SHADDAP!

(Photograph copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)

Ok. I'm done with this weather. Seriously. We get a teaser that spring might actually be on the way, then last weekend IT SNOWED! I hate this. After the snow came the rain, and now, just when the sun came up and I was feeling hopeful, it's freezing. I can't take it, I tell ya! It's making me crazy! I actually bought a pot of grocery store tulips today because if I don't see something blooming soon I'm pretty sure I'll go completely mad.

But I rallied. Yes kids, I did. I spent some time wondering why so many people seem to indulge themselves in childish, bitchy bullshit, then I recognized that there was something that this mood is actually good for, reread the letters here and planned my answers.

1. So, aren't you just SPECIAL?! You got a secret, you got a secret... la la la la la la. Wow. This is POWER, right? Granny "lets" a hint of a secret slip and all of a sudden you have the power to destroy potentially three, maybe four people's lives. More, even if your father has siblings. I bet you just can't wait to drop that load of shit on the family!

SHADDAP!

You know because I and a bunch of other people are telling you that most cases of Alzheimer's have NOTHING to do with the gene pool. It's a crap shoot, kid. Just like a whole bunch of other nasty, diseasey things that can happen in life. It might happen and it might not. Your Gran's "secret" is utterly meaningless in terms of anyone's health.

Ooh....but you want permission to tell, don't you? I can practically smell it. This would be perfect, you think....

Yeah, that'll show'em for not taking you to Disneyland for your tenth birthday! And don't forget that time your father wouldn't let you get a pony when you were eight! You'll show THEM what it REALLY felt like when they told you you couldn't go to the "Special Conference" with your Grade 11 Social Studies teacher at that motel on the highway. Yeah. Now they'll know how miserable you were when you were a kid when they deliberately made you suffer.

This whole mess is none of your damned business, kid. Walk away. Walk away quickly. If Grannie insists on telling you, tell her to take it up with your father or shut up. It's a bitchy and childish thing for her to do at this point and you should not be involved in that.

Besides, what difference is it going to make to anyone now? Your father grew up with HIS FATHER. That's the guy that raised him and loved him and gave him the start to his life. NOT some anonymous sperm donor at a big drunken barn dance back in the Stone Age. If you don't understand that, then no amount of ass-kicking from me is going to help you.

2. You married a crazy person. Happens to a lot of people. The old cliche about marrying in haste comes back to bite the ass of (seemingly) zillions of folks. Worse, you don't get to know the extent of the crazy until after the fact.

Your ex is a pip. This business of writing to the neighbors trying to paint your girlfriend as some sort of scarlet woman is the living end. And no, for a lot of reasons the restraining order YOU have against HER can't help your girlfriend, can it?

SHADDAP!

For someone who supposedly cares about your girlfriend, you're being pretty cavalier about her safety, aren't you? I mean, you've involved her (I know you didn't mean to, but still) in the violent life of a bitchy, childish AND crazy person who at one time smashed all the windows in your apartment because she was in a pissy mood.

Get it yet? Your ex doesn't blame YOU for the breakup any more. In her scrambled brain, the blame is now on your girlfriend. Scared yet? You should be. Your girlfriend should bloody well be scared, too. Your ex knows where she LIVES, shithead! At this point, YOUR angst over the whole thing is meaningless, don't you think?

So here you sit, worried about the bullshit non-problem of a crazy woman who told the whole neighborhood you have cooties when what you SHOULD be doing is getting rid of said crazy woman for the sake of the sane lady who you claim to care about! The neighbors aren't holding you in contempt, you idiot! They feel sorry for you! Do you honestly think they didn't know you were married to a nut long before you figured it out? I bet if you bothered to ask one of them, they'd actually give you the note they got. And you SHOULD ask for it, if you haven't already got a copy.

Is this making any sense to you yet? It's not about you any more. It's about your girlfriend. SHE'S the one that needs a restraining order. Take that copy of the letter with you to court and get help for HER stay safe. You should also change her locks and have an alarm system with a panic button installed for her right this instant!

Duh. What a moron you are. A dangerous and crazy (and childish and bitchy) person is targeting your girlfriend in a sick little revenge plot and all you can worry about is what people THINK about it? Deal with the problem and don't be a dolt. You bear some of the responsibility for keeping your girlfriend safe. Right now she is being punished for her involvement with you. Make sure she stops paying.

3. Right. You said....no... Your sister said.... no, thats not it, either. You and your sister.....

There is too much. I will sum up.

You (we'll call you One) got a call from a sister (she's Two) about your OTHER sister (Three) saying that she didn't want Three to stay in her house with a newborn. Unable to make a decision as to HOW you're going to hurt Three's feelings, you write to the internet lady hoping that she'll give you a sure-fire way to make sure that she's alienated with no questions.... Gotcha.

SHADDAP!

No one cares (really) about the why here. If Two doesn't want the kid in her house, then fine. I have to say that it's bitchy, childish and downright nasty to pretend that losing an hour or two of sleep for one freakin' night is going to kill her, but Two does seem to be a childish, nasty bitch, so we'll take that as a given.

So tell me again why YOU feel you have to obey Two and do her dirty work, thus hurting Three? Why is this your problem in the first place? I'm assuming that you get along with both of them most of the time. Have you missed the that Two and Three have loathed each other from earliest youth and put you in the middle all this time? Or are you just too thick to tell them to deal with it themselves? I'm assuming you're all at least chronological adults here.

Tell that childish, bitchy snot Two to send her own nastygrams, then call Three and tell her that you have booked a hotel room for that night and that you will be paying for it. Make sure you actually book the hotel before you make the call, too. Don't bitch about the money, either, you dolt. This is your punishment for acting like a prat in the first place.

4. Just how young are you? Seriously. How do you do your job, hell, how do you brush your teeth in the morning if you can't handle something as simple as answering a couple of questions?

SHADDAP!

In the first instance, when the ladies tell you they're getting old IT IS NOT A TRICK QUESTION. They are not being nasty, they are not being patronizing, they are not trying to make you feel bad. It's called "fishing for a compliment". It's not a very subtle thing to do, but lots do it. The correct answer is, "Nonsense. You look wonderful."

Then SHADDAP and move on with your day. Now was that so hard? No? I promise you'll survive the experience.

Now being asked whether your mother got you your job.... That one usually IS childish, bitchy and barbed. I'll bet that the people asking are wondering either why that didn't work for them or if they can actually get a job for someone else. If you work for the City of Chicago, you know what I mean. It seems that every damned city department is a separate family dynasty. No one works there that isn't related to someone else. It's like Arkansas, only the pay is better.

HOWEVER...if you do NOT live in Chicago, and the only help your mother gave you was to tell you there was an opening at her workplace, then why do you worry about that question? Just grow the hell up, give them a blank stare and walk out of the room. You don't owe anyone an answer to that question.

Duh. Any questions? Think you can handle that?