SHADDAP! Your "Dumb" is Hurting My Ears!

(Photographs copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)

I have to say, this entire week has put me into exactly the right mood to deliver well-deserved SHADDAPs! to the letter writers this week. Monday and Tuesday I had jury duty - a guy who was in a fairly serious fender-bender with a city vehicle decided TWO YEARS LATER that he needs major bucks for pain and suffering, even though he admits nothing ever hurt that badly and he was fine within weeks after the accident. He lost. 

This morning, after a full week of mind-blowing, tree-knocking-down, roof-destroying winds, the temperature was in the low forties when I got up and we're supposed to have frost tonight. I am not ready for frost. Some would say that I'm NEVER ready for frost, but I don't care. It's not even Halloween yet, and that  makes it too early for things to freeze. On the up side, I do get to wear my cool new boots. Still.....

So we're off. The original letters are here .

1. WOE, OH WOE! HOW EVER SHALL WE GO ON? BOO HOO..... WAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! 

SHADDAP!

To recap...... You and your girlfriend stayed with her Jesus-freaky genitals-are-for-peeing-only-until-you're-married parents' vacation home one weekend. Neither of you were thrilled to be put in separate rooms, so you sneaked out into the back yard to do the wild thing in the middle of the night when the rest of the world was supposed to be asleep........ and they weren't. Or at least Grannie wasn't. Asleep that is. 

NOW...the world is about to end. What you thought might be a stupid stunt proved to be a stupid stunt after all. Hmmm. Never second-guess your stupid meter again, ok? Just because you and your girlfriend couldn't wait until Sunday night to get all crotchy with each other, Grannie might go into a home! Woe, indeed! 

SHADDAP AGAIN!

Now, I have to wonder a little bit about Grannie. You SAY that everyone knows she's "a bit senile". Maybe she is. The fact that she's obsessing about it a week (or weeks) later is a pretty good indicator that the old marbles are rolling in more empty space than they used to. I can guarantee there's not much wrong with her eyesight if she saw the two of you frolicking in the dark! Then again, she didn't recognize either of you.....

There are two things that BOTH of you horny little fuckbunnies can do here. First, you can tell all, take the lecture about how you're both going to Hell for fornication and let her parents force your girlfriend (who started this whole sleigh ride in the first place) to wear stainless steel panties and stay locked in their basement until she dies of old age. I guess it's the "noble" thing to do, right? Judging by your letter, it's punishment that you're after, right?

OR..... and this is going to get me in trouble, you can say nothing. Let Grannie call the cops. They'll laugh themselves silly and tell her that IF she saw someone (remember, you're silent through this, twit), there is no way they're going to waste their time looking for two consenting adults who were "doing what comes naturally" weeks ago. 

THEN .... the family will take this as the sign that they've clearly been hunting for for ages and use it as a convenient excuse to put the old bird into a senior's apartment where, if you believe what you read, she'll be having the best sex of her life within fifteen minutes of her arrival. Oh, those horny seniors! Remember the massive "scandal" about the STD transmissions in nursing homes? They're going to have to give the old girl some condoms when she moves in! 

Hmm. Keeping quiet is looking better and better, isn't it? You might as well relax, then. The old girl was on a one-way trip to the Grannie Hut anyway.... all you did was provide a handy-dandy excuse for her kids to shuffle her in that direction.

2. WAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! BOO HOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *Sob* *gulp*  WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!!!! THAT BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!! MY LIFE IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHADDAP!

Oh baruther! Do you realize just how stupid you sound? Do you? You got married and found out SIX MONTHS LATER that your father was fucking your Mommy's BFF who was also your wedding planner, ever since you've been obsessing about how SHE ruined your wedding? Destroyed your memories? 

Give me a goddamned break, you moron. Oh, and SHADDAP!  a hundred times. 

Listen you self-indulgent whining little snot rag. This affair was none of your business. I know your mother has MADE it your business with her whining and bitching and bringing up the affair every time she sees you.... but why do you let her do this? You have got to be well into your thirties, and you STILL let Mommy tell you what to do? WTF? 

You're not ALLOWED to watch your own wedding video? You're going to destroy YOUR veil, just because your Mommy doesn't want to look at it? Huh? Does Mommy live in your closet? Do you still ask her opinion on the best way to wipe your ass, too? Has it ever occurred to you that MOMMY is the one with the problem here? See, you claim that your parents made nice and all is well with them now. Surely you don't believe that! Your mother is still obsessing and YOU are permitting her to drag you into her drama. She hasn't forgiven your father at all...

See sugar, you're mad at the wrong person here. What about Daddy? Did the "other woman" hogtie him and force him to have sex with her? Hell no! Your beloved Daddy was the one that dropped his pants! HE chose to lie to your mother. HE chose to cheat. HE's the one that was sneaking around. Picture this, if you want to get mad at someone..... Your Daddy, rolling around on the floor of the "other woman's" sewing room, screwing like bunnies while YOUR VEIL was on the sewing machine! How does that work for you?

NOW do you feel better? No? You're still going to be "forced" to spend thousands renewing your vows so that your Mommy will feel better about some overpriced photos of you and your husband wearing inappropriately formal clothing at a contrived event that no one really wants to go to, anyway? 

What does your husband think of this, dumbass? Or does he even count, except as a prop to stand beside you at an event that really had more to do with you getting the one and only photo op of your life than anything resembling "love"? Did you even ask his opinion? Now THAT would be interesting. I would love to see the letter he'd write...

"Dear Internet Lady,

My wife can't keep her snout out of other people's business and is now spending the mortgage money on a phony wedding that we're only having to make her sex-obsessed, Looney Tunes, control-freak of a mother happy...."

3.  IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!! I'M GONNA HOLD MY BREATH UNTIL I TURN BLUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST WATCH ME BANG MY HEAD ON THE WALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHADDAP!

Cry me a river, loser. You found out that someone better educated than you, and from the sounds of it a whole lot more pleasant to deal with, is making a lousy six grand more per year? So? Whaddaya want? Maybe a Marsha the Martyr sticker to wear on your forehead at work every day?

Oh sure. You can take the advice that some people on Slate have given you and "negotiate" for more money. You can even run to your boss and tell him/her that you "found out" that this co-worker is making more than you are. You can raise a stink. You can whine, bawl, cry, moan, spread rumors, bitch and complain.... do whatever you want. 

I guarantee that your boss will take one look at you and decide that you're more trouble than you're worth, especially if the company can get someone with a Master's degree for a measly six grand more than they're paying you. Had you considered that?

All it will get you is a trip to Joblessville, and in this economy, do you really want to go there? 

Wait, moron. Ask for more money later if you want...but be prepared not to get it. Not for awhile, anyway.

4. *HORK* *BARF* oooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh *RUMBLE* I'M GONNA DIE!  *SPLAT* *FLUSH* NEVER AGAIN ............... IHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOU.....

SHADDAP!

Yeesh. Another one...

Ok. Twice you've eaten at another couple's house and twice you've gotten sick. My sympathies. Having just had another visit from my good friends Sam'n'Ella myself, I can tell you that I feel your pain. 

But you didn't have food poisoning, you flaming idiot! YOU got sick. No one else did, did they? How do I know this? Ask me...Ok, I'll tell you how I know... Because with your shitty attitude and willingness to throw blame around there's NO WAY you wouldn't have been howling to the moon throughout your entire letter if someone else had joined you in your worship of the Great White Porcelain God, Ralph.

You say that "...nothing they touch will ever enter my mouth again..." without even considering telling them what happened! How stupid can you be? Obviously something you ate made you sick - and no one else. Do you think your friends did this on purpose? What did they do, do you think? Do you think they were wandering around the grocery store saying to each other, "Gee, it's time to try and kill that dumbass again?"

Why the hell is it (and for those of you who have heard me go on about this before, talk among yourselves for a bit) that people are so frightened to TALK to each other? Has it not occurred to you that this might be a GOOD THING? If you can find out what made you sick, you can avoid it in the future and not get blindsided by it again. Duh. 

Prudie's (and others) advice on this was to take them out for dinner, or feed them at your place or something.... It's all bullshit. You need talk to these people WITHOUT whining, or blaming or any of the other spiteful shit you seem to eager to spew, and try and find out what happened. If you do this, I can guarantee that you will never get sick at their place again.

Moron.