05 November 2009


(Photograph copyright 2009, all rights reserved)

Now, as a matter of scale, I have posted a picture of Nina the Dippy Kitty, Clutzy Girl that Trips on Her Own Tail, sitting beside the same cushion as Louis was leaning on in the previous photo. Note the size difference. Nina weighs 9 1/2 pounds. Lou weighed 28. 'Nuff said.


All right. I know you all expect me to be late. The truth is, for the first time since March, The Boy and I are taking a whole day and a half off. I'm going to meet him in The City By The Bay for a weekend of many and varied hi-jinks, including dinners at three outstanding restaurants; Bar Tartine, Leiola, and A16. I can't wait! There will be reviews over on One Messy Lady next week.

I leave tomorrow morning, and I'm taking time from my desperate packing (Should I take those gloves with the leather bow on the back?) to write this.

As always, the letters are at Dear Prudie .

Off we go.

1. Congratulations! Its so nice to hear that a teenaged girl is taking her sexual fate into her own hands, as it were, and considering what I think is a very wise purchase. Clearly you aren't going to have any trouble purchasing the vibrator you want, and isn't online shopping grand?

However.... do you really think your mother needs to know about this?


And listen a moment....

I know your mother is a nurse. I know she's probably seen and heard it all. (Disclosure: My mother is also a retired nurse, I STILL managed to give her a shock or two.) The thing is, there are some things about you that she not only doesn't NEED to know, she doesn't really WANT to.

How do I know this? Well... put it this way. Does it ick you out to picture your parents having wild and grubby sex in the park? Does the idea of them rolling around in the leaves, spreading condoms hither and yon, yelling with glee and groaning so the joggers can hear them bother you at all? How about the mental picture of your mother using her OWN battery operated friend? You know it totally creeps you out. That's just somewhere your brain doesn't want to go. Admit it. Well, the mental picture of you sporting with a vibrator (let alone a boy) is enough to send your mother around the bend. It's too much for a parent to process.

She diapered you, kid. Even though you're just about an adult now, some part of your mother will always see you feet up on the changing table covered in shit and gurgling with happiness at the success of that enterprise. There is NO WAY she's going to be able to square that with the notion of you masturbating seven or eight times a night. Trust me on this.

I'm a firm believer in the idea that kids should be able to explore their sexuality on their own before bringing a partner into it. Knowing what you want and need is crucial to good relationships. You seem a sensible sort, and knowing that your mother is a nurse, I know exactly what kind of sex education your mom gave you. Nurses are no-nonsense types that have no patience for the bullshit that a lot of other people do. They aren't going to tippy-toe around this topic. I'm certain if you asked her for birth control right now, she'd ask a bunch of questions AND make sure you had whatever you want or need, and in embarrassingly vast quantities.

This talk you want to have? Not so much. Do some reading. Make your purchase. Have some fun. Relax - this IS supposed to be fun. Parents know you're doing it, they just don't want the specifics, and who can blame them, really?

2. A wedding! Oh joy, oh bliss! And wait, there's more! Stupid demands, rampant insecurity, and a total lack of True Love on your part!


...you silly little bitch, and pay attention.

You don't get to have it both ways. You CLAIM you want to spend "...the rest of my life and have a family with" this man, which is all well and good. You PRETEND that you have no problem with IVF or sperm donation if his little swimmers are nonfunctional. Ok. I get that. So tell me, oh silly jackass - if the above is true, then where you you get off demanding a fertility test from HIM before the wedding?

So tell me, genius, what makes you think YOU'RE Fertile Myrtle? Been knocked up before, have you? Did it ever occur to you that YOU might be the one who can't ever have kids of your own? No? Why? You think that because you're still young that there's no chance of you having any fertility problems, ever? Convinced you'll be able to drop'em like puppies? What are you going to do if it's YOU that can't have kids?

The fact that you'd even consider this question means that you don't love this man. If you did, you wouldn't care if he had one leg, one arm, no teeth and a three-pronged dick. None of that would matter to you if you loved him as much as you claim to. In fact, you'd be shouting from the roof tops that you didn't care one way or the other if you have kids or not, as long as he's there with you.

You can't do that, can you? No, you just want to be a uterus with feet for the next few years, and if you're honest with yourself, you're so convinced that you have the right to be Super Mommy and that their father really doesn't figure in to the equation after the initial contribution. Try this. Put off the wedding for a full year. Quit using all birth control now. If you have a baby BEFORE the wedding, you'll know, right? Not willing to make the sacrifice for "true love"?

You haven't the foggiest notion what it is to love someone, little girl. You are, in fact, a jerk. "Jerk", by the way, is a non-gender specific term for "selfish person who tries to control every aspect of everyone's life around him/her for his/her own convenience no matter who gets hurt".

I'd say you qualify.

3. What a little shit you were! I don't actually blame you for being a little shit as a teen. Just about everyone goes through some sort of little shit stage, even those of us who grew up in intact families of sane people. You took it all a little too far, though, didn't you? I'm sure you'll blame your mother for egging you on, but it's not all her, is it?

I don't know what the fuck was going through your pointed head when you tried to commit physical harm to people who cared about you. I don't know how even a vengeful 14-year-old could even contemplate harming a baby - YOUR SIBLING, in fact. I don't care what a bitter bitch your mother was. The simple fact is that you had no right to do any of this.

I will tell you to


...just like your father has.

Pay attention now, and look at this the way your father did. I'll make it easy for you with simple declarative sentences.

- Your father divorced your crazy/insane mother while he was still young enough to have a life.

- He met a NON crazy/insane woman and fell in love.

- He felt guilty about leaving you and tried to keep your crazy/insane mother from destroying your life because you were too young to defend yourself from her.

- He's your father, he loved you, and he wanted you with him so he took you into his home, with his wife and your baby sibling, thinking to make your life easier.

- He tried to help you in any way he could think of, and you spit on his every effort.

So how did you return his love? You committed assault. You verbally abused him AND the woman he loves. You tried to harm his child, an innocent baby who did NOTHING to harm you. He still tried to reach out, and you threatened to lie and make a criminal of him for no better reason than you were a selfish, ungrateful bitch.

You gave him no choice. You backed him into a corner, no doubt trying to force him to choose between his new family and you, and YOU LOST. You know what? Your youth is no excuse. I know that there are a lot of things that maybe could or should have been done, but in the end you CHOSE this course, and you lost. There are no do-overs for stuff like this.

So now what? You apologize and that's supposed to make it all go away? How do you think that works? Do you sincerely believe that one apology is going to make all the ugliness that you created go away and you can make nice again? Sorry. It doesn't work that way. I know a lot of people are telling you to persist - they seem to think that family is family, no matter how shitty people treat each other. They're wrong.

Your father has every right and some very good reasons for keeping you away from his family. You tried to destroy him, his wife, his kids, everything he earned and for what? Because like a million other kids, your parents got a divorce?

He doesn't HAVE to do anything. He doesn't HAVE to respond to your e-mails or letters. He doesn't HAVE to love you. You've proven yourself to be unloveable. He doesn't HAVE to accept your apologies. What you did is so ugly that in his mind, there is no forgiveness for you. He doesn't HAVE to even listen to you. Everything you say probably sounds like an excuse to him, a way to worm your way into his life so you can hurt him again. You put his family at risk to the point where he was frightened enough to send you away. Why should he take that chance with you again, when he has a wife and family who love him, respect him and depend on him?

Listen to your uncle and your cousins. They know your father better than you ever will, and for some reason that you won't disclose, they are still frightened that you might harm him. They were the ones that had to be there when you played your ugly little games, they were around to help him heal from the damage you inflicted, and they will defend HIM. YOU don't count for them any more. Feel free to sent THEM updates about your life. They may or may not pass them on to your father.

In the meantime, only you know how much you've changed. If your father wants to find out if you became a human when you became an adult, then HE'S the one that will contact you. That is his right. You do not have the right to force this on him, and you don't have the right to claim that he's "hurting" you when all he's doing is keeping his family safe.

4. Oh, aren't you just Miss Prissy-Pants Perfect! Why I bet everyone loves you and everyone wants to be just like you! Why I bet that you are single handedly going to bring back the spiral perm and the disco ball! Aren't you just the specialist, darlingest, darling that ever walked the planet. Of COURSE you should be ruling the world, one toilet seat at a time!


I don't know just how crucial you are to your business, but you aren't likely to be there long, given the time and energy you spend on such work- related industriousness as toilet seats and other peoples' socks. I'm sure your boss was thrilled to know how you spend your time on the company's dime.

I also don't have much sympathy for you as far as your co-worker is concerned. After all, you waltzed in, pretended you were doing him a big favor just by being born, and proceeded to hound the poor man about every little thing he does! And don't try to pretend you're the "wronged" one just because of the state of the loo. With your attitude, it's no wonder the guy hates you. In his postition ANYONE would be making that special effort just to piss you off some more.

You may or may be hot shit when it comes to your job. That doesn't matter one way or the other. When you behave like a bitch, harass your co-workers and run whining to the boss every time something happens that you don't like, all you're proving is that you aren't worth having around.

Don't be surprised if the boss decides you're a liability in the near future. Perhaps in this economy you should be making an effort to fit in with and not piss off your co-workers.


Pooham - I did see that photo you sent of your kitty, and he is not just cute, he is stinkin' cute. I'm a fan of cats with oddball markings, and his black dots are wonderful. There's something of a "type" for white cats with yellow eyes, isn't there? Miss Ella is gorgeous, but there are a lot of cats with her general appearance. Let's not tell them, though. Best to let them think they're the best, right?


  1. Excellent, as usual, Messy. Though as I have said in the other place, I don't think this is something she should fear speaking of with her mother. Of course, that's based on my own thought process and how I would be willing and able to handle such a discussion if it came my way.

    That, and the fact that I've got enough of a bad taste in my mouth from my own "you can talk to me about anything" upbringing, that included "here's a book, tell me if you have any questions"..."Oh, come in here right now *shuts door, which usually only happened if someone was in real trouble*...you may be coming close to your first period...there's stuff under the sink...let me know if you need help. Don't mention it to your father/brothers."..."no you may not use tampons. you won't be a virgin then. I don't care what your doctor says." .... "Oh, well, I guess...here's some tampons, the doctor said you will still have a hymen."....
    You get the idea.

    I am not a fan of not being ready to be open about things that kids have questions about. Maybe not "your father and I just LOVE doggie style, and we get it on 12 times a week" open, but "ok, if you think you want a vibrator, what information can I give you to help you make the best choice for your first one, honey? Or do you just want my debit card and some privacy with the computer?"

  2. Excellently said, as always Messy. My favorite is this: Don't be surprised if the boss decides you're a liability in the near future. Matter of fact, I bet the boss has already made that decision and is just looking for a reason to drop Little Ms. Perfect Pants.

    I agree with Libby that it's a conversation that *could* be had (and as a dad, one that I would be perfectly willing to have if approached by my kiddo), but, too, as you've pointed out, it's not one that's particularly necessary as she'll now once she puts Part A to Piece B. ;-)

  3. What a hella bunch of letters this week.

    LW1 - Always grateful about never having had The Urge. It seems to cause a lot of turmail for people. Never had it, never will. So I have no perspective on if it's a good or bad thing to bring it up with her mom.

    LW2 - obsessed people make me ill. I don't care what they're obsessed about, either. And good call on the "what if YOU'VE got the busted incubator??" bit. Maybe she's hoping for her own TLC show?

    LW3 - I hope her father never has to see her again. I'm not convinced that someone who was a vessel of pure evil isn't still carrying some of it around. I look forward to her "I'm married to the most wonderfulest, awsomest guy in the world, but...!" letter, mmm, say, a year from now.

    LW4 - what the fuck is wrong with some chicks? Will toilet seats ever NOT matter to them? I live *alone* and still lower both lids before the flush. It keeps the misty goodness from spraying invisibly about the room. And no matter which gender uses it, the seat has to go up first!

    Thinking I was awesome and untouchable at my first decent-paying job here in Mass. was partly what got me laid off. Big lesson learned. If the same happens to her, I hope it's enough to shock some sense and wisdom (and humility!!) into her. These days I'm hardly immune from layoffs, but good relationships can carry a lot of weight in the workplace!

  4. I know way more about my kids sex lives then I ever care to, but that could be payback for them having to grow up in a household where mom & dad were not afraid to talk about it. & Live in a house with thin walls.

  5. Guys - the LW kid is pretty odd, all things considered. WE may be willing to talk about that stuff, because we're of a generation that doesn't freak at things like that, but almost NO KID is going to want to have "that" conversation with a parent.

    Most kids would rather paint their asses blue and pretend they're baboons than have that talk with a parent! At 16, they don't know yet that they can't actually DIE from mortification!

    Nope, I'm there for the Cool Niece and probably more likely to keep my cool than her mother is, but I don't expect her to be asking me for help to get a vibrator. On second thought, her mother would probably go to the store for her....

    People are taking it too easy on LW 3, I think. Yes, she was only 14 when the worst of things happened, and that truly is kid territory. Still, I think she presented a threat level that cannot be dismissed. I can't get past the idea that she thinks she deserves some kind of forgiveness not because she didn't mean it at the time, but because she can sneak it in years later and not feel so bad about herself...

    Call me crazy.

  6. Oh and Smag? I'm diggin' the yellow submarine!

  7. If I had thought there was any possibility that my mom could've handled the conversation without telling me I'd go to hell for wanting a vibrator, or that by having a vibrator I'd wind up with out of wedlock kids, I would have been happy to have the conversation with her at that age. But I've always been an odd duck.

  8. That's it until Tuesday, kids! I'm off for a long weekend.

    Have a grand time, all of you.

  9. Enjoy your weekend! And I LOVE your throw pillow fabric!

  10. Messy, I am SO onboard with your thoughts about Lunatic Fringe and her long lost daddy! That kid needs some serious help.

    Hope you have a great trip!!

  11. I love the way I hear the nuances in the SHADDAP! in my mind's voice.

  12. Haven't we learned anything this week, kids? It's just called "THE CITY"!! Who doesn't know that?! Sheesh.

    Perfect time of year for those gloves, Lady. You should have clear weather but SF can be kind of damp. It's going to feel weird having you so close. The hairs on the back of my neck are already starting to quiver. Have a great time, eat, drink, and be merry yada yada. I anxiously await the reviews. ;)

    My mom is probably the only person I ever saw use a vibrator to actually massage her neck with. She'd sit in front of the tv at night, oblivious and defensive. She was like "Well, I know you CAN... but that's DISGUSTING!"

  13. Messy, I hope you had a great weekend.
    As usual your advice is good common sense and wit.

    I particularly like "At 16, they don't know yet that they can't actually DIE from mortification!" That certainly explains a lot about my kids' attitude at that age...

  14. Mermaid, the story about your mother and her vibrator on her neck is hillarious!

  15. What is with that stupid woman who tried to harm her stepmother and stepbrother? Does she have trouble understanding why dad is afraid of her?

  16. Afraid? I don't know about afraid at this point, but you're right, it's one of those "Duh-Hyuck" type questions.

    I understand that adults and teenagers are not the same. I understand that teenagers do stupid, dangerous things (like go joy-riding in Dad's car, or blow up the lawnmower), but they outgrow that stuff.

    However - the LW went WAY beyond anything that could be considered "teen hi-jinks" and into the neighborhood of "do that next year and you're doing time, ya little shit". She doesn't appear to get just how threatening she was. Her father simply couldn't risk having her around, so he did the only thing he could and that's take care of the people he COULD take care of and let her go.

    That's a normal response, too. I have no doubt at all that the LW has changed a lot over the last 13 years. I also have no doubt that her father has no intention of letting her anywhere near his wife or kid(s) ever again. I have to agree with him.

    Couple her insanity with the fact that her mother was/is also insane (and according to the LW, if you believe that sort of thing) and abusive AND that she spent time in a mental ward?

    No way. If she doesn't get it, that's just too bad.