

h) Drunk.

i) With a hangover.

None of these are negotiable.

Even if someone passes all THAT without completely disillusioning you, you should STILL not marry until you've known that person for a full year. If it's true love, believe me, a year is NOTHING. I'm deadly serious here, folks. If the person who wants to marry you wants to do it instantly, that is a massive red flag. Waiting harms no one and it gives you both a chance to make a rational decision. And for those of you that think rationality shouldn't come into it - your life will be (or already is) a train wreck.

But you didn't do that, did you? Now you're finding out exactly what kind of person you married, and trust me on this, it is only going to get worst. You say "...I'm starting to feel like a martyr because I have to apologize for every little transgression.", what he hears is, "I'm sorry I'm sorry, please dominate me and tell me what to do! Treat me like a slightly mentally impaired toddler because I agree with you that I'm too stupid to live!"

Are you hearing me? Every time you apologize, you are giving him permission to shit on you. This is how he makes himself feel good. It has nothing to do with him being suddenly unemployed. If he had kept his job, this would have happened anyway, but he might have waited for you to have children that he could threaten.

You say that "...he said I can't fault him for my faults."

Are you paying attention to what that really MEANS? It means that in this relationship, you are not human. You are a servant, a dog to be beaten, a non-human. So how long are you going to take it? Are you going to wait until he hits you? Are you going to let him force you to quit your job because of stress? Do you think you deserve this? If so, why?

Get the hell out of that house. RUN, don't walk to a therapist to find out why your self-image is so crappy. The man you married TARGETED YOU because you are willing to be abused. Don't let him make his fantasies come true at your expense.


2. (I'm going to catch hell for this one. I've already run contrary to most peoples' opinions on it, so feel free. I still think I'm right.)

Right. You are a happily engaged 20-something, looking forward to a long, happy and prosperous life with your soon-to-be husband. Congratulations. But you can't just let that lie, can you? No, you have to hunt for trouble. I get that you went through a depressive stage in college. Most college students do at one point. It's a big adjustment, big decisions are being made, and most college students are at the exact age when everything, no matter how trivial isn't just important, they're LIFE AND DEATH.

You made a half-assed suicide attempt, failed, recovered, and are determined that it will never happen again. So what's the problem? You say you think you should tell your fiance?

SHADDAP! Stop listening to the 70s "reveal" freaks!

See, I have a different take on this. A lot of people think that when you marry someone, that person is entitled to know about your every burp, fart, sexual escapade and mistake. They're all in favor of telling that person about the time you nicked yourself with a razor trimming your pubic hair in high school, the one and only time you threw up because you were THAT drunk, the bad dye job you did when you decided to be blond, the time you went under the bleachers with Billy just because you wanted to see what an erection looks like up close, the time you got detention because you called one of the mean girls a bitch and someone overheard....

It's all bullshit. No one needs that level of detail. If you don't want to talk about your suicide attempt, YOU DON'T HAVE TO. It would only be fair to let him know about that depressive episode, but something as personal and upsetting as that episode is something that you're allowed to keep private if you want to. He doesn't need all the gory details.

See, good marriages are built by people who are both a couple AND individual adults. We all need a little space, a little privacy from time to time. Revealing your every dream, wish and sexual fantasy (no matter how odd) is something that successfully married couple just don't do. They love each other. They share the big things. They understand that they are separate people who have inner lives of their own. A good partner will NEVER try and force you to reveal everything. NEVER.

Prudie is right about one thing. If you're afraid to tell your fiance because you think he might leave you if you do, then he's an asshole that you don't want to be married to in the first place. In fact, I would add that little tidbit of advice to LW #2s list. While you don't have to reveal everything that you'd sooner keep private, if you're do decide to tell and that person reacts badly, then you need to find someone you can trust.


3. Ah, cubicle wars! It's been awhile since we've seen one of these. I'm assuming that you are a detail-oriented person who's in some sort of technical field. You need to concentrate on your work. But wait! There's a hitch! YOUR cubicle has become the Social Center in the office. People stand over you and blither away all day long while you're trying to work!

SHADDAP! Are you going to let a bunch of yappy idiots decide how you do your job?

Yes. I understand that your boss is one of the culprits. It sucks that you can't even hide in a meeting room without being snooped on. So DO something about it!

Your boss seems to be a nice, social person. TELL him/her about this. Let them know that you need a quiet place to work in. Everyone is telling you this, it's true, so listen up! Don't sit there seething. Don't be a timid twit trying to drown out the noise. Don't ASK if people will be quiet.

Go to your boss first thing in the morning, explain your noise issues and offer a couple of suggestions. You could ask to work at home one or two days a week. Tell him/her that you'd like to take over a meeting room from time to time and put a "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door. Ask if there's an empty office you can borrow.

See, going to a higher-up and whining isn't going to get you anywhere unless you can add some concrete solutions as well. If you really want to solve this problem, you're going to have to get proactive and deal with it instead of whining to the Internet Lady.

Duh.


4. This is an easy one. You live as "green" as you can, but draw the line at suffering through intense heat with no air conditioning. That's reasonable. Many, many people do exactly the same thing. There are limits to what you can live with, and life is compromise.

However..... I love these "howevers"..... you have a so-called "friend" that goes to your home once a week, accepts your hospitality - along with snacks and beverages, no doubt and "...always manages to lecture me about how I'm killing the environment because of my own selfish wants."

SHADDAP! How long are you going to take that crap?

Some "friend"! Why the hell are you asking what you should do about this? Hell, even if it were a family member who never saw you without berating you, I'd recommend the same thing!

KICK THE BITCH OUT OF YOUR HOME!

Is that so hard? You could say some snappy things to her as quid pro quo, like spraying her with room freshener and remarking about how she smells like a homeless person fermenting in the heat, but why would you go there?

Do you waste time on the religious freaks that knock on your door? Befriend telemarketers because you don't want to be rude? Have you ever hurled your body over a puddle so that someone could walk on you? How about letting a stranger hit you with a stick because you can see he just needs to vent? No? Gee, I wonder why?

Grow the hell up! This person is TRYING to make you feel bad for reasons of her own, so why are you letting her do it? Do you LIKE being treated like garbage?

This idiot is not your friend. Stop being her doormat.

SHADDAP! Paddle the Prats Edition!

(Photographs copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)

News! News from the Messy household! Today, we passed our citizenship tests and we're being sworn in as brand-spanking-new U.S. citizens next week! Holy cow! Woo Hoo! That's right, they'll be taking away our Green Cards and letting us get passports instead.

We've lived here for ten years. It took five to get the Green Cards and another five to be allowed to apply for citizenship. We started the process April 1. I expected a wait. Others told me that it would probably be six months or so. But no. Either Canadians (or maybe it's us) are so boring that they just shove us along, or Homeland Security isn't as backed up as we thought. Either way, we're out for dinner tomorrow night to celebrate.

However, our humble accomplishments are as nothing in the face of the dim-witted, weak-minded, cowardly dumb assedness of this week's letters! It's true, all true! And remember, you heard it here/> at Dear Prudie first!

1. Wow. Lady, you've got a problem here, and I don't mean the size of your boobs. How did you manage to get to the age of 30+, have a career, buy a home, raise a daughter and STILL wonder if you should get a boob job so your boyfriend will like you more?

What kind of wimp-ass idiot are you, really?

SHADDAP! You prat!

Ten days of sex only ONCE a day for being a patsy!

All men watch porn. ALL of them. ALL men masturbate. Even if they are getting it twice a day, believe me, they all do it. MOST men like looking at big boobs. I'll give you that this is only a straw poll based the opinion of one guy (The Boy), but I'm willing to take it.

Are you with me here? Men (for the most part) like big boobs. At least to look at. Men are visual creatures.

Now here's the problem, and this is where you should pay attention. MOST WOMEN DO NOT HAVE BIG BOOBS. Haven't you noticed that in your 30+ years on the planet? Better yet, can you not tell the difference between the real and the fake? If not, why not? Fake ones are usually screamingly obvious.

Not only that, natural and unenhanced monstertitties are usually headed downward in a pretty serious way by the time they're your age and especially if the woman has had kids....like you. And that ain't pretty. There's no way you can dress it up to look good when your 36DDDs have become 36 Extra Longs. In fact, you can take it as a given that if you were suddenly to appear with balloon boobs, you would be fooling NO ONE. That is never going to look natural.

So, now think hard. That's right, I want to see steam rising from those little ears of yours..... ready?

If you think for one millisecond that spending several thousand dollars to buy those bogus/phony/fake beach balls that will hurt your back and make you look stupid will change your boyfriend's porn habit, you are dreaming in Technicolor, sugar.

You're already having sex once or twice a DAY according to your letter, so I'd say it's pretty obvious that your boyfriend is not only not regarding your B cups with revulsion (Did you read the part where I said men are visual creatures? Or were the words too big?), he likes them just fine.

He doesn't have a problem. You do. You need to look into why you're such a prat that you would consider major surgery based on the passing remark of a guy who clearly loves you, but was a little embarrassed when you noticed him having a chat with Mr. Happy on his own. Talk to the man, tell him you need to be spanked a little next time, and enjoy all of that extra whoopee you're getting.

2. This is almost as common a letter as the "My boyfriend is perfect but, ..." idiocy of the above letter. Seriously. It seems that there are people all over the place who are incapable of saying "no" to...well, anyone and everyone. You're killing yourself to accommodate people who don't seem to give a damn what you think and for what?

SHADDAP! You sissy!

And fifty cardboard tubes from toilet paper will be tossed at you as punishment for being such a prat!

Egad woman! How have you managed not to get eaten by bears or something by now?

Yes. It's got to be hard for your husband's aging parents not to be as active as they were. You say that for them to travel alone is difficult, and that's fair. But...but... That doesn't mean that you have to haul them along on your every vacation for the rest of their lives!

Oh, fertheluvamike! How did you get started on this spiral? I have no doubt that your husband finds it disturbing when his mother calls every night demanding 100% of your time and attention. No doubt at all. Probably his parents ARE lonely. But have you really LOOKED at their situation lately?

Are these people living on their own? Do they get out at all? Do they have any friends that they see on a regular basis? Are there activities that they participate in? Do they spend all day, every day alone in that house together making each other crazy?

See, a lot of people are wondering if there's Alzheimer's in the offing here. I doubt it, but you might want to make sure your in-laws see a doctor soon. I suspect the REAL problem is that they're desperately lonely, never go out, and that their only contact with the outside world is ... you.

I know that children of aging parents will scream and yell that elderly people need to stay in their homes forever. I also know that many elderly people will be utterly miserable and house-bound and STILL insist that they like it that way. That's not necessarily true. Often ( and I've seen this in action), moving out of their house and into an apartment with other people their age changes everything. Suddenly they have peers again! People to talk to that can understand them!

It can be magical. You and your husband need to talk to his siblings about this. Kick their asses to get their attention if you have to. There will be turmoil, but point out that none of them are around to see their parents deteriorating.

No, you are NOT considering slapping them in a nursing home and abandoning them. You'll be helping them set up an independent life where they don't have to be afraid of isolation, where there will be people around them all the time. Change is good, especially for people as lonely as your in-laws. Many of these places also arrange vacations, too!

Now. Quit being such a wimp and deal with this situation. You don't have to cave to the demands of a lonely old lady all the time. You are not being selfish. What you want is normal. You and your husband DO deserve to take a break on your own sometimes. Stop letting yourself be bullied and deal.

Yeesh. How have you managed to work for all these years? Do I have to tell you how to use the bathroom next?

3. This is painful. Seriously seriously painful. This is yet another example of a grownup acting like a whiny toddler. How do you go on? No, I mean that. How do you manage to get out of bed in the morning if you can't manage to stifle a baby intern when she acts like an asshole?

SHADDAP! Ya big wimp!

No dessert for you for a week!

Ok, I get that you work in some sort of social services setting and that such environments tend to lead one to overshare. It must be the touchy-feelie thing going on with people like you who take these jobs in the first place. I get it. I also get that you're proud that you've gotten your bipolar disorder under control. Congratulations, by the way. It can't have been easy to get where you are.

So what's the problem? Bipolar isn't stupid! Neither are you, or you wouldn't be doing the job you are now. I understand that everyone in your office knows about this, and I think it's admirable that you see yourself as an advocate for people who have your condition.

Given all that, why are you letting some jackass intern with a bachelor's degree push you around like a bully on the playground? In fact, why didn't you shut that silly bitch down the first time she opened her mouth?

You SAY that you and she disagree a lot. She's a know-it-all, she's obnoxious and she's not shy about telling you off. She engages in that cheapest and nastiest of ways to shut you up, too. Diminishing you as a human being by claiming that any protest you make to her assholery is about your mental illness is discriminaton.

SO WHY DO YOU LET HER DO IT?

SHADDAP! Again!

You are supposed to be the adult here. YOU are supposed to be training HER. She only pulls this bullshit because YOU permit it.

Now that you've finally gotten in through your head that you don't want to take her crap, you don't know how to shut her up? Here are a couple of things you can say when she claims you're an idiot because you have an illness:

a) Wow. You argue just like a little girl. Oh right. You ARE a little girl. Shut up, little girl.

b) Are you on the rag?

c) What's the matter, you can't come up with some facts, so you resort to bullshit?

d) There's a soap dispenser in that bathroom. Fill your mouth and swish, bitch.

e) This is a ball peen hammer. Use it on a finger whenever you're tempted to act like a bigot. Or I will.

All of the above will shut her up, if you use them correctly. Only (c) will keep you out of serious trouble if she screams discrimination. The others would be more fun, but I assume you want to keep your job. Of course you also know that you should have come up with that the FIRST time she tried to crap on you, right?

Then... you have to make sure that you never work with her again. I assume you have evaluation forms to hand it. Tell your boss what you told the Internet lady, you silly ass. Here, I'll write it for you:

"X is a nasty, bigoted, ugly-tempered know-it-all who has somehow faked her way in to this job, where we are supposed to be helping others. Her snotty attitude, lack of real knowledge of her subject (because if she DID know her subject, she wouldn't resort to insults) and complete unwillingness to learn lead me to conclude that she has a sterling career ahead of her as a fire-tower ranger or one-man submarine captain. Night watchman at a lead smelting plant is another brilliant career option that would suit her personality to perfection. She should never be in contact with other humans."

Oh, and talk to your boss about her NOW. Duh.

4. Ah families! Gotta love them, right? NOT! This is something I've said for years - you don't have to put up with crap from your family that wouldn't take from a total stranger. You need to have that tattooed somewhere where you'll see it every day. I suggest upside down on your stomach, so when you shave your legs in the shower you can't miss it.

To recap:

Your step-brother died. (Sorry about that, BTW.) Your sister asked you to get flowers. As a former florist and Master Gardener, you made a lovely arrangement with flowers from your garden, which your stepmother loved. Good on you, kid.

But wait! Your sister pitched a fit and called you cheap! Your stepsisters joined in! Oh, the horror! The drama! Whatever shall you do?!?!

SHADDAP!

You are hereby sentenced to leave ONE dandelion in your lawn alive for THE ENTIRE SUMMER. ( I can't think of a worse punishment for a Master Gardener, because I'm one, too.)

Ok. Do you get that you're not the villain here? Has it penetrated your skull that your sister looked like a mentally unbalanced idiot by pitching a fit at the funeral? She's the one that made a complete ass of herself. YOU did what was asked of you, you did it well, and that should be the end of it.

But no. And here's where I have to wonder what the hell is the matter with your family. Not only are these three ladies are calling you and haranguing you about it EVERY DAY, but you are LETTING THEM DO IT! What is that?

There are some very obvious ways to shut this down, you know. You did know that, right? Hmm. Apparently not. Ok. Here goes.

a) Use your call display, dippy! If you see their number, DON'T PICK UP. See? how hard is that? Why are you making yourself available for them to abuse? You know what they're going to say, so don't let them do it.

b) If you are so foolish as to pick up the phone, then before they have a chance to say anything, tell them, "Gee, you must have a really fucking boring life if this is how you entertain yourself." THEN hang up. Repeat as needed.

c) (And let me add here that I'm feeling pretty clever about this one.) Send them a bill. Fercyinoutloud, YOU know what flowers cost, don't you? The prices are insane, you don't always get what you order and they aren't always that fresh. A large arrangement can run into HUNDREDS of dollars!

You provided a service for that funeral that saved someone a LOT of money. Your sister's ranting that you were somehow "cheap" for doing it yourself only goes to prove that she's an idiot, and it makes her look even MORE foolish than before.

Now. Sit down and put on your thinking cap. Think about how you're a grown-up now (or look just like one). Think about how grown-ups don't generally bend over so someone can hit them. Try hard to figure out why you're willing to take crap from mental defectives. Now go tell them to piss of, talk to the family members you like and forget this whole mess.

Good girl.