14 July 2011

SHADDAP! Cry Me A River Edition.

(Photograph copyright 2011, all rights reserved.)

Meet Nini (pronounced knee-knee). She is almost three years old and has the most stress-free life of anyone I know. In this photo, she is sun-worshipping. Her technique is to lie in the direct sun until you'd swear she's going to catch fire,  then she gets up, has a stretch and a drink and heads for a shady spot. Once she's cooled off a bit, she's back in the sun. This will go on for as long as the sun is coming in that doorway and since it faces South, that's pretty much all day.

She knows she's adorable and that humans are suckers who will give her treats and belly rubs whenever she asks. She also knows she's the boss of the house. When asked what she actually DOES and if someone suggests that she should catch some vermin and earn her keep, her answer is, "What? Mice? In MY house? See any? My job is done."

Sigh. Looks like a nice life, doesn't it?

Too bad humans have to go hunting for trouble, isn't it? Wouldn't it be nice if humans could just take a few minutes and lie in the sun on a nice rug? But no. And today's LWs are living proof... find the letters here: http://www.slate.com/id/2299167

1. So, to summarize, in your tender teen years you dated a guy who later went on to become Famous Rock Star Guy and you're still bitter about it because he dumped you and said you weren't cool enough for him. He phrased it badly because he was a kid in the throes of the teenaged stupids, but it could have been a lot worse.

Now you've added a lot of crap about how he knocked you up and you didn't tell him, lost the baby, didn't go to college for awhile, yadda yadda yadda, and you were traumatized, your life is over, he done you wrong, woe is little old you, and so on. Never mind the fact that he had nothing to do with your choice not to go to school, get some counseling if you needed it  and move on with your life.

In fact, your entire life seems to be centered around something that you had no control over and that the poor bastard who dumped you didn't do! Tell Messy now. Did you keep one of his old sweatshirts, constantly soaked with your tears? Is his old cell phone number still on your speed dial, seven years later?

NOW, you want petty revenge in the form of cash for pictures of him nekkid that you thought were long since gone.


You silly bitch.

You have a problem all right, but HE has nothing to do with it. I can just see you spending all your time listening to his music, sobbing your eyes out, telling everyone how evil he was to you, how you coulda been his Linda or his Yoko or whatever...

SHADDAP! again.

What a load of shit. Get over yourself, sugar.

See, this guy never knew you were pregnant - that's if you really were and didn't insert that bit for the sake of the drama. Even if he did, you're dreaming in Technicolor if you think for one instant that he would still be with you if you had the baby. He may have said he dumped you because of the coolness factor, but face it, this was HIGH SCHOOL. Virtually NO ONE stays with their high school sweetie for eternity.

Your rock star ex knows you better than you think. He knows all about your perpetual attention-seeking drama. He knows you've been wallowing in the "I knew him when" nonsense that you clearly think gives you some sort of sick status. Why do you think he dumped you in the first place, dippy? He fears quite justly that you'll try to screw him over out of spite. He's right, too, isn't he? That's your plan, after all.

He dumped you for a lot of very good reasons and they're all plain to see in this letter. Now he just wants  to let the party and the sound rock on without having to deal with some whiny, obsessed, ancient history ex. I can't blame him for that in the least. He's right.

Prudie's right. If you own copyright to those photos, sell them to his agent. I won't tell you to just delete them and make them go away for all time, because that would be the classy thing to do and I know that's utterly alien to you.

2. Well, aren't you a piece of work? To summarize again... for, what 15 years(?), your wife has taken a vacation to Florida alone. She did this long before you knew her and she let you know up front that she has no intention of stopping that tradition.

So what the hell is your problem? You want to be invited? Why? She told you repeatedly that this is her time to be alone and decompress, this is not news to you. She did it before she knew you, while she was dating you, and has continued. This is nothing new.


What an asshole! Why would you assume that she's screwing around at this late date? Are you projecting? Would YOU like to screw around? Do you demand to know who was at the grocery store when she was there? Do you accuse her of screwing the postman, the UPS guy and the kid that mows the lawn? Are you that obsessive?

Get over yourself, jerk. This woman never once lied to you. She told you what she was doing, where she was going, and that this is a tradition that she intends to keep. Everything has been perfectly transparent all along. You have no reason to suspect her of doing anything untoward, you're just being nosy. I disagree with Prudie. She doesn't "owe" you an "explanation" for what she does. You already know.

See, even married people need time alone. Getting married, for normal people, means that two people agree to share their lives. This does NOT mean that they're obliged never to be out of body contact until they die, you moron. You and your wife are married, but you are also individuals. If she needs this trip once a year, then she should go. It's not like she never goes anywhere with you. You admit that you take vacations together all the time.

One week out of 52 is a small price to pay for marital harmony. But you aren't interested in marital harmony. No, your only interest is to brand her as yours and never let her out of your sight.

Go ahead. Kick and scream and whine about not being invited. Tell her your suspicions. Act like a spoiled toddler. Better yet, go into creepy stalker mode and follow her when she leaves. Show her what a jealous, obnoxious child she married. THAT will show her!

Be prepared, though. If you keep up acting like you are now, I predict that within a year you won't have to worry about her going somewhere without you. You'll either be too occupied with wondering if Boobsie911 is ever going to "like" you on that dating service or building a cage in the basement for the next woman you get on the hook.


3. Wow. So the Casey Anthony verdict pissed you off a little, eh? I never would have guessed. You even go so far as to say, "I wish someone would throw acid in her face and gouge out her eyes."


I don't even know where to start with this. Ok.

First, you flaming moron, you must have a pretty easy life if you have so much time to obsess over a case that is OVER. Done. Finished. In fact, the woman was found not guilty of murder, but guilty of lying to the police. You don't have all of the facts. You don't know exactly what went on. You never will know these things. No one will. That's the way it goes sometimes. Deal.

It's the threat you made that makes me wonder, though. Why are you obsessing so much over this particular case? As public as this trial was, the charges are nothing new. Parents kill their kids every day. I have no doubt that thousands of kids go missing every year and there are many, many little corpses littering obscure wilderness areas.

In fact, the detail involved in your fantasy suggests that you are a far sicker puppy than Ms. Anthony is. You sound like you're on the brink of a psychotic break. Do you work? Have you ever made these types of threats to anyone else? Have you ever been involuntarily committed to a mental institution? Because you should be.

Prudie suggests that you volunteer somewhere. I suggest that you volunteer to check yourself into a happy place with trees and flowers and chirping birds, and basket weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes.... before they come to take you away.

4. Talk about borrowing trouble! So your sister sends her kid's photo to cute baby sites, hoping to win prizes. It pisses you off.


First, you can quit pretending that you're somehow trying to protect this kid from some sort of vague exploitation. If you weren't a complete idiot, you'd realize that this kid is a BABY. Photos of gurgling babies are cute and unlikely to come back and "haunt" them. Except that people might one day tell him what a cute baby he was.

Your sister enters these contests because of the potential for swag. These contests are usually held by companies that  give away things like diapers, clothing, strollers, etc. as prizes for the number of votes the kid gets. Be proud of her for her sense of thrift.

As for your REAL problem, the constant e-mails, so the heck what? Delete them. Duh.

Then get over yourself. You don't get to dictate what your sister does with pictures of her little drooler. If that baby's parents don't have a problem with it, that's just the way it is. As Ann Landers would say, it's a "nunuvyerbizness" situation.


Gee whiz, are people really so bored with their lives that they have nothing better to do than stick their noses into other peoples business? Are their lives so easy that they have the time and energy to obsess over something that should have been forgotten years ago?

Sigh. Oh well. I'm off to wallow in the sun. So there. Nini has the right idea - smart kitty.


  1. It was the best I could come up with - and so appropriate for the LW.