SHADDAP!

(Photograph copyright 2009, all rights reserved)

I'm late! This is no surprise to many of you. The fact is that I don't generally get time to post something this long until Sunday or Monday. Of course, this week I also have The Cold From Hell, so my brain just isn't working the way it should. My nose is clogged up right down to my elbows and that's AFTER I took all the cold drugs. It's a sad and sorry thing, kids. The Boy was a couple of days ahead of me on this, so he feels fine now. That is so not fair.

Naturally, my patience goes flinging out the window when I'm sick. How DARE people whine when MY head is about to explode!


1. Oh my goodness! You had the undergrad fantasy, didn't you? You got to screw the hunky professor, pick up a few tips in the bedroom and swan off to try them out on other unsuspecting undergrads with no hard feelings. The professor still likes you enough to (as you say) be your advisor years later in graduate school. It's a win-win all the way around, both of you are content and successful....

You couldn't leave it at that, could you? No, you little ninny, you just don't have enough drama in your life, you have to make some. Is it because you suddenly have an appropriate boyfriend and you're bored? What? All your instincts are screaming at you to fuck up your life and do it now!

As always, if you want this to make sense, you have to read the original letters at http://slate.com/id/2232269/

SHADDAP!

You'd think that someone in your position would actually USE that brain you're so proud of, but no. No, you have to make trouble when there is none to be had.

So what? You busted out a move to make any man scream with pleasure and want to die in your - um -arms. Ok so far. That's what you SHOULD be doing now. He asked you (probably in jest) where you picked THAT up, not really expecting an answer (because, trust me here, HE DOESN'T WANT TO KNOW) and you said...duh...nowhere...like a goddamned 8-year-old with a pocket of pilfered candy.

NOW you feel what? Like you were "unfaithful" five years ago when you hadn't even met him? Really? You think you "lied" to the guy because you didn't give him chapter and verse on every smooch and yearning look you've ever exchanged with another human being for your entire life? What about that kiss on the cheek you gave Billy in kindergarten? Or the time you and little Sam played "doctor" in the tool shed in second grade? Does he have the right to know that, too? Are you going to give him your masturbation diary so he'll know about every little twinge below the belt you've ever had? Really?

Help me out here. You "love" your boyfriend of one year enough to engage the golden twat, but expect him to think that you had no contact with a member of the opposite sex for what....six, seven YEARS after high school? Do you really think he's that stupid? If he told you that there was "no one" for him in six years, would you believe that shit? Are you that stupid?

See, grownups have sex. Often with several partners before they meet "the one". That's NORMAL. It's ORDINARY. It's even EXPECTED. So please tell me what you think you did "wrong"? Oh, would that be nothing?

Answer me this, too. Do you REALLY want to know your boyfriend's every single sexual move and thought from HIS whole life? I'll give you a hint. If you do want that, you are in serious need of some counseling and probably some anti-psychotic drugs. Because it's none of your business. It didn't involve you, it's far in the past, and if he's with you it's because that's where he wants to be.

So you're willing to give up your career (a little over-dramatic, to be honest) destroy your professor's life (or maybe you WANT to punish him) and "lose" your boyfriend for what? A meaningless confession that has no impact on anything you've done or will ever do? Moron. If your "beloved" boyfriend claims he "needs" to know this, then I have to ask why you're with such an asshole in the first place. It is none of his business.

Don't let me stop you from fucking up your relationship, though. Really. Of course, when normal people need drama, they generally go to a movie. Or read a book. Or masturbate. Or something OTHER than run their mouths for no good reason....


2. My mommy says that your mommy is a big meany and I'm not allowed to play with you any more because my friend said that you have cooties, but I know you're the one with the cooties and you eat your boogers!

Does any of this seem familiar to you? No? Try again. Think hard now, you'll get it eventually. Ok. I'll use a plank to pound the lesson home. But first you have to

SHADDAP!

Did you re-read that letter before you sent it off to Prudence? Did you? No? Seriously, do you really understand just how stupid that sounds?

Ok. I'll lay it out for you.

a. Your two-year-old calls his/her maternal grandmother Nana. This is the mother of your wife.

b. HER brother doesn't like that because HIS two-year-old calls HIS maternal grandmother Nana, too. This is the brother's wife's mother. NOT the same grannie.

c. HER brother thinks that HIS kid should call his PATERNAL grandmother "Grandma" and he'd like you to force YOUR kid to call the same woman the same name.

Clear as mud. And dumb as a bucket of rocks.

First of all, why are you in this? It's your wife's brother that's acting like an idiot. When he called, you should have told your wife that her brother was acting like an idiot and asked HER to deal with it. You didn't grow up with them, after all. Let them fight it out. They're far better at that than you could ever be.

That aside, you gave your BIL and his wife the sensible answer and told them that no two-year-old is going to get that straight in the first place, but at least the KIDS know who they're talking about. Even if they're in a playpen together, they'll figure it out on their own, with no adult interference. Ok. So leave it alone - and you did.

They didn't leave it at that. This is because they're a couple of morons. You know that too, right? They're idiots who know nothing about little children. You can tell them I said that, too. After all, they'll never find me. It's ok.

It takes TWO parties to make a fuss like this. You told them what you think, your wife concurs - so let that be the end of it. Duh. So they phone you and yell. So? So what? HANG UP. Tell them you aren't going to talk about it any more. If they bring it up in company, say that and leave. YES, IT'S THAT EASY. Just don't engage.

It's all right. This will blow over, then they'll be bitching at you because your kid has cooler sneakers than their kid and you should throw them in the garbage so their (by now royally screwed up kid) will feel better.

Yeesh.


3. A divorce letter! Better, an embittered stepmother letter! It's been awhile. I have to savor this for a minute. Hmmm. Yup. It's just as stupid as ALL of the evil stepfamily letters.

I'm confused though. You don't have a dog in this fight. It's your boyfriend's family here. Oh, all right. He asked you what to do, so ok. Now,

SHADDAP!

and pay attention. This is for your boyfriend, not you.

Your stepmother is behaving like a bitch, your little brother is concerned he'll get shafted in the educational stakes (not an unreasonable concern), and besides, none of you like the woman in the first place because she's fucking Daddy and probably was before the divorce (that part is, to quote Ann Landers, nunuvyerbizness). Gotcha. It makes a twisted sort of sense, even.

Stop and think, though. Why would you confront her? It's not like SHE has a dog in this fight, either! This is between your father and your brother. She can think whatever she wants, but it's not her place to stick her nose into something that was established long before she came on the scene.

So this is what you do. TALK TO YOUR FATHER. Go with your little brother and in a CALM AND STEADY MANNER, tell him what was said and ask if there's going to be a problem with this. 17-year-old kids still have a tendency to get overly emotional and shout a lot and that's not what this situation calls for. All you need to know is what YOUR FATHER intends to do when your brother goes to college.

BEWARE. You may NOT get between your father and his wife. You do NOT get to rant about what a bitch she is, you do NOT get to scream that she's a slut, you do NOT get to rail against the marriage, you do NOT get to rant about how it was so unfair and how your mother will never recover. NO. If you do that, you will lose your father. Got that? HE will stay loyal to the woman he married, not to you. Yeah, it's not fair. Suck it up.


4. Oh bridesmaids! I am SO glad I dodged that bullet. It was easy for me, I left town before any of my friends started to get married. I never had to deal with the ugly dresses, the ghastly hairdos, the ridiculous expenses, getting drunk with strangers at stupid parties.... Did you get that I'm feeling a little smug about this? Oh, you should my friends, you should. I would rather scoop out my own lungs with a grapefruit spoon that go through any of that shit.

Ok, ok, get on to it, Messy, you've gloated enough.

So you agreed to an out of town wedding, spent too much money on the shower, spent too much money on the gift - are we talking in the hundreds of dollars yet? Yes? Ok, then you find out after the fact that the "bachelorette" party that you didn't even want to go to cost less than you actually paid...by sixty bucks.

SHADDAP!

Really? After all that, you want your sixty dollars back? Are you serious? Why? Why on earth would you compound this whole miserable experience by choosing to get into a fight about money with a bunch of women that you will never see again? Again, I have to say is your life THAT boring that you have to make drama over sixty fucking dollars?

See, I'm having trouble giving you any sympathy. This entire mess is YOUR FAULT. Stop, and listen, twit! Throughout all of this kerfuffle, running around, spending money - you said nothing. You say that you're knocked up and broke, but you NEVER ONCE told the bride (who you claim is a friend) that you just couldn't do it.

Now think hard. What did you think would have happened if you just said no when the bride asked you to do this stuff? She'd never speak to you again? She'd tell all her friends you're a meanie? If so, why would you want someone that shallow and silly in your life in the first place? Did it ever cross your mind to call her up and say, "Honey, I love you and I'd LOVE to do these things for you, but I just can't manage it right now."

No? If you had done this when the bride first asked for your help, she could have gotten someone else to do it, you could have gone to the wedding as a guest and had a lovely time, and all would have been well. It's just not that big a deal!

So what's your plan now? Talk to the bride? That's good. After a lovely wedding you can tell her that her friends are a bunch of assholes. I'm sure she'd LOVE to hear that. You could talk to them, I guess, but in their position I would tell them to show you the door. You volunteered for this, after all.

No, this is the time to SHADDAP, chalk it up to experience and move on. You have bigger things to worry about now. Deal with it.