What the fuck, kids?

Well, here goes!

Photograph copyright 2013, all rights reserved.

So here I am at SHADDAP!, after a long time away. I expect that most of the people who have read my SHADDAPS in the past will have fallen away. So be it. I am a lazy correspondent at the best of times and it takes a lot to rouse me to post these days.

Photograph copyright 2013, all rights reserved.

I'm in a high dudgeon today, as I have been all week, so when I feel like throwing something, I'll be posting photos. A couple of weeks ago, The Boy and I went to Toronto. We went for a couple of reasons. We used to live there and liked it a lot. We needed to get away for a bit and hang out in a place that we find very comfortable. The graffiti is out of this world amazing. 

Do I need to repeat that? The graffiti is AMAZING, kids. I know San Francisco likes to brag, and it's pretty nice there, but Toronto has it beat all to hell now. I couldn't believe the difference in only the last three or four years. City policy has changed. There are no longer people running around blotting off the street art. The City of Toronto has actually started supporting its street artists, letting them paint on specific walls and organizing events where self-selected artists can just go crazy. 

I'm sure it's a little more organized than that and the building owners give permission and all that. The net result is fabulous. So like I said, you'll get photos with my rant today, if it's all right with you. 

Photograph copyright 2013, all rights reserved.

Back to the topic. 

Over the past week, Emily Yoffe, our very own Dear Prudie, has posted a couple of articles on Slate. From time to time she steps away from the advice column and actually has an opinion on something, which is usually a mistake. She should never do that. 

Why, you ask? Why is it a bad idea? 

Lemme tell ya.........

In the wake of the Maryville rape case fiasco, in which a 14-year-old girl was raped at a party and then left to die on her own front porch in the middle of the night in sub-zero weather........ Emily decided that it was time to let women know that if they drink, they are BEGGING to be raped. 

That's right. Oh, she phrased it in her usual patronizing way, claiming that she was only trying to "help" and that women have to "keep themselves safe" because apparently ONLY women can control whether they get raped or not. 

Now, this isn't anything new. It's classic rape apologist twaddle. It's ugly on a bunch of levels, though, because it blames victims for being assaulted and insults the vast majority of men who would never harm anyone, ever. This line of thinking assumes that women are helpless holes with feet who really deserve to be raped for whatever reason (in this case, drinking) the apologist wants to use at the time. 

It also assumes that men are helpless morons who can't help themselves and are governed entirely by their gonads. Emily came close to saying flat out that men are too stupid to know the difference between sex and rape. 

Again - we've heard it all before. Nothing new there. 

Photograph copyright 2013, all rights reserved.

Now we all know what happens when someone posts an article like this. The boards EXPLODE with posts. The Men's Rights losers try to dominate, posting endless versions of "bitch deserved it", followed by, "You femmunists (yes, someone called me that) are a bunch of emasculating bitches and you MAKE us rape you!"

You know that line of shit. For anyone who thinks that way, I say: 

SHADDAP!

You fucking morons. 

What surprised the hell out of me, though, was the sheer tonnage of women who support Emily's shite! 

What the fuck is the matter with you, ladies? I read a bunch of posts this very morning from women who are convinced that THEY were to blame for being raped! 

There is post after post after post - in the thousands - all saying that Emily was right. Women are fragile flowers who will be raped and deserve to be raped every time they go to any social event, anywhere and have but a sip of something alcoholic! 

What the fuck is that? And a resounding 

SHADDAP!

To you, too! 

Photograph copyright 2013, all rights reserved. 

I'm guessing that, at this point, y'all can see that I'm a bit pissed off about this garbage. 

Ahem. 

So now, dear Emily has posted a whinging retort saying that no one understands what she was trying to say, furiously backpedalling whilst maintaining that she was right in the first place, and we're all too stupid to understand her. 

SHADDAP, EMILY!

Photograph copyright 2013, all rights reserved.

I've been reading this shit all week. And how sad is that? Since when do we make excuses for rapists? Since when is it not only all right for men to rape women, but EXPECTED that it will happen? Emily rabbited on for an entire article about how women are to blame for what other people do to them...... because they drink. 

The sad thing about all this is that I suspect dear Emily could easily have substituted "wore fitted jeans",  "walked home at dusk", or "smiled in public", and her supporters would STILL think she was right! 

Now, Amanda Marcotte over on Salon thinks, as I do, that Emily is full of shit. She's also commented on it, and Emily's rape apologist buddies have slammed the boards over there, too. I've had posts deleted over there just because the Men's Rights assholes don't like it when I say, as I have always said:

Women get raped because men CHOOSE to rape them. 

I didn't think this was a particularly revolutionary thing to say. It's the flat-out simple truth. We've seen so many ugly rapes excused and not prosecuted even when (as in Maryville, Steubenville, et al) the attacks themselves are recorded and posted all over the web. In Maryville, the DA, in the pocket of the rapist's Old Grandad the retired senator, declined to prosecute a rape AND attempted murder. 

To this I say

SHADDAP! 

Assholes. 

Photograph copyright 2013, all rights reserved.

What are we teaching boys, here? How would it harm boys to be told, from earliest youth, that its NOT OK to:

1. Shove your penis into an unconscious human. 

2. Shove your penis into someone who says "no".

3. Shove your penis into someone that you've never met when both of you are sober. 

How complicated is that? 

Why is it that so many people think that, instead of educating boys, we have to train girls to be constantly frightened, constantly on watch, constantly monitoring themselves because it's somehow their fault if someone attacks them? 

What the fuck, people? 

Now, another side of this is that rape victims who don't fall neatly into the "bitch deserved it" slot that the apologists are so fond of. ANYONE can be raped. An 85-year-old woman in a wheelchair was raped in Alberta recently. Babies are raped - as in a 17-month-old who died of internal injuries because someone CHOSE to rape her recently. 

Photograph copyright 2013, all rights reserved. 

And here's where I have to disclose that I have been raped. Violently. Repeatedly. Left for dead. (Clearly I didn't die) 

I don't want sympathy. That was a LONG time ago, I have moved on. 

The point is that I was in university, and I don't fit into that box that everyone wants to shove young women into. I was attacked in my home, in broad daylight, stony sober. My attacker was someone I knew slightly. A bunch of us had been studying all day at my apartment. I was wearing baggy jeans and an ancient, equally baggy sweatshirt. No, I wasn't wearing makeup. In fact, I hadn't even bothered putting my contact lenses in that day. 

I posted this on Salon, and was greeted with outpourings of  - I can't describe it any other way - absolute and utter rage. There were posts saying that I must have done SOMETHING to deserve it. I was accused of lying. One particularly vile individual (who posts under the sobriquet "Lodatz") said that I deserved to be raped, beaten, and strangled because I lived off-campus. 

To these people again, a rousing

SHADDAP!

Photograph copyright 2013, all rights reserved. 

NO ONE "deserves" to be raped. NO ONE "asks" to be raped. NO ONE who has been sexually assaulted in any way should have to listen to the shit that people seem to be fond of spouting right now. 

Emily managed to start her very own shitstorm, and I have no doubt she's feeling very pleased with herself right now. She's never had so many page hits, and I'm guessing that the Slate editorial board is dancing in the streets because of that. They're making a fucking fortune right now, and all they had to do is roll over the bodies of rape victims to do it. 

SHADDAP, EMILY! 

Photograph copyright 2013, all rights reserved. 

On a personal level, I don't really care what people think of me. I really and sincerely don't. The above screed is my own way of saying.... what the hell is going on, kids? Why can't anyone have a decent conversation about this topic without flinging blame around and making ugly comments? How is it that this society, that we seem to think is so fucking enlightened, still makes excuses for criminals and the people who cover for them? 

I'm going to end this with a pretty picture - the money shot that everyone who goes to Yellowstone tries to get. Gorgeous, right? 

It's been too long. But I'm back!

(Photograph copyright December, 2012, all rights reserved)

All righty then....

I'm back, as promised. I can see that it's been well over a year since my last post and all I can say is mea culpa for those that missed me. That's IF anyone missed me, of course. Since I am proud to tell you that Cary Tennis deleted a bunch of my comments, I figure that I really am back and on top form.

I wish I could say there's been a specific reason for my lack of posts, but I can't. The last year has been rather....fraught. It's been a lesson in how nostalgia is a Bad Thing for me, and something I should never indulge in. I withdrew from just about everything but my art for awhile, while I kicked myself in the backside for getting sucked in to all of the same old shit.

Yup. Time to stop kicking myself and start kicking stupid LWs..... Look for the originals in the usual place - Prudie's Thursday column on Slate.com.

SHADDAP!!

1. So. Where to start with your stupid, LW? 

You are adopted, like millions of other people. You have convinced yourself that, having attained the age of almost half a century without, you MUST "know" your biomom. You wrote letters. You phoned her and harassed her. You threatened to tell her family who you are. You even threatened to hunt down your biofather and smacked her in the face with that, too. 

SHADDAP! 

What the fuck is your problem, you moron? 

Why are you torturing this woman? Do you hate your adoptive parents that much? You don't mention them anywhere in your letter, so I'm assuming that either they were horrid people or you're just a silly bitch that doesn't know how good you had it. 

This kind of selfish shit really bothers me. You don't know anything about the woman who gave birth to you. You don't know if she was raped and got pregnant. You don't know that your biofather isn't her own father, even. Has it occurred to you that you don't know what her family is like? That they might make her life hell because of you? Did you consider the likelihood that the only people who even knew that she gave birth to you are dead of old age? You don't know how awful that phase in her life really was and apparently, you don't care. 

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! You shout. I DESEEEEEEEEEEEEEERVE to know my MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMY!

Idiot. You had a mother. She is the lady that raised your ungrateful ass. She CHOSE to adopt you and raise you and SHE is the one that you should be focused on right now. Instead, you go charging into the life of a total stranger, demanding all of her attention, and blackmailing her into being in contact with you, even though she doesn't want to know you at all! 

Medical records are a bullshit excuse for forcing contact on someone. You are almost 50 years old. If something genetic was wrong with you, believe me, you'd have known it a hell of a long time ago. The only thing you're showing now that might be genetic is the asshole gene.

She didn't answer your letters. She told you she didn't want to talk to you. She is frightened that you will choose to destroy the life that she's spent almost five decades building and YOU KNOW THIS. Why would you choose to harm this woman who did nothing but give birth to you? You are only here on this planet because of her, so why do you think you have the right to scare her and destroy who knows how many relationships she has with her own family?

If I were your biological mother, I would call the police. I would report you as a stalker - because that is how you're behaving. That would only be the first step. The second would be to get a restraining order against you. Then I would warn my family about you. By the time I finished with you, everyone I knew would know that you're an insane bitch-stalker-person and to stay far, far away from you. 

You don't have a "right" to know this woman. You don't have a "right" to interfere with her life. You don't have a "right" to any kind of relationship with her extended family, either. THEY ARE NOT YOUR FAMILY. You already have a family. If you don't like them, then it sucks to be you.

If this garbage you're pulling is because you don't like what you've done with your own life, then get over yourself. 

Take the hint. Leave these people alone. 

2. Awwwwwwwwwwwwww, poor ickle babykins! How rough your life is! 

You are 31 years old. You are studying to be a veterinarian. You finally wised up and dumped the guy who's been treating you like a fuckpuppet for who knows how long. 

These things tell me that you are not stupid. At least in terms of IQ. 

Prudie was right, though. You ARE an entitled silly bitch. 

SHADDAP!

You are dating the guy your parents always told you to hunt for. I'm guessing you stalked the poor bastard like an innocent gazelle, pouncing at the first opportunity because you've told yourself that he is the farthest thing from your former loser boyfriend that you can think of. But you don't like the guy. 

You have no chemistry with this man, and his looks are a deal breaker for you (which says more about you than anything else), and you will never love him. So what is your problem? Are you keeping him around so you can show him off to the people who have been telling you that the previous idiot was...well...an idiot? 

You say, as if it's no fault of your own, "...isn't passion and attraction an essential ingredient to a healthy relationship?"

Gee, shithead, ya think? How dare you! You are letting this nice man think that you are sincerely interested in him, and you know darn well all along that you're nothing but a liar, stringing him along until the next bad boy dampens your panties for you. 

You say, "....I'm scared my family will love him so much I will be pressured into marrying him."

What are you, nine? Get over yourself. If your family can still "make" you do things you don't want to do, YOU'RE the one with the problem, not them.

Then you pop out with this little gem, "How do I improve a man without demoralizing his ego?"

Seriously? You don't get to change people. He is an adult. He is fully cooked. He has a life, and he likes it. 

You're STILL contemplating marrying this man that you are not sexually attracted to and don't respect? I've got news for you, sugar. If you really wanted to spend your life with this man, you wouldn't even notice his hair - because it's nothing more than a part of who he is. You wouldn't give a damn about his exercise habits, because you'd respect him as a human being enough to know that people who truly love each other can't be identical in all ways. 

Advice? You want advice? Break up with this guy and let him find someone who loves him. You aren't it. At the rate you're going, NO man with a lick of sense would go near you with a barge pole.

3. Ok. I have to admit that I read this letter more than once. Frankly, I couldn't finish it the first time because I was laughing so hard. I suspected that Prudie had found some ancient letter from the '60s or '70s from some village idiot who had decided to go "back to the earth" and give birth squatting in a dirt-floored yurt in someone's back yard, right next to the outhouse, conveniently located next to the chicken coop. 

But no. You're serious. You truly think that it's a good idea to force nine-year-old girl that isn't even your own child to watch you give birth. You think that seeing the blood, the crying, the yelling, the doctors, the whole nine yards will somehow be "beneficial" for your stepdaughter. 

Hoo boy. Where to start with this one....

SHADDAP! 

This is not your child. You don't get to make the decision as to whether she's in the room or not when you give birth. She HAS a mother, who apparently has more sense than either you or her ex-husband and can absolutely veto this stupid plan. Her mother even offered to go along with it...provided she was in the room to explain things to her daughter and leave the room if the kid gets upset. 

Is that good enough for you? Nooooooooooooo....you're worse than any bridezilla. It has to be your way or no way at all? I don't think so, kid. 

I'm tempted to remind you that for many generations...and we're talking HUNDREDS of generations, not just in the last 50 years or so, children got kicked out of the house when Mommy was giving birth. Even the most primitive tribes still do that. There is zero evidence that any children's sibling relationships were damaged by not seeing their sibs pop out of the cave in person, as it were. 

I'm also tempted to tell you that I can see only one benefit to having your stepdaughter watch a birth.... It's probably the best form of birth control on the planet. I can't think of anything more revolting for a kid to watch than a blood-smeared, howling infant pop out of a blood-smeared howling, sweating woman who isn't even her own mother. Having seen that, there is no damned way she'll ever want to go through it herself.

This is aside from the fact that things don't always go well in the delivery room. Prudie was bang right on that one. Watching Stepmommie give birth to her dead brother or sister? That really makes you one sick bitch. 

Leave this alone. When you are in labor, call the child's mother to take her home. She can go to the hospital AFTER you've had some sleep and her baby sibling is all pink and clean and cute, and all that stuff. 

4. There isn't a lot here. Prudie said it all. Becoming umbrage-taking-girl isn't going to get you far in business...and might just get you fired. Grow the fuck up, take your lumps, and do better next time.

______________________________

So that's it for this week, folks. I have to add a note on adoption, for all the people who are going to crap on my answer. 

My brother and sister are both adopted. He was born in 1968, she was born in 1965. This was an era when adoptions were closed. They were handled by the Province (we're Canadian), through the foster system and there were no records available to adoptive parents other than a very basic profile (for example, my brother's biomom was 16 when she had him and had come from Romania originally), the date of birth, and the hospital he was born in. 

This was never an issue for them. They never gave it a ton of thought. 

In the '80s, the laws changed. Adoptions were no longer entirely closed. A registry was set up so that the biological parents and adopted kids could register with their information IF they were interested in contacting each other. This worked extraordinarily well. See, they were only put in contact if BOTH parties wanted to meet. 

At the time, my mother put together all the information either of them needed to register if they wanted to. They chose not to register. It just wasn't that important to either of them. They still aren't interested. I don't think that's going to change.

The LW this week has an attitude that is increasingly common, and I find it very disturbing. Much focus has been placed on adopted children and their "rights" to  know their biological parents. Nowhere is there any mention of what the biological parents' rights are. These women CHOSE to give up their children. No one does this lightly or for no good reason. For whatever reason, they wanted their kids to grow up in another place. Maybe where they were was unsafe. Maybe they couldn't support their babies. 

Whatever the reason for the adoption, these women have the absolute right NOT to be in contact with the children they gave up, if that is their choice. They have the right to refuse contact without being judged for it. Their rights are just as important as anyone else's, and their choices deserve our respect.