SHADDAP!

(Photograph copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)


You know, this week I'm on vacation. I'm finding it hard to muster any snark at all. You'd think that after shamelessly skipping last week, I'd be raring to go, but I have to say that watching the sun set over the Rockies whilst drinking a glass of very nice red wine is really not conducive to letting loose on these moronic LWs in quite the way they deserve......

All right. The guilt is getting to me and these people are really, really FREAKIN' STUPID! Short answers. As always the source material is here .


1. Let me see....you're a single VERY horny 38-year-old man with a cute babysitter that gives every indication that she wants to be your love monkey for the forseeable future...and you aren't sure what to do.

SHADDAP!

and I'LL tell you what SHE wants. Ready? Because it ain't pretty, sonny.

What she sees is a relatively good-looking 38-year-old guy who owns a lovely home, has no money issues and in her eyes (whether it's true or not) is very well off. Ok so far?

She doesn't want hot monkey love as much as she wants....your life. She figures that since your son already likes her and you're showing signs that you want to date again....and she'll do ANYTHING at this point to move right in and be your wife. Not because she's madly in love with you, chump. Not because she feels sorry for you.... Are you ready for this? Because I don't think you are....

See, you are CATNIP for little bibsy titsies that think being taken care of for the rest of her life beats the hell out of working for a living. Good so far? You are her meal ticket. She wants another degree, you silly ass. It's called an Mrs. Has that penetrated your brain yet...no. NOT that brain, dumbass, the one between your ears.

She figures that if she hooks you and manages to get a ring on her finger, the next thing you know, she'll be knocked up and YOU, my lad, will be on the hook for at LEAST 21 years.

Now, if she's a gold digger with a brain, she knows that pumping out a couple of kids with you will help keep you from divorcing her while she rips through your assets in her "kept woman" fantasies and if you get sick of it or see through her in the end, what does she care? She'll be able to make a living on child support for years!

So. Make your decision. You now know what she's REALLY after. Go ahead and indulge. Knock yourself out. Have a blast. Bonk her until you go blind. But if you don't take care of birth control yourself, know for a fact that you'll be a daddy again real soon.

(Some men are such fucking suckers. Honestly how transparent does a chickie-boo have to be before they get it? Yeesh.)


2. See, and this is why I spend a fair amount of time shaking my head and muttering to myself. I don't know how long I'll last with this stuff sometimes. I ask myself, "Self, are people really as stupid as this?"

Then I have to answer myself, "Why yes. Yes, people really are as fucked up, selfish and ugly as all that."

It's sad, and at the same time, I just want to point my finger and laugh, like you're always tempted to do at those kids that have their asses hanging out of their jeans and the gray-haired ladies who dye their hair eggplant purple and wear the color that I like to call "Menopause Mauve". You can't ACTUALLY do that, of course. After all, the kids are probably in some sort of gang and the grannies are probably packing iron.... but you WANT to do that, if you get my meaning.

Sigh. I have to answer, right? You're expecting it and everything... Here goes:

Dear Stupid Silly Messed-Up Bitch,

SHADDAP!

Where do you get off telling people when they're allowed to get pregnant? Did you really think that your MIL WANTED to get pregnant now? Why the hell should she want to have another kid when she's already raised and gotten rid of a set? She should be having fun while her boobs still look good instead of raising another little spud!

But no, she's trying to make the best of the situation and at least TRY to have fun with her little one while she's young enough to be the relaxed parent that she didn't know how to be in her twenties. She has, after all, made her mistakes once and had time to reflect on them. Now she has her chance to do this up right...and she no doubt will.

Then she runs into the selfish, ignorant, idiotic little twat that her son had bad enough taste to marry.

I got news for you, sugar. First, this is your SECOND child. You don't get all the fuss and fun the second time around. Like a shower. You DON'T get a shower with the second kid. Or you shouldn't. No one is going to make a big deal out of the fact that you're pumping out #2. It doesn't work that way.

You don't get to bitch about this. You aren't allowed. Keep this up and not only will your MIL tell you to go to hell and leave her alone, your husband will tell you to stop being a bitch to HIS MOTHER. Face it - she was the first woman in his life, she loves him no matter what, and if he has an ounce of sense, he will tell you to

SHADDAP!

Raise your own spawn, you little snotrag. Leave other people's kids alone. Leave other people alone. No one gives a rat's ass what you think, but if you keep saying it out loud, you could get....single with two kids once your husband figures out (finally) what an unholy, nasty bitch he married.


3. Your friend is working for a company that has her in a country that you don't think is civilized enough. Is that the gist? You want her to stand on YOUR principles and join the ranks of the unemployed, IF she wants to keep you for a friend, that is.

SHADDAP!

Are you planning on paying her bills? Funding her retirement? No? Really?

See, I see another little pathology at work here. According to you, your friend has "sterling credentials". She's probably making an excellent wage, because no one leaves the country to work unless they're well compensated. No doubt she's getting a living allowance and a whole lot of perks (like free trips home a couple of times a year) in return for going off to a faraway place for the sake of her job.

So tell me.... why the hell should she quit HER job to make YOU happy?

Ah. Ok. I see your problem. Jealous, much? You have a fair idea what she's making and you have no hope of ever doing the same, do you? You took Sociology and a whole lot of human rights courses with a minor in "Stick Up The Ass" which means you're virtually unemployable because almost no one wants someone as insufferable as you around for fifteen minutes, let alone eight hours at a time.

Nice. So you get what you consider to be the moral high ground, but she gets the money, and you're getting just old enough to realize how badly you screwed yourself. Is that it?

You might "think her conduct is immoral", but I guarantee if you keep nagging her, she'll think you're what's called in not-so-polite society as a "pain in the ass". Keep it up and you won't get the chance to snub her and show her the error of her ways. SHE'LL dump you like a hot rock for being a self-righteous prig.

Don't worry, though. You'll be able to vent your PC bullshit down at the vegan coffee house, then go home to your uninsulated attic in a Victorian rattletrap house in the wrong part of town for YEARS. While you're being a self-righteous asshole, she'll be planning her retirement in a nice warm climate with her nice husband and her gorgeous house complete with swimming pool. I can guarantee that she won't be thinking of YOU at all.

You can be jealous for the rest of your life though. You have a good start on that already. You have your moral superiority to keep you warm, right?


4. Hm. You have polydactyly. Cool. I bet all the other kids thought that was nifty, especially when you showed them your scars and told them the whole gory tale. Kids are kinda gross that way, aren't they? Ah well. Ya gotta love'em!

SHADDAP!

Kid, it's nice that you're thinking of such things before you marry. Seriously. It shows that you at least know what a thought process is, and that's nice to see, but

SHADDAP! again.

First, if your potential wife loved you, she wouldn't care if you were descended from dinosaur-like aliens and there was a real risk your children could come out with scales and really big teeth. Seriously, it's true.

Second... if your girlfriend doesn't already know about the extra digits, then there is NO WAY you're ready to even consider marriage without dating the poor girl for AT LEAST another year.

Relax. Tell her. Dump her if it creeps her out.

So...why did you have to ask the Internet Lady about this? Don't you have parents?