SHADDAP! Paddle the Prats Edition!

(Photographs copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)

News! News from the Messy household! Today, we passed our citizenship tests and we're being sworn in as brand-spanking-new U.S. citizens next week! Holy cow! Woo Hoo! That's right, they'll be taking away our Green Cards and letting us get passports instead.

We've lived here for ten years. It took five to get the Green Cards and another five to be allowed to apply for citizenship. We started the process April 1. I expected a wait. Others told me that it would probably be six months or so. But no. Either Canadians (or maybe it's us) are so boring that they just shove us along, or Homeland Security isn't as backed up as we thought. Either way, we're out for dinner tomorrow night to celebrate.

However, our humble accomplishments are as nothing in the face of the dim-witted, weak-minded, cowardly dumb assedness of this week's letters! It's true, all true! And remember, you heard it here/> at Dear Prudie first!

1. Wow. Lady, you've got a problem here, and I don't mean the size of your boobs. How did you manage to get to the age of 30+, have a career, buy a home, raise a daughter and STILL wonder if you should get a boob job so your boyfriend will like you more?

What kind of wimp-ass idiot are you, really?

SHADDAP! You prat!

Ten days of sex only ONCE a day for being a patsy!

All men watch porn. ALL of them. ALL men masturbate. Even if they are getting it twice a day, believe me, they all do it. MOST men like looking at big boobs. I'll give you that this is only a straw poll based the opinion of one guy (The Boy), but I'm willing to take it.

Are you with me here? Men (for the most part) like big boobs. At least to look at. Men are visual creatures.

Now here's the problem, and this is where you should pay attention. MOST WOMEN DO NOT HAVE BIG BOOBS. Haven't you noticed that in your 30+ years on the planet? Better yet, can you not tell the difference between the real and the fake? If not, why not? Fake ones are usually screamingly obvious.

Not only that, natural and unenhanced monstertitties are usually headed downward in a pretty serious way by the time they're your age and especially if the woman has had kids....like you. And that ain't pretty. There's no way you can dress it up to look good when your 36DDDs have become 36 Extra Longs. In fact, you can take it as a given that if you were suddenly to appear with balloon boobs, you would be fooling NO ONE. That is never going to look natural.

So, now think hard. That's right, I want to see steam rising from those little ears of yours..... ready?

If you think for one millisecond that spending several thousand dollars to buy those bogus/phony/fake beach balls that will hurt your back and make you look stupid will change your boyfriend's porn habit, you are dreaming in Technicolor, sugar.

You're already having sex once or twice a DAY according to your letter, so I'd say it's pretty obvious that your boyfriend is not only not regarding your B cups with revulsion (Did you read the part where I said men are visual creatures? Or were the words too big?), he likes them just fine.

He doesn't have a problem. You do. You need to look into why you're such a prat that you would consider major surgery based on the passing remark of a guy who clearly loves you, but was a little embarrassed when you noticed him having a chat with Mr. Happy on his own. Talk to the man, tell him you need to be spanked a little next time, and enjoy all of that extra whoopee you're getting.

2. This is almost as common a letter as the "My boyfriend is perfect but, ..." idiocy of the above letter. Seriously. It seems that there are people all over the place who are incapable of saying "no" to...well, anyone and everyone. You're killing yourself to accommodate people who don't seem to give a damn what you think and for what?

SHADDAP! You sissy!

And fifty cardboard tubes from toilet paper will be tossed at you as punishment for being such a prat!

Egad woman! How have you managed not to get eaten by bears or something by now?

Yes. It's got to be hard for your husband's aging parents not to be as active as they were. You say that for them to travel alone is difficult, and that's fair. But...but... That doesn't mean that you have to haul them along on your every vacation for the rest of their lives!

Oh, fertheluvamike! How did you get started on this spiral? I have no doubt that your husband finds it disturbing when his mother calls every night demanding 100% of your time and attention. No doubt at all. Probably his parents ARE lonely. But have you really LOOKED at their situation lately?

Are these people living on their own? Do they get out at all? Do they have any friends that they see on a regular basis? Are there activities that they participate in? Do they spend all day, every day alone in that house together making each other crazy?

See, a lot of people are wondering if there's Alzheimer's in the offing here. I doubt it, but you might want to make sure your in-laws see a doctor soon. I suspect the REAL problem is that they're desperately lonely, never go out, and that their only contact with the outside world is ... you.

I know that children of aging parents will scream and yell that elderly people need to stay in their homes forever. I also know that many elderly people will be utterly miserable and house-bound and STILL insist that they like it that way. That's not necessarily true. Often ( and I've seen this in action), moving out of their house and into an apartment with other people their age changes everything. Suddenly they have peers again! People to talk to that can understand them!

It can be magical. You and your husband need to talk to his siblings about this. Kick their asses to get their attention if you have to. There will be turmoil, but point out that none of them are around to see their parents deteriorating.

No, you are NOT considering slapping them in a nursing home and abandoning them. You'll be helping them set up an independent life where they don't have to be afraid of isolation, where there will be people around them all the time. Change is good, especially for people as lonely as your in-laws. Many of these places also arrange vacations, too!

Now. Quit being such a wimp and deal with this situation. You don't have to cave to the demands of a lonely old lady all the time. You are not being selfish. What you want is normal. You and your husband DO deserve to take a break on your own sometimes. Stop letting yourself be bullied and deal.

Yeesh. How have you managed to work for all these years? Do I have to tell you how to use the bathroom next?

3. This is painful. Seriously seriously painful. This is yet another example of a grownup acting like a whiny toddler. How do you go on? No, I mean that. How do you manage to get out of bed in the morning if you can't manage to stifle a baby intern when she acts like an asshole?

SHADDAP! Ya big wimp!

No dessert for you for a week!

Ok, I get that you work in some sort of social services setting and that such environments tend to lead one to overshare. It must be the touchy-feelie thing going on with people like you who take these jobs in the first place. I get it. I also get that you're proud that you've gotten your bipolar disorder under control. Congratulations, by the way. It can't have been easy to get where you are.

So what's the problem? Bipolar isn't stupid! Neither are you, or you wouldn't be doing the job you are now. I understand that everyone in your office knows about this, and I think it's admirable that you see yourself as an advocate for people who have your condition.

Given all that, why are you letting some jackass intern with a bachelor's degree push you around like a bully on the playground? In fact, why didn't you shut that silly bitch down the first time she opened her mouth?

You SAY that you and she disagree a lot. She's a know-it-all, she's obnoxious and she's not shy about telling you off. She engages in that cheapest and nastiest of ways to shut you up, too. Diminishing you as a human being by claiming that any protest you make to her assholery is about your mental illness is discriminaton.

SO WHY DO YOU LET HER DO IT?

SHADDAP! Again!

You are supposed to be the adult here. YOU are supposed to be training HER. She only pulls this bullshit because YOU permit it.

Now that you've finally gotten in through your head that you don't want to take her crap, you don't know how to shut her up? Here are a couple of things you can say when she claims you're an idiot because you have an illness:

a) Wow. You argue just like a little girl. Oh right. You ARE a little girl. Shut up, little girl.

b) Are you on the rag?

c) What's the matter, you can't come up with some facts, so you resort to bullshit?

d) There's a soap dispenser in that bathroom. Fill your mouth and swish, bitch.

e) This is a ball peen hammer. Use it on a finger whenever you're tempted to act like a bigot. Or I will.

All of the above will shut her up, if you use them correctly. Only (c) will keep you out of serious trouble if she screams discrimination. The others would be more fun, but I assume you want to keep your job. Of course you also know that you should have come up with that the FIRST time she tried to crap on you, right?

Then... you have to make sure that you never work with her again. I assume you have evaluation forms to hand it. Tell your boss what you told the Internet lady, you silly ass. Here, I'll write it for you:

"X is a nasty, bigoted, ugly-tempered know-it-all who has somehow faked her way in to this job, where we are supposed to be helping others. Her snotty attitude, lack of real knowledge of her subject (because if she DID know her subject, she wouldn't resort to insults) and complete unwillingness to learn lead me to conclude that she has a sterling career ahead of her as a fire-tower ranger or one-man submarine captain. Night watchman at a lead smelting plant is another brilliant career option that would suit her personality to perfection. She should never be in contact with other humans."

Oh, and talk to your boss about her NOW. Duh.

4. Ah families! Gotta love them, right? NOT! This is something I've said for years - you don't have to put up with crap from your family that wouldn't take from a total stranger. You need to have that tattooed somewhere where you'll see it every day. I suggest upside down on your stomach, so when you shave your legs in the shower you can't miss it.

To recap:

Your step-brother died. (Sorry about that, BTW.) Your sister asked you to get flowers. As a former florist and Master Gardener, you made a lovely arrangement with flowers from your garden, which your stepmother loved. Good on you, kid.

But wait! Your sister pitched a fit and called you cheap! Your stepsisters joined in! Oh, the horror! The drama! Whatever shall you do?!?!

SHADDAP!

You are hereby sentenced to leave ONE dandelion in your lawn alive for THE ENTIRE SUMMER. ( I can't think of a worse punishment for a Master Gardener, because I'm one, too.)

Ok. Do you get that you're not the villain here? Has it penetrated your skull that your sister looked like a mentally unbalanced idiot by pitching a fit at the funeral? She's the one that made a complete ass of herself. YOU did what was asked of you, you did it well, and that should be the end of it.

But no. And here's where I have to wonder what the hell is the matter with your family. Not only are these three ladies are calling you and haranguing you about it EVERY DAY, but you are LETTING THEM DO IT! What is that?

There are some very obvious ways to shut this down, you know. You did know that, right? Hmm. Apparently not. Ok. Here goes.

a) Use your call display, dippy! If you see their number, DON'T PICK UP. See? how hard is that? Why are you making yourself available for them to abuse? You know what they're going to say, so don't let them do it.

b) If you are so foolish as to pick up the phone, then before they have a chance to say anything, tell them, "Gee, you must have a really fucking boring life if this is how you entertain yourself." THEN hang up. Repeat as needed.

c) (And let me add here that I'm feeling pretty clever about this one.) Send them a bill. Fercyinoutloud, YOU know what flowers cost, don't you? The prices are insane, you don't always get what you order and they aren't always that fresh. A large arrangement can run into HUNDREDS of dollars!

You provided a service for that funeral that saved someone a LOT of money. Your sister's ranting that you were somehow "cheap" for doing it yourself only goes to prove that she's an idiot, and it makes her look even MORE foolish than before.

Now. Sit down and put on your thinking cap. Think about how you're a grown-up now (or look just like one). Think about how grown-ups don't generally bend over so someone can hit them. Try hard to figure out why you're willing to take crap from mental defectives. Now go tell them to piss of, talk to the family members you like and forget this whole mess.

Good girl.