19 February 2010
(Photograph copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)
Oh, what a week! It's melting! The snow is melting! Woo Hoo! You can't see me, but I'm jumping for joy and doing the happy dance all over the house. I hate, loathe and revile all things winter. Skiing is for chumps. Skating is just a way to hurt yourself on a very hard surface. Blech. Let other people do all that stuff. The Boy has pointed out that every time I crow about good weather it turns nasty, but he can just go....read his paper. It's sunny and clear and almost 40 degrees, and in the City of Wind at this time of year, every day like that is a bonus. So there.
We're also going to the PAWS (Pets Are Worth Saving) shelter to look at kittens. How did we get here? Why are we going for the three cat household? Who knows? Who cares? The sun is out!
To work.... As always, you can find the letters at Dear Prudence .
1. What a mess! I have been where you are, and nothing makes me more uncomfortable and downright angry than someone who seems the think that the world would be a better place if we only "forgave" and "got together" with our miserable, scum-sucking, foul families as if nothing ever happened...like getting pounded on, verbally abused, lied to and so on. I know. I've been there.
You know what it's like to find peace and learn to be happy without even thinking about the hell you went through. You know how hard it was to get there, and you know how hard it's been to stay there. You know that you'll never forget what happened to you - you can only learn to live with it and not let it continue to blight your life. I also know how fragile that peace is when you have someone demanding that you obey them and let the ugly people back into your life.
When people do this to you - and what your sister IS doing to you - makes you feel like second-guessing yourself, as if maybe YOU did something wrong. You feel as if you're being battered by memory. The nightmares come back. Suddenly it feels as if the safe place you've worked so hard to build is in danger. You know that what you did do is not only survive, but make a life and choose a family that makes you happy. You know that this...person... has no idea what she's talking about, but she's STILL causing you all kinds of pain.
You have the right NOT to have to listen to this. You've earned it, you've fought for it, and it's yours. Don't let some stranger hurt you all over again. Also, don't kid yourself. Your "sister" knows how you feel about this and she's STILL demanding that you see that sick bitch of a woman that gave birth to you. Is she that clueless or did the apple not fall far from the tree there?
You wonder what to do? Wonder no more. Tell your "sister" to
and then tell her why. I will demonstrate.
Hey, shithead! What part of "no" are you having trouble with? I DONT want to have anything to do with that waste of skin that gave birth to us. That woman is living proof that psycho-abusive-moronic-sluts-from-hell (sounds like a good movie title...I must remember that) are capable of not ripping the dicks off the creeps they pick up until AFTER she fucks them enough times to get knocked up. Get it yet, kid? No?
I was actually hoping that the next time I ever heard a thing about her was someone telling me she's dead so I can throw a party. Got that? No?
Ok. I can list all of the shitty things she's done to me. And you, even though you don't remember them. Just keep in mind that WE WERE TAKEN AWAY FROM HER, and that there was a reason for that. YOU were lucky enough to get adopted. That's the only difference between us. I can tell you what she did and how. I know that whatever that dried up piece of fermented shit is telling you, she's lying. Did she give you some sob story about how "hard" her life was? Don't listen for a second.
Now, I don't want to hear about this ever again. I want to go about my life and pretend that you never existed, that you never contacted me and that my mother is dead. Because to me, she is dead and has been for a long time. Keep nagging me about her and you'll suffer the same fate. Don't talk to me, don't call me, don't e-mail me - pretend I never existed, too. Just. Go. Away.
Or...we could talk restraining order.
(If that fails....quit the networking site, don't take her phone calls, and if she e-mails, delete the messages without even opening them, and yes...consider a restraining order. You might also consider asking her if her adoptive family was as awful as her biological one. She has to have some reason for hounding you over this.)
2. Awwww! Poor widdle girly-poo! Doesn't know how to play with the grownups, just fuck them. Better go play with your Barbies in the playroom. Whatever are you going to to?
I can't believe you're actually so stupid that you don't know what's going on. Seriously.
So, if you were fucking your husband while he was still married, if you fell for the "my wife doesn't understand me" line of crap, then you deserve whatever you get. I have no sympathy for you. He got a nurse, you got a purse, that's the deal here, sugar. At least you had the brains to get knocked up fast. When you start to wrinkle and he trades you in for another little cookie who falls for the line, at least you'll have child support to get you through.
The women that terrify you so much have seen this happen before, and they probably think you're temporary. They probably ALSO were the ones that had to deal with the ex-wife crying and upset over the slutty bottle blonde your husband was screwing around with. (Oh, you're not a blonde? Well darling, what makes you think you were the only one?) They resent you, they think you're nothing but a boring little piece of meat, and they don't want to bother getting to know you because as I said before, they figure you're only temporary.
Let's say, for the sake of argument, that this is True Love, and that you are genuinely flummoxed as to how to handle being ignored by the grownups... There are some things you need to do:
a) Tell your husband to quit treating you like his fuckpuppet and bragging about your looks. Tell him it's disrespectful and that you expect better from him.
b) Like Prudie says, if you eat at the kiddie table, don't be surprised if you're dismissed as one of the kids. Why should anyone take you seriously if you obviously prefer the company of the nursery to the salon?
c) If you don't have anything to say, then GET something. READ the papers, pay attention to what's going on around you, hell, get a job and talk to grownups EVERY DAY. If all you can do is sit at your husband's side gazing worshipfully up at him and change diapers during your breaks, then you need to get a grip. You don't look interesting in the least.
d) Dress and act like a grownup. I know you claim to dress "modestly", but pay attention. When you have one of these dinner parties, what is everyone else wearing? I'm guessing not jeans and t-shirts. If that's your wardrobe, then you'd better re-think that. Again, if you dress like the help, no one's going to bother with you.
e) Be gracious and polite. Write thank you notes. Thank people for coming over. Be interested in something besides yourself for a change.
f) Take a class, read a book, hang out with other people who ARE grownups, whatever it takes for you to figure out how NOT to act like a socially inept high school student.
Now, this is only a partial list. Also keep in mind that if you DO learn to act like a grownup, you're probably running the risk of your husband divorcing you because he's already been married to an adult and look how that turned out.
Now don't you wish you'd met some nice guy in the graduate school and married him? No? Get back to us when you're 40 and your husband is in a wheelchair after his third heart attack.
3. You're happily married. Check. You have a toddler and a baby on the way. Check. Your family has no serious money problems and the recession isn't affecting you too badly. Check. Your husband is a nice man who served his country and like all people when he was a kid, he did a few stupid things. Check. So did you. Check.
So what? You just HAVE to find something to spazz about? Is Smagboy right and your hormones are turning you into a freak?
YOU don't have the tattoo. Your husband does. He doesn't want to remove it. Fair enough. It's his. On his body, like. It's even on his back, so he can't even SEE the thing unless he really makes an effort. You think it's not PC and you're right. It's not. Prudie's suggestion to consider having an artist change the joint to something else is a good one. Take that to your husband and ASK him what he thinks. That would solve your "problem" right there.
Other than that, have a nice cup of tea, sit down and gestate. When your body is back to normal, THEN start to think about the tattoo. I suspect that it won't seem like such a big deal then. After all, you can always tell your kids that you and their father did some things that were not too bright, but that you grew up and got smarter. Like we all do.
4. You saw the zipper down, committed a niceness and told the lady about it. Good. Keep it up. If I have a tag sticking up or my skirt tucked in to my pantyhose after I come out of the loo, I hope you or someone with your common sense is there.
Tell your husband to:
Also remind him that the next time HE might be the one "flying low" as it were.
04 February 2010
(Photograph copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)
As you can see from the photo, I've been out shooting graffiti again and I hit the mother lode. The Boy and I were in San Francisco and took the BART to the Mission district in search of fabulous ice cream and maple bacon doughnuts (they were out) and were amazed at the murals and artwork in the alleys. The sun was shining and it was 55 degrees and we had a marvelous time.
Now, I have to apologize for some of the images. They may be at a bit of an angle. The truth is that middle-aged Anglo couples are not exactly welcome in that neck of the woods. I guess it's a hint when all the backyard auto shops don't open until midnight, right? In any event, I was walking and shooting and not about to stop to make too many adjustments. You will be seeing more of this stuff as time goes on...
I can't BELIEVE the LWs this week! Why, oh why do people go hunting for trouble? Yeesh. As always, the letters are to be found here .
1. Well, aren't you just SPECIAL! You want to leave your wife and kids for something she did "several years" before she even knew you existed. You really are an asshole, you know that?
Before you married your wife, did you tell her about every smoochie, every date, every relationship, every chance encounter of a cutie in a grocery store, every fantasy, every time you jerked off? No? Gee, I wonder why that is? What?! You didn't keep a log starting at birth so you could go over every detail with her? Oh, it was none of her business?
So why is it that HER previous life is suddenly YOUR business? That was a rhetorical question, idiot. Hang on, the ride has just begun. What's your REAL problem, short stuff? Seriously. You had to know that your wife was no virgin when you met her. At least, you found out in short order, right? Why aren't you obsessing about that? And why now? Another rhetorical question.
SHADDAP, you big sissy-baby-whiny-boy!
Now think hard, asshole, because you're seriously considering destroying your life, your wife's life, your children's lives.... all because YOU feel inadequate. What's the problem you nance, did your brother always have a bigger dick than you? Mommy liked him best? He got the bigger Tinkertoy set when you were six and you've hated him ever since? Still bitter about that wedgie he gave you at the playground when the cute little blond girl was watching? He laughed at you when you were still wetting the bed at 14 years old? What?
You say that your brother "...manipulated many women into bed...", then go on to say that you don't respect them or him. Whatever. How about telling the truth for a change, you toad-brained pile of jealous shit? YOU WERE JEALOUS! I'm right, aren't I? He is socially more adept than you. He's charming, and you aren't. You always thought he was better looking than you, and no one ever contradicted you on that one because you were never....quite....able... to admit that, even to yourself.
So YOU weren't the problem, right? The fact that you only managed to get laid once for his twenty was HIS fault for being "manipulative" and hanging around with (and I know you didn't come out and say it, but...) whores. In your head, you have to be the only perfect person in the world, so you twisted his social life into something awful because you KNEW that you were inferior to him in that area.
(Oh dear Sigmund, where art thou?)
SHADDAP! (I think that's the first triple shaddap)
So...are you trying to say that your brother was a rapist? No? You mean that all those "evil" women went to his bed BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO? Let's face it, none of these ladies had to be dragged kicking and screaming into his arms. He wasn't lurking around street corners grabbing innocent lovelies and hauling them off to his lair. They WANTED to go to bed with him. They LIKED him. They LIKED having sex with him.
That's what's got you going, isn't it? You have always felt like a loser around your brother. Everything in your life has to be "proof" that you're better than he is, just so you can feel superior in your own secret squirrelly way. Has it hit you yet that this was all in your head and that he probably didn't even NOTICE it? The fact that you can blame your wife is just gravy. I bet you feel terrific right now, don't you? And look, just look how many people you get to hurt with your pretend-righteous outrage! You get to blame HIM for destroying your marriage, your children's lives, hurting your parents, and making a general mess out of everything you've built up! You must feel so....so....MANLY.... right now.
Tell me, did your dick get just a little hard when you harangued and argued with the woman you pretended to love until she finally told you what had happened before she even knew you existed? I bet it did. I bet you were working on that head of steam for DAYS before you started bellowing. You probably rehearsed every snotty comment and every facial expression in the mirror for HOURS beforehand. Did you have to run to the bathroom to get off while she cried after you screamed at her? Did the same thing happen when both she AND your brother apologized for something that was none of your bloody business in the first place?
(You have to tell me. Did you tell your wife who YOU were screwing while she was with your brother? Why?)
So now you stand all by yourself in your "righteousness". You get to punish everyone who you've convinced yourself has "wronged" you in your life. I bet you're working on how to blame your parents, too. You'll probably get laid by dozens of ladies who feel SOOOOO sorry for you and the awful things those evil people did....well, not to you anyway.
So here's the revelation, asshole. You are going to destroy the one wonderful thing in your miserable life, and here's how you know that:
Your wife loves you. She didn't want your brother, never considered him anything more than a roll in the hay and probably hadn't given him a thought in YEARS before she met you. When she did realize who your brother was, SHE CHOSE YOU. YOU were the one that she gave her heart to. YOU were the one she went home to at night. YOU were the one she went to for everything that mattered to her. YOU were the one she chose to marry. YOU were the one whose babies she had. YOU were the one that she wanted to be with for the rest of her life. She NEVER cheated on you. She NEVER lied to you. She devoted herself to the family that YOU wanted to build, and she did it with all her heart.
And you want to throw that all away? Why? To prove to your brother that you're "better" in some sick way than he is? To punish HIM for YOUR jealousy? You say that you "felt like the one thing that was not part of his manipulative ways was (your) wife." Well who's crying now, jerkwad? I'll give you a hint. NOT your brother.
Way to go, dude. Have fun with that.
2. Oy, I think when Incognito suggested that one of Prudie's friends is having marriage issues is right. Because this is one of the stupider "dilemmas" that we see here from time to time.
Woman, what have you been drinking? You're happy and you think that's "wrong" somehow?
YEARS ago, when you were first dating your husband with no notion that you might marry the man some day, you canoodled with a co-worker when you were both drunk. You admit that nothing happened. I'm guessing some minor smoochies, maybe some feelies and that's about it. You didn't want to see him again, so you quit your job (clearly the economy was better back then), and that was the end of it. End of story. Or end of story for most NORMAL people.
Oh, I bet I know what's going on. Everyone at work has something to bitch about, some people are getting laid off and you think you deserve to suffer with them, is that right? No? Let's see... Oh, here's another one! You're convinced that being happy is a Bad Thing because you keep having flashbacks to a visit to church when you were four and the minister said that we were all "born to suffer", right?
Do you WANT a divorce? Do you WANT to be a single parent? Do you WANT this kind of drama in your life? Is this letter just your way of making your husband leave you because you want to be on the side of the angels when it all gets to court?
If you want a divorce, then hoist up that Wonderbra and ask for one. The world will not cease to rotate (but it won't be rotating smoothly for YOU any more), and besides, I think your then/boyfriend now/husband sounds like a rigid twit, but that's your problem.
If you're just obsessing because you've been on maternity leave for too long and you're bored, then get your ass back to work and occupy your pointed little brain with trivialities that make you money. If this obsession is about post-partum depression, then get your ass in to see your doctor and take the drugs he gives you. Then get your ass back to work.
Either way, unless you want to punish yourself, your husband and your baby for something that never really happened and that the guy you groped has forgotten about long since,
3. Oh, this is a serious one. Really, really serious. What can I say, other than reiterate what Prudie said and suggest that you get in touch with the National Stroke Association, and get yourself into some treatment. It's not easy to do what you're doing. Get yourself some help.
For the moment, there ARE a few things you can do.
a. First, make sure your husband is TAKING his anti-depressants. If he's not, go back to his doctor and make him explain how they work. Some people insist on viewing them as a "cop-out". They aren't and millions of people are alive today because they work. If he IS taking them and they aren't helping, then he needs to try another one. There are a lot of different drugs. One will almost certainly help.
b. Tell him exactly what you told Prudie about how YOU feel. His physical recovery went well. He is still the man you married. He NEEDS to know that his depression is affecting you, too, and that seeking help is something he needs to do for you as well as himself.
c. Get him in for another evaluation. When we think of strokes, we think of things like paralysis, loss of speech and loss of motor control. Strokes are about BRAIN DAMAGE, though. You need to make sure there's nothing physical that's affecting his mood. I'm told that's not at all uncommon.
d. Take care of yourself. It sounds as if you can leave him for a few hours at a time, so DO IT. Volunteer, go back to work part-time, do SOMETHING so that you aren't having to be in that house all day, every day. If you do that, you'll be better able to cope with him, too.
4. Oh dear. A little naive, are we? My dear, your husband may not be telling you this, or maybe he's never run in to it before (hard to believe), but the car repair business is rife with people ripping other people off. It's probably the most corrupt racket there is, and I speak from experience.
So tell your husband to
for a minute and get selfish.
First, I know the manager SAYS he's doing charitable works when he works your husband like a donkey for no pay. It's a terrific excuse for a rip-off, I have to say. After all, he's only being a good Christian, right? Oh. Except for the part about stealing money out of his employees' pockets...
Believe me, this guy is NOT "giving" away services for free. He IS charging people for that work, but they're paying less than list prices and they're doing it in CASH. You know that money is going directly into his pocket, and you have to know that he's got himself a nice tax-free income going there, right? This creep DESERVES to be fired. He is stealing from his employers, he is stealing from the people that are doing the actual work and he is laughing at all of you...all the way to his next sun-filled vacation.
If your husband keeps speaking to this clown, he's going to get fired. His boss doesn't want anyone around that'll queer his game, so keep in mind that mechanics are a dime a dozen and a lot of them are unemployed right now. Tell your husband to have a chat with the district manager and tell him what's going on. He'll probably keep his job if he does that, but it has to be SOON. If he delays and it comes out that he knew about the theft and did nothing, he could lose a lot more than his job.
Got that? Tattling - good. Getting ripped off - bad. Duh.
Ok, all you Fraysters that pop in for a visit! I want to hear from you. firstname.lastname@example.org is my address. We all know that the Fray is dying - that whole business of "posting to the page" that our dear old censor...er..editor Germy is yattering about is a line of crap. It's just Slate's way of stopping debate and it's WAY easier to delete posts in that format. I've been all but banned because I had the temerity to say that Prudie is occasionally *gasp* wrong about certain things.
Now, they may make more money, but let's face it. It's going to get real boring, real fast.
But I have a solution, friends! Yes indeedy I do! Drop me an e-mail. Tell me what you want to discuss - anything topical and it doesn't have to be on Slate, either. I will write a post about it with the relevant links on my portal page (go to The Fly and click on Aunt Messy down on the right hand side and you'll get there), and we can chatter, debate, argue and wander off-topic to our heart's content.
I have two rules. No personal shit. If you disagree with someone (anyone), you aren't allowed to make it personal. You can say things like "You're full of shit, and here's why..." but you are NOT permitted to say, "You're a shithead and I hate your guts..." I will delete any posts that head into that territory.
The other rule is...don't even THINK about flaming people on my turf. You will be punished. Or at least deleted. And I may say something snotty on the blog even....
Come on, kids, the fun is just beginning!