SHADDAP! Because it isn't just Prudie any more!

(Photograph copyright 2010, all rights reserved)

Right. Let's try this again. My description of my computer travails are in the second comment below, and let me tell you, it was a nightmare. Let us all clap our hands for the nice folks at Apple, who, for a honkin' big fee, spent the time to walk me through this.

Sigh. I AM a bit tired of some of the patronizing attitudes I get, though. I have to tell the little darlings that when they spew out a mouthful of tech, I have NO IDEA what they're saying. I literally need to be told what button to push. I am NOT a computer geek and I don't want to be. Ever. I just want the damned thing to work and obey me when I tell it what to do.

See, Apple has one very interesting quirk. There are NO INSTRUCTIONS. None. There are no troubleshooting guides. There are no lists of shortcuts, and you have to be fucking psychic to know what to do when something goes wrong. All they do have is a blog. You are forced to go to random strangers on the Internet to beg for advice - which may or may not be good. Generally, unless you're a blog-buddy with them already, you don't even get an answer. You have no way of knowing. They may be deliberately screwing with your machine and there's no way to find that out. Period.

Grrr. In any event, if you try and send Apple an e-mail (they do have a suggestion box of sorts), you won't get an answer. I suspect that the "suggestions" never even get read. Must be nice to be a behemoth company with no accountability.

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But that's not why we're here. Slate has a column called Friend or Foe that has me a little bugged. It used to be just on XXX, which I never bothered with because commenting was a pain and let's face it, it was for "chicks", not adult women.

It's a basic agony column, really. The problem (or the fun part) is that it's all about female-only friend-on-friend drama. It's painful to read. The whining, the junior-high antics of supposedly adult women, the - well, it has to be said - bullshit!

So, since Prudie's been so deadly dull recently, I find myself unable to resist this parade of idiots...

1. Ok. You and your friend communicate only by e-mail. Cool. You give a long and tedious exposition about your friend with the bad breakup. Got it. She didn't date because of that for a decade. Ok. THEN you rabbit on for a couple of paragraphs about how she had an unrequited crush on a random handyman and got pissed at you when it when you told her it was stupid (the only smart thing you did, here). Gotcha.

THEN we get to the juicy bit. She is now dating your ex-boyfriend. She doesn't want to talk to you about that relationship.... There is angst....

SHADDAP!

Oh, fertheluvamike, you moron! Quit fucking whining for one second willya? Yeah, I know you SAY you're "happy for them", and maybe you even are. So what's your problem? What? She won't tell you every little thing they do and say when they're together? She asked for privacy?

SHADDAP, again!

Do you REALLY want chapter and verse on her relationship with the guy you used to sleep with? Really? Think hard here. I know it hurts to do that, but give it a shot. For me. What makes you think you have the right to demand that information?

Has it occurred to you that "real" friends don't necessarily tell all, all the time? That maybe there are things that just aren't for public consumption? Did it occur to you for even a millisecond that your ex-boyfriend sees you as a nosy, manipulative bitch with an unhealthy curiosity about HIS life? It's possible that he told your friend that he wants some things to be private, too.

So are you going to dump her for this? After all, how DARE she not tell you about her every zit and bowel movement! Friends don't need boundaries, do they? Moron.

Grow up, and consider this. Maybe she's just sick of YOUR oversharing and she's trying to set an example.

2. Ooh... this one made my teeth ache. Also my neck. Let's just say I had to pour myself a glass of wine and hug a cat to lower my blood pressure enough to deal with this shit.

To summarize. A woman in her late 20s has two friends. One of them used her computer to mess with Facebook. She didn't close it. The LW snooped and found - are you ready? The LW found that her two "good friends" had been swapping nasty private messages about HER! Oh, the agony! Oh, the angst! Let's drop in on this life and death situation, shall we?

Friend One told Friend Two that I have........ Cooties!

(See what I mean? My brain hurts just thinking about it!)

WAAAaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHADDAP!

No, seriously. Shaddap or I'll lock you in a room with no computer for a week and take away your soap operas, too.

Can you hear yourself? Seriously? Because it sounds just like a bunch of elementary school kids fighting with each other, making "frenemies" (whatever the hell that means) and tattling on each other.

How old did you say you were? Late 20s? Don't you have, like, a job to worry about? A boyfriend (yes, or girlfriend)? How do you get through the day? Is Facebook the only thing you do when you get home from work? Is hanging out with these two people your life's work? No?

So what's the problem. You say "...I feel uncomfortable socializing with them." Gee, I wonder why? Could it be because they're....NOT your friends? That maybe their brains stopped developing before puberty?

I'll give you instructions. Follow them for a happy life. Don't follow them and be a miserable, whining, lonely idiot with no social life unless you can convince someone to feel sorry for you and let you serve punch at THEIR social events as long as you don't look prettier than she does. Ready?

a) Don't talk to these people again. Even if one or the other of them protests that they're rilly rilly rilly your, like, bestest friend in the whole wide world and they want you all to move to New York together and become, like, dancers on Broadway, ... why do you want to hang out with a couple of gossiping assholes like this?

b) Make grownup friends. If you want to know whether they're grownups, ask them if they have Facebook accounts. If they say "no", you have met a grownup.

c) Cancel your Facebook account. NOW. Seriously - NOW.

d) If you can't bring yourself to do that (stupid pastime anyway), then unfriend them, don't take their calls and delete their e-mails. How stupid do you have to be to be willing to hang out with people who are that nasty about you?

e) Get laid. Thoroughly and frequently. That should cure your desire to hang out in the vipers' nest for good.

Oh, and lose the guilt. If I had to guess based on the maturity levels of your so-called "small-but-close group of friends", then the silly bitch left her Facebook account open on YOUR computer on purpose because she doesn't have the guts to tell you that she's moving on to other things.

Duh.

3. So? Whaddaya think so far? Are these letters epic stupid or what? Worthy of mockery? Oh, I think so, my friends. I think so. On to the last.....

Your friends are always late. ALWAYS. They have finally gotten on your last nerve because they TOLD YOU that they went shopping on purpose when they were supposed to be at your place already. They arrived almost two hours late and you fed them anyway?

SHADDAP!

What is your major malfunction, dolt? Don't you have enough to get on with - two kids and a job - that you permit yourself to be abused by these two jerks?

(Note: I've said it before and I'll say it again in case anyone gets owly with me. "Jerk" is gender-neutral.)

Ok, here's the thing. You claim that your friend "Ellen" "...loves and respects me."

Riiiiiight. Sure she does. And she shows you this how? Oh yeah. By accepting invitations and not showing up anywhere near on time for them and THEN not apologizing (in any meaningful way) for it? Yup. Sounds like "love and respect" to me. Sure it does.

So tell me. If she hit you with a stick every time she saw you in person, would you still think you have her "love and respect"?

See, this chick doesn't even TRY to accomodate you. She has never once showed up on time for anything, and she doesn't care how that makes you feel. If she did, she'd at least TRY to be on time once in a while. She's just counting on you taking her shit for eternity. That's because she sees you as....ready?... a doormat.

You say that "...(p)art of me doesn't want to continue this friendship..." It's nice to see that at least on some level it's starting to sink in that this so-called "friend" has been wiping her filthy Reeboks on you for the entire time you've known her.

So where do I have to lead you? She abuses your hospitality. She doesn't respect your time or effort. You KNOW that "...this lateness is not going to change or stop...." and THEN you wonder, "Am I being too harsh?"

Hmmm. Seems to be a disconnect there. NO, dippy. You are not being too harsh. Stop inviting them to anything for awhile. I suspect you won't hear from them ever again. If all the effort is only on one side, then you never had a friendship.

Quit being a patsy. Grow the fuck up. Demand respect from everyone around you. Earn it by being respectful. Dump these assholes "friends" and your stress level will literally plummet.

Duh.

Oh, and for those people who are telling you to lie about the time, or not feed them when they finally do show up? Don't bother. You have plenty of precedents proving that these people are a couple of rude...assholes...