SHADDAP!

(Photograph copyright 2009, all rights reserved)


I made it before Monday! Woo hoo! I'm still posting late, but not AS late as usual. Doesn't that count for something?

Oh all right. I'll admit it. The Boy has H1N1, so we're stuck in the house for a week. Neither of us are terribly ill - he's on Tamiflu and I think I've already had swine flu this spring - but the fact remains that we can't be in contact with the rest of the world until next weekend. So far we've managed to get along all right, but I wouldn't guarantee that's going to last. Two highly opinionated people locked in a house together? Yeesh.

So here I am on this freakishly beautiful fall day (Temps in the 50s, sun shining, etc.) trapped indoors and thinking that this is the perfect time to discuss the letters at Dear Prudence .

And what do I see in these letters? ALL of them were written by women who embarrass us all with their seemingly slavish adherence to nasty stereotypes that most of us try to stay as far away from as we can.


1. The Hyper-Feminist Who Sees Everything as a Threat and Hits Back First.

You don't want to be in your fiance's family portrait. Right. A lot of people have called you on the carpet over this. They've called you immature, bratty, childish, controlling, a bitch, and a whole lot of other nasty words. As far as that goes, they're right, it IS a childish and stupid thing to do at this point, so

SHADDAP!

...for a second and pay attention.

Have you given any thought to what you're actually doing here? Is this really the line you want to draw even BEFORE you marry this man? Seriously? See, love is a funny thing. It leads us to do things that we otherwise would never consider, like making snow angels or spending money on quirky gifts and expensive meals. That's all right. It's the way it should be.

But loving someone and making a life with that person means a whole lot more than that. When you love someone, really love them, compromise is what will keep you together. It's a lot easier when it comes to trivial things - he likes depressing movies, you like musicals, for example - but there are some things that are deeply engrained that you will have no choice to accept because they could be deal breakers.

This is where the family portrait comes in. This is something that your fiance has been participating in probably since before he was even born. His family is important to him, the photo is important to them, and that's the way it has always been. If you want to marry this man, then you have no choice but to accept that he will ALWAYS be attached to his family because they love each other. That's it. You don't have the right to interfere with that, and you will never be able to stop him from loving his family. Sorry, kid, but thems the breaks.

So what's the big deal? Did you have a crappy family, is that why you're so terrified to belong to his? Has anyone in his family done anything to harm you or make you feel as if you're intruding? I doubt they have, by the way. It sounds like they've been kind to you and they're excited about the wedding. What's so wrong with that?

This hostility you have is really strange. Why so emotional about not taking your fiance's family name? Has anyone demanded that you do? It's bog ordinary for women not to change their names when they marry, you know. The fact that you're so hostile to the idea rings false to me. It looks like you're hunting for an excuse to be angry.

This business of "cutting the umbilical cord" is frankly bizarre. Who said that you can't have your own family traditions? Did someone in his family take you aside and tell you that you and their son would be chained in the basement during holidays, so you couldn't do your own thing? Why are you so threatened by the idea of being included in their family activities? Yes, they're HIS family, not yours. If you want to marry this man, again, his family will play a part in your life whether you like it or not.

I know you say that being in the picture is "...making me sick and filling me with anger." That's not the problem, though, is it? No, you're terrified at the idea. It scares the bejesus out of you that getting married is NOT just about you and your fiance, it's about ALL of the members of both of your families. I don't think you quite comprehend that being married means being accepting, compromising and understanding that you aren't going to spend the rest of your lives staring into each other's eyes.

In fact, I would posit that what you're REALLY scared of is getting married in the first place. You are clinging so hard to what you think of as your independence that you can't bring yourself to understand that independence doesn't mean isolating yourself from the rest of the world. That is YOUR problem, not your fiance's and not his family's. Until YOU deal with your issues, don't marry this man. You can't love him and be so terrified of life at the same time. He deserves better.

I think you're sabotaging your engagement because at some level, you don't think you can handle being married. Of course, I could also be wrong. Look at it this way. If you continue to try and drive a wedge between your fiance and his family, you are not going to come out the winner. Eventually, he'll get tired of your isolation tactics and find someone who is accepting and kind and respects that he has a right not to be ordered around and manipulated.


2. The Desperate Divorcee - Anything for a Man.

You can't see it, but I'm shaking my head right now. It's a combination of disbelief and despair at the way some women manage to convince themselves that being married to someone, ANYONE, is better than being on their own. No matter how rotten a guy is, no matter what dangerous, illegal or downright creepy things he's into, there's always some woman who manages to convince herself that "deep down", he's a "good person", or "it's just a front" and he's a kind and gentle guy. I get it, I do. I think it's an exercise in futility and a stupid thing to do, but I understand where it comes from.

SHADDAP!

You raised your kids alone. Great. I'm sure they're lovely human beings. I also know darn well that being a single parent is a lonely, lonely thing and that it's hard to be the only one in authority, the only one who is responsible. Many single parents would do anything to connect with someone just so they can come home and talk to an adult after work.

What are you doing with this guy, then? You say he's "Mr. Right", but you know that no one's perfect. You claim he's your everything and you want to spend your life with him...but something bothered you practically from the start, didn't it? That squiggly feeling in your gut just wouldn't go away, would it? There was always something just a little bit off.....and you convinced yourself that it was nothing because you were (I gotta say it) desperate not to spend the rest of your life alone. You were willing to put up with whatever weird, creepy thing this guy was into for the sake of a warm bed at night.

What was it? Was he a little too nice? Did his sincerity strike you as somehow false? Did he spend just a little too long hugging your daughters? What about your sex life? Not quite what you expected? Maybe he was just didn't seem into it all that often? I'm sure it was all very subtle - maybe cell phone calls that he left the room to answer or just a little too much time on the Internet after you were in bed at night. Whatever it was, you felt it, and you felt the need to check his computer to either confirm your suspicions or make them go away.....

You know that snooping is wrong, but there was some little niggling doubt in the back of your mind.....

So you found out you were right. "Mr. Right" is actually "Mr. Creepy". There is nothing "normal" or even vaguely acceptable about him having nude photos of his stepdaughter on his computer. Your instincts are right on the money. His excuses strike you as nonsense, too, especially that twaddle about how he photoshopped the clothing out of the picture out of curiosity. Eew. Just the fact that he wanted to see this young lady in the nude is creepy and the reason he gave - creepy again. What sane person wants lingerie shots of herself taken on her wedding day by her stepfather? Yuck and double yuck on that one!

I don't think you need to worry about your granddaughter. Your "Mr. Right" isn't interested in children. If I were you, I WOULD be worried about your daughters, though. "Mr. Right" seems to have a thing for very young ladies. Younger than you. In fact now that I think about it.... why do you think he married you in the first place? Could it be that it was the fastest, easiest way to get access to your daughters?

You aren't being paranoid here. There is nothing wrong with you. There's a lot wrong with HIM, though. If you stay with this guy, if you let him convince you that you were hallucinating just because you have convinced yourself that any guy is better than none, then you are a fool, madam. Your gut is telling you to jettison this loser. SO LISTEN TO IT.


3. The Florence (I've Got You in my Clutches) Nightingale.

Patients fall for doctors, doctors fall for nurses, nurses fall for..... terminal patients? Um. Ok. I guess. Sort of. You say (and I'm quoting you directly so I don't get this wrong), "But I want to be happy with someone, and he has every right to want the same, too."

SHADDAP!

Ooh. Twit. Yet another woman who's managed to convince herself that a guy is absolutely THE ONE, even though in this case....he doesn't even know your NAME.

You know this is a crush, though. This guy doesn't know or notice you, or he would have said something, anything to get your attention. Still, after seeing that he's on a dating site, you've decided that he HAS to be the love of your life. Mind you - the only conversation you've ever had consisted of you asking him if Tuesday was all right for the next appointment...

So you want to contact him? Knock yourself out. A whole lot of people (including Prudie) have speculated that you're into the whole idea of being with a guy that's dying, then spending the rest of your life sighing and moaning about your lost love (which you knew about ahead of time). Are you hoping it will make you interesting in the future, so that you have an actual excuse to spend the rest of your life whining and not have to do anything about it because you had True Love and lost it so tragically (but predictably)?

Maybe it's even appealing to you that if you succeed, you'll have complete control over every aspect of his life and better yet....there's nothing he can do about it! Ooh, that would be keen, right? You'd be in total control over everything - from his pain meds to his bowel movements. Is that what you're into?

So I say go for it. Contact him on that dating site. Chances are that once he realizes who you are and that you've been staring at him for YEARS, he'll be so creeped out that he'll change doctors just to get away from you. I'm guessing that a guy who's trolling dating web sites who KNOWS that he hasn't got long to live is just looking to get laid as often as possible before the end. If he DOES buy into your fantasies, so much the better, right?


4. The Freaked Out Little Girl Who's Afraid of Behaving Like an Adult.

I said it last week, and I'll say it again. Thanksgiving as a holiday seems to have rooted in the collective mind of this country as the absolute most CRUCIAL DAY of the year. People kill themselves in driving in snowstorms to get to Grandma's house for a dried out turkey and sauce out of a can KNOWING that they're going to be re-living every single scrap of sibling rivalry, every creepy moment of of the time that pervert of an older cousin felt them up under the table, every story that Gran has to tell about the potty training and bed wetting of her adult kids and so on and so on...

But you have a different goal, and it's a good one. So why the angst?

SHADDAP!

Having the parents meet over a festive meal? Good idea. At least they'll all be on their best behavior, right? And they'll have to meet sometime. Ok, I know it's the creepy uncle thing that's got you going, so here's my advice on that.

I know this scary dude got invited to your home without you knowing about it. I'm guessing that your boyfriend's father asked HIM if it was all right to invite Uncle Scary Dude and your boyfriend said yes, then forgot about it. That was it, right? Thought so. The gun thing would bother the heck out of me, too. Judging by all the comments people have made about it you and I are NOT in the minority on that one.

You can't disinvite the guy. It's your boyfriend's house as well as yours and he said it was all right. So you're stuck. What you CAN and SHOULD do is have a chat with the man who okayed that invitation. Tell him that it's no big deal that you have to feed an extra person. You know you're going to make too much food anyway. What you have to let him know is that you just won't tolerate a gun in your house.

This is not an unreasonable request, and if you don't have hysterics when you bring it up with your boyfriend, you will get your wish, or at least a reasonable facsimile of it. Either Uncle Scary Dude will refuse to show up if he's not armed (breathe a sigh of relief), or his brother will talk to him and he'll leave his gun in the car. This is only a big deal if you allow it to become one. If you let everyone know that those are your rules in a calm and quiet manner, then people will respect that.

Now, as for the "meeting of the parents"...I think you've blown that WAY out of proportion. Both sets of parents are adults and they do know how to be polite. You can trust them to behave with no help from you. If they can't bring themselves to behave, THEY'RE the ones who are going to look like morons, not you. I'm assuming that this dinner is being held in contemplation that you may marry your boyfriend one day (expecting a ring for Christmas, maybe?) and you want the whole group of parents to at least partly know each other. A noble, if wrong headed goal.

Why wrong headed? Well, you and your boyfriend are potentially marrying EACH OTHER and NOT living with your families. Each of you will have to get along with the other's family - even if you don't take his name and want to avoid the family photo - for the long term. Your respective parents are not necessarily going to become buddies because of this. In fact they may not like each other at all, and it doesn't matter. After all, when the wedding's over with, they never have to be in the same room again. It's true. You'll never have to worry about them getting along because it's just not that important that they do!

SHADDAP!

(Photograph copyright 2009, all rights reserved)

Disclaimer: I am not a counselor, doctor, therapist or otherwise qualified to give people any real advice. I've been around the block a time or two and I hope I have a little common sense, but I don't make any guarantees, even in the advice I give myself. This whole exercise is strictly for entertainment (and if no one reads it, just for MY entertainment) and should never be taken seriously by anyone, ever. I'm just your average smart-aleck writing a weekly parody.

The letters are from Dear Prudie .

(By the way, the critter in this week's photo is Sarah. In the past two minutes, she has toasted her brains under the halogen desk lamp, tried to add her own comments here to the blog (I deleted them, she's rude) and is now draped around my shoulders, purring so loudly I can't hear myself think. You'd think we never pay attention to them....)


1. Wow, you have an answer for everything, don't you? That's not a compliment, either. KNOWING an answer and HAVING one are two entirely different creatures. In your case you're trying desperately to convince yourself that they're the same, but you know they aren't....

SHADDAP!

You say that "I have always believed I am plain." Ok, let's go with that. Where did you get that? If you've always believed it, someone told you that in the first place because no child is born convinced that they were "plain" and no child would come up with that word to describe themselves. So tell me, what abusive jerk spent years pounding you with the "you're plain" nonsense until you actually came to believe it?

If it was a family member, then cut that person out of your life for eternity. They have never had your best interests at heart. If it was a former boyfriend, let me be the first to tell you that abusive men say that stuff ALL THE TIME. They aren't saying it because it's true, they say it because they want to make sure that you never make the effort to find out if there are other people who aren't slimeballs like they are. It's one of the ways abusers control their victims. So there.

So, you go about telling the world that you're miserable because of your looks and your looks alone. Your friends, you claim, are just being nice to the ugly girl when they tell you different, but you "know" they're lying. Right. So tell me again why you "know" they're lying? Oh right, you can't tell me that. Because THEY AREN'T LYING. See, you're such a sad sack these days that if your friends had been lying, they'd have dumped your behind ages ago. They are NOT "trying to make you feel better", they are telling the truth as they see it. You've just chosen not to believe them.

As for flirting, you know you're lying to yourself about that, too. The most successful flirters (is that a word, even?) aren't flirting at all. They're talking to people, holding conversations. All that's required to be a success at flirting is to make eye contact, smile and hold up your end. That's it. There's nothing phony or contrived about it. As for the hair-flinging cheesy bimbo stuff - that's not flirting at all. That's part of the "lets get a room" dance and you know darn well it is.

I suspect Prudie is right when she speculates that you are frumping around and not taking care of yourself. You admit that you've given up. Even though you CLAIM you're taking care of yourself and dressing well, you know you aren't making any effort to be attractive. I suspect that if you WERE making a real effort, you'd look a whole lot nicer than you do now.

But that's all beside the point. You need to deal with this deep depression you're in. You need to unpack all of the bullcookies that abusive SOB (this includes family) who put a bunch of garbage in your head and stop renting mental space to them. Why are you letting them rule your life? Doesn't it make you even a little angry that someone else decided that you should be miserable and you've let them succeed so far?

Now, those "answers" that you have for everything? It's time to stop making excuses and take control of your life. Go to your doctor, ask for a therapist and obey whatever they tell you. No one can do it for you and if you insist on giving up for eternity you really WILL end up alone.

(Disclaimer: I WAS a homely kid, what with the bumpy nose and crookedy teeth, both of which have been dealt with. I am now socially acceptable, but no glamour-babe, never have been, never particularly wanted to be. I DO get irritated with people who sell themselves short. It's usually either false modesty or genuine whining and there's no excuse for either.)


2. Ah Thanksgiving. That holiday from hell!

All around the country, people are whining and complaining about their relatives and preparing to vomit all night because Aunt Sarah's "family tradition" oyster stuffing is traditionally allowed to sit on the counter for WAY too long before it hits the table but everyone has to have some anyway or the resulting tantrum will reverberate for YEARS afterwards. People are girding their loins to deal with the family feuds, the family drunkards, the families composed of drunkards and the foul tempered jerks that are tolerated only because of tenuous DNA connections and the fact that they live far away and are too cheap to make long-distance phone calls. The grannies and aunties will all be there, yelling and screaming about nonsense that happened so long ago that they're the only ones old enough to have been there.

And you married into that. Voluntarily, yet! It's all right, we all marry into the families of our spouses, and I'll let you in on the big secret; ALL families are just slightly nuts. Even the ones that LOOK like the Cleavers. Trust me on this. It's true.

Yup. That holiday where we all give thanks that we only have to see these idiots a couple of times a year is upon us. Whoopee. I was reminded this weekend that all of Canada is laughing hysterically at all of us because THEY had Thanksgiving a month ago and have already decompressed. Smug weenies!

SHADDAP!

You know what the answer is for your dilemma. Everyone over on Slate has already told you that this year, like the turkey, you are committed to this dinner from Hades. However, one more day of the blaring television, children in bondage and Tupperware hoarding hostess is not going to actually kill you, no matter how much you wish it would.

All is not lost, though. You say you want to see friends as well as family next year. Good on ya! So tell me again what the problem is?

You know what you want to do, so next year just do it. Why do you need permission from the internet lady to put the plan in action? Get your husband on board, invite the family to the open house as well as the friends and let the games begin. I've always maintained that a big mix of people is more interesting than the same old crowd. You know it too, otherwise you wouldn't be chafing to get the heck out of that non-event at your sister-in-law's place.

Plan the open house. Serve the food buffet style, rent dishes, cutlery and glasses and have fun. Get booze, wine, whatever beverages work, and keep glasses full. It's way more fun to nibble, mingle and talk to a bunch of people than being stuck at the same spot on the long table with the same people every year, right?

If your husband's family whines about it, make the usual excuses and tell them you're trying to lessen the stress on your beloved sis-in-law. If they don't come, so what? You know that you're having more fun than they are, right?

Besides, 20 years from now when this has become a tradition and you swear to the Almighty that if you have to cook one more blasted turkey and make one more fifteen pound potato salad that you're going to scream.....you can always wax nostalgic and convince another in-law that it should be someone else's turn for awhile, then go to France or something on that weekend.


3. SHADDAP!

Sorry dental assistant. I don't generally start out with the SHADDAP, but how moronic can you be? How complicated is this for you?

You say that you work for a "nice" dentist.....who just happens to be defrauding insurance companies! I know you'd like to think that he doesn't know, but get real sister, HE KNOWS. So

SHADDAP!

again and pay attention now.

You now have knowledge that a crime is being committed. If someone else finds out what's going on and you are still working there you are JUST AS LIABLE in this fraud as the dentist and his wife. That's right, cookie, you could go to jail! Now, how "nice" is that dentist, really? Do you really think he'll let his wife take the rap for the fraud if he thinks for one millisecond that he can throw you under the bus instead? Get real, kid. No matter how you slice it, you have to tell.

Doing nothing is not an option for you. Period. You have to tell whatever authorities there are that deal with this stuff. Of course, if you report it AFTER your resume is making the rounds, so much the better. So I'll leave you with this:

NOT TELLING IS NOT AN OPTION!


4. Hmmm. Someone passed out at a funeral. That happens all the time, you know, especially in hot weather or at big funerals. It's not in the least unusual. You did your job, the job you were trained for, and the fuss was over quickly and without interrupting the proceedings... You should be pretty proud of the way you handled it. The best possible thing to do was get the guy to a hospital without creating a hullaballoo and you did it.

SHADDAP!

But that's the problem, right? Hardly anyone actually SAW your heroics! No one applauded or grabbed a microphone to thank you profusely. It's an ego thing, I'm thinking. When your poor husband made the mistake of asking what went on, you HAD to blow it up to the kind of event equivalent to being the only poor nurse at the bus crash.

I have to start with why the heck was this so upsetting for you if you're a nurse to start with? It's not like you had to deal with a sucking chest wound, fercryinoutloud! Someone fainted. You've never seen anyone faint before? Where do you work, the "We Don't Treat Sick People For Fear It'll Upset The Staff" hospital? Gee whiz, lady, remind me not to go to you if I have a boo boo on my pinkie or something!

What do you do when something REALLY upsetting happens to you? Hysterics? If your usual response is to spend hours and hours repeating every little detail (...he had lint on his cuff....) then little wonder your husband tuned you out. It has to be exhausting listening to you yatter on and on about things that the rest of the world has already forgotten about!

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt for a second here, though. It's a guy thing, too. When men ask for information, that's all they want. Your husband asked you what happened, you told him, and that's all he needed or wanted to hear. He doesn't NEED the exposition, the emo-crud or the tears and he isn't particularly interested in all that because he just doesn't see it as that big a deal. In guy-speak, you were finished as soon as the ambulance guys got there and he only asked you what happened because he didn't actually see it for himself.

See, men want INFORMATION not EXPOSITION when they ask a question. They truly and honestly aren't interested in anything else. It doesn't mean your husband doesn't love you or care how you feel, he just doesn't see this as a big deal.

It's the same with venting. You can stand in the middle of the room ranting about the creeps you work with and you won't get any sympathy for it. What you WILL get is suggestions for dealing with the problem. Because that's what men do. They see a problem and their first thought is not to whine about it or beg for sympathy. Their first impulse is to bitch about it for a second while they're thinking of the solution, then DO SOMETHING about it.

Straight women like you and I and a whole lot of others marry these alien creatures called "men" and we all seem to pretty much thrive, so it can't be all bad, right? Now let the poor bugger watch his game and go vent to a female friend. She'll get it, make all the right noises and you'll feel much better about the whole thing, I promise.

________________________________________________________________

(Sarah, the Golden One, The Pygmy Leopard that Runs Like Thunder has given up on me. She is now lying on a heat vent, smug in the knowledge that even if my feet freeze up here, SHE'LL have a nice warm tummy. (Sigh)

SHADDAP!

(Photograph copyright 2009, all rights reserved)

Now, as a matter of scale, I have posted a picture of Nina the Dippy Kitty, Clutzy Girl that Trips on Her Own Tail, sitting beside the same cushion as Louis was leaning on in the previous photo. Note the size difference. Nina weighs 9 1/2 pounds. Lou weighed 28. 'Nuff said.

-------------------------------------------------------

All right. I know you all expect me to be late. The truth is, for the first time since March, The Boy and I are taking a whole day and a half off. I'm going to meet him in The City By The Bay for a weekend of many and varied hi-jinks, including dinners at three outstanding restaurants; Bar Tartine, Leiola, and A16. I can't wait! There will be reviews over on One Messy Lady next week.

I leave tomorrow morning, and I'm taking time from my desperate packing (Should I take those gloves with the leather bow on the back?) to write this.

As always, the letters are at Dear Prudie .

Off we go.


1. Congratulations! Its so nice to hear that a teenaged girl is taking her sexual fate into her own hands, as it were, and considering what I think is a very wise purchase. Clearly you aren't going to have any trouble purchasing the vibrator you want, and isn't online shopping grand?

However.... do you really think your mother needs to know about this?

SHADDAP!

And listen a moment....

I know your mother is a nurse. I know she's probably seen and heard it all. (Disclosure: My mother is also a retired nurse, I STILL managed to give her a shock or two.) The thing is, there are some things about you that she not only doesn't NEED to know, she doesn't really WANT to.

How do I know this? Well... put it this way. Does it ick you out to picture your parents having wild and grubby sex in the park? Does the idea of them rolling around in the leaves, spreading condoms hither and yon, yelling with glee and groaning so the joggers can hear them bother you at all? How about the mental picture of your mother using her OWN battery operated friend? You know it totally creeps you out. That's just somewhere your brain doesn't want to go. Admit it. Well, the mental picture of you sporting with a vibrator (let alone a boy) is enough to send your mother around the bend. It's too much for a parent to process.

She diapered you, kid. Even though you're just about an adult now, some part of your mother will always see you feet up on the changing table covered in shit and gurgling with happiness at the success of that enterprise. There is NO WAY she's going to be able to square that with the notion of you masturbating seven or eight times a night. Trust me on this.

I'm a firm believer in the idea that kids should be able to explore their sexuality on their own before bringing a partner into it. Knowing what you want and need is crucial to good relationships. You seem a sensible sort, and knowing that your mother is a nurse, I know exactly what kind of sex education your mom gave you. Nurses are no-nonsense types that have no patience for the bullshit that a lot of other people do. They aren't going to tippy-toe around this topic. I'm certain if you asked her for birth control right now, she'd ask a bunch of questions AND make sure you had whatever you want or need, and in embarrassingly vast quantities.

This talk you want to have? Not so much. Do some reading. Make your purchase. Have some fun. Relax - this IS supposed to be fun. Parents know you're doing it, they just don't want the specifics, and who can blame them, really?


2. A wedding! Oh joy, oh bliss! And wait, there's more! Stupid demands, rampant insecurity, and a total lack of True Love on your part!

SHADDAP!

...you silly little bitch, and pay attention.

You don't get to have it both ways. You CLAIM you want to spend "...the rest of my life and have a family with" this man, which is all well and good. You PRETEND that you have no problem with IVF or sperm donation if his little swimmers are nonfunctional. Ok. I get that. So tell me, oh silly jackass - if the above is true, then where you you get off demanding a fertility test from HIM before the wedding?

So tell me, genius, what makes you think YOU'RE Fertile Myrtle? Been knocked up before, have you? Did it ever occur to you that YOU might be the one who can't ever have kids of your own? No? Why? You think that because you're still young that there's no chance of you having any fertility problems, ever? Convinced you'll be able to drop'em like puppies? What are you going to do if it's YOU that can't have kids?

The fact that you'd even consider this question means that you don't love this man. If you did, you wouldn't care if he had one leg, one arm, no teeth and a three-pronged dick. None of that would matter to you if you loved him as much as you claim to. In fact, you'd be shouting from the roof tops that you didn't care one way or the other if you have kids or not, as long as he's there with you.

You can't do that, can you? No, you just want to be a uterus with feet for the next few years, and if you're honest with yourself, you're so convinced that you have the right to be Super Mommy and that their father really doesn't figure in to the equation after the initial contribution. Try this. Put off the wedding for a full year. Quit using all birth control now. If you have a baby BEFORE the wedding, you'll know, right? Not willing to make the sacrifice for "true love"?

You haven't the foggiest notion what it is to love someone, little girl. You are, in fact, a jerk. "Jerk", by the way, is a non-gender specific term for "selfish person who tries to control every aspect of everyone's life around him/her for his/her own convenience no matter who gets hurt".

I'd say you qualify.


3. What a little shit you were! I don't actually blame you for being a little shit as a teen. Just about everyone goes through some sort of little shit stage, even those of us who grew up in intact families of sane people. You took it all a little too far, though, didn't you? I'm sure you'll blame your mother for egging you on, but it's not all her, is it?

I don't know what the fuck was going through your pointed head when you tried to commit physical harm to people who cared about you. I don't know how even a vengeful 14-year-old could even contemplate harming a baby - YOUR SIBLING, in fact. I don't care what a bitter bitch your mother was. The simple fact is that you had no right to do any of this.

I will tell you to

SHADDAP!

...just like your father has.

Pay attention now, and look at this the way your father did. I'll make it easy for you with simple declarative sentences.

- Your father divorced your crazy/insane mother while he was still young enough to have a life.

- He met a NON crazy/insane woman and fell in love.

- He felt guilty about leaving you and tried to keep your crazy/insane mother from destroying your life because you were too young to defend yourself from her.

- He's your father, he loved you, and he wanted you with him so he took you into his home, with his wife and your baby sibling, thinking to make your life easier.

- He tried to help you in any way he could think of, and you spit on his every effort.

So how did you return his love? You committed assault. You verbally abused him AND the woman he loves. You tried to harm his child, an innocent baby who did NOTHING to harm you. He still tried to reach out, and you threatened to lie and make a criminal of him for no better reason than you were a selfish, ungrateful bitch.

You gave him no choice. You backed him into a corner, no doubt trying to force him to choose between his new family and you, and YOU LOST. You know what? Your youth is no excuse. I know that there are a lot of things that maybe could or should have been done, but in the end you CHOSE this course, and you lost. There are no do-overs for stuff like this.

So now what? You apologize and that's supposed to make it all go away? How do you think that works? Do you sincerely believe that one apology is going to make all the ugliness that you created go away and you can make nice again? Sorry. It doesn't work that way. I know a lot of people are telling you to persist - they seem to think that family is family, no matter how shitty people treat each other. They're wrong.

Your father has every right and some very good reasons for keeping you away from his family. You tried to destroy him, his wife, his kids, everything he earned and for what? Because like a million other kids, your parents got a divorce?

He doesn't HAVE to do anything. He doesn't HAVE to respond to your e-mails or letters. He doesn't HAVE to love you. You've proven yourself to be unloveable. He doesn't HAVE to accept your apologies. What you did is so ugly that in his mind, there is no forgiveness for you. He doesn't HAVE to even listen to you. Everything you say probably sounds like an excuse to him, a way to worm your way into his life so you can hurt him again. You put his family at risk to the point where he was frightened enough to send you away. Why should he take that chance with you again, when he has a wife and family who love him, respect him and depend on him?

Listen to your uncle and your cousins. They know your father better than you ever will, and for some reason that you won't disclose, they are still frightened that you might harm him. They were the ones that had to be there when you played your ugly little games, they were around to help him heal from the damage you inflicted, and they will defend HIM. YOU don't count for them any more. Feel free to sent THEM updates about your life. They may or may not pass them on to your father.

In the meantime, only you know how much you've changed. If your father wants to find out if you became a human when you became an adult, then HE'S the one that will contact you. That is his right. You do not have the right to force this on him, and you don't have the right to claim that he's "hurting" you when all he's doing is keeping his family safe.


4. Oh, aren't you just Miss Prissy-Pants Perfect! Why I bet everyone loves you and everyone wants to be just like you! Why I bet that you are single handedly going to bring back the spiral perm and the disco ball! Aren't you just the specialist, darlingest, darling that ever walked the planet. Of COURSE you should be ruling the world, one toilet seat at a time!

SHADDAP!

I don't know just how crucial you are to your business, but you aren't likely to be there long, given the time and energy you spend on such work- related industriousness as toilet seats and other peoples' socks. I'm sure your boss was thrilled to know how you spend your time on the company's dime.

I also don't have much sympathy for you as far as your co-worker is concerned. After all, you waltzed in, pretended you were doing him a big favor just by being born, and proceeded to hound the poor man about every little thing he does! And don't try to pretend you're the "wronged" one just because of the state of the loo. With your attitude, it's no wonder the guy hates you. In his postition ANYONE would be making that special effort just to piss you off some more.

You may or may be hot shit when it comes to your job. That doesn't matter one way or the other. When you behave like a bitch, harass your co-workers and run whining to the boss every time something happens that you don't like, all you're proving is that you aren't worth having around.

Don't be surprised if the boss decides you're a liability in the near future. Perhaps in this economy you should be making an effort to fit in with and not piss off your co-workers.

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Pooham - I did see that photo you sent of your kitty, and he is not just cute, he is stinkin' cute. I'm a fan of cats with oddball markings, and his black dots are wonderful. There's something of a "type" for white cats with yellow eyes, isn't there? Miss Ella is gorgeous, but there are a lot of cats with her general appearance. Let's not tell them, though. Best to let them think they're the best, right?