SHADDAP!

(Photograph copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)

Ok. I'm done with this weather. Seriously. We get a teaser that spring might actually be on the way, then last weekend IT SNOWED! I hate this. After the snow came the rain, and now, just when the sun came up and I was feeling hopeful, it's freezing. I can't take it, I tell ya! It's making me crazy! I actually bought a pot of grocery store tulips today because if I don't see something blooming soon I'm pretty sure I'll go completely mad.

But I rallied. Yes kids, I did. I spent some time wondering why so many people seem to indulge themselves in childish, bitchy bullshit, then I recognized that there was something that this mood is actually good for, reread the letters here and planned my answers.

1. So, aren't you just SPECIAL?! You got a secret, you got a secret... la la la la la la. Wow. This is POWER, right? Granny "lets" a hint of a secret slip and all of a sudden you have the power to destroy potentially three, maybe four people's lives. More, even if your father has siblings. I bet you just can't wait to drop that load of shit on the family!

SHADDAP!

You know because I and a bunch of other people are telling you that most cases of Alzheimer's have NOTHING to do with the gene pool. It's a crap shoot, kid. Just like a whole bunch of other nasty, diseasey things that can happen in life. It might happen and it might not. Your Gran's "secret" is utterly meaningless in terms of anyone's health.

Ooh....but you want permission to tell, don't you? I can practically smell it. This would be perfect, you think....

Yeah, that'll show'em for not taking you to Disneyland for your tenth birthday! And don't forget that time your father wouldn't let you get a pony when you were eight! You'll show THEM what it REALLY felt like when they told you you couldn't go to the "Special Conference" with your Grade 11 Social Studies teacher at that motel on the highway. Yeah. Now they'll know how miserable you were when you were a kid when they deliberately made you suffer.

This whole mess is none of your damned business, kid. Walk away. Walk away quickly. If Grannie insists on telling you, tell her to take it up with your father or shut up. It's a bitchy and childish thing for her to do at this point and you should not be involved in that.

Besides, what difference is it going to make to anyone now? Your father grew up with HIS FATHER. That's the guy that raised him and loved him and gave him the start to his life. NOT some anonymous sperm donor at a big drunken barn dance back in the Stone Age. If you don't understand that, then no amount of ass-kicking from me is going to help you.

2. You married a crazy person. Happens to a lot of people. The old cliche about marrying in haste comes back to bite the ass of (seemingly) zillions of folks. Worse, you don't get to know the extent of the crazy until after the fact.

Your ex is a pip. This business of writing to the neighbors trying to paint your girlfriend as some sort of scarlet woman is the living end. And no, for a lot of reasons the restraining order YOU have against HER can't help your girlfriend, can it?

SHADDAP!

For someone who supposedly cares about your girlfriend, you're being pretty cavalier about her safety, aren't you? I mean, you've involved her (I know you didn't mean to, but still) in the violent life of a bitchy, childish AND crazy person who at one time smashed all the windows in your apartment because she was in a pissy mood.

Get it yet? Your ex doesn't blame YOU for the breakup any more. In her scrambled brain, the blame is now on your girlfriend. Scared yet? You should be. Your girlfriend should bloody well be scared, too. Your ex knows where she LIVES, shithead! At this point, YOUR angst over the whole thing is meaningless, don't you think?

So here you sit, worried about the bullshit non-problem of a crazy woman who told the whole neighborhood you have cooties when what you SHOULD be doing is getting rid of said crazy woman for the sake of the sane lady who you claim to care about! The neighbors aren't holding you in contempt, you idiot! They feel sorry for you! Do you honestly think they didn't know you were married to a nut long before you figured it out? I bet if you bothered to ask one of them, they'd actually give you the note they got. And you SHOULD ask for it, if you haven't already got a copy.

Is this making any sense to you yet? It's not about you any more. It's about your girlfriend. SHE'S the one that needs a restraining order. Take that copy of the letter with you to court and get help for HER stay safe. You should also change her locks and have an alarm system with a panic button installed for her right this instant!

Duh. What a moron you are. A dangerous and crazy (and childish and bitchy) person is targeting your girlfriend in a sick little revenge plot and all you can worry about is what people THINK about it? Deal with the problem and don't be a dolt. You bear some of the responsibility for keeping your girlfriend safe. Right now she is being punished for her involvement with you. Make sure she stops paying.

3. Right. You said....no... Your sister said.... no, thats not it, either. You and your sister.....

There is too much. I will sum up.

You (we'll call you One) got a call from a sister (she's Two) about your OTHER sister (Three) saying that she didn't want Three to stay in her house with a newborn. Unable to make a decision as to HOW you're going to hurt Three's feelings, you write to the internet lady hoping that she'll give you a sure-fire way to make sure that she's alienated with no questions.... Gotcha.

SHADDAP!

No one cares (really) about the why here. If Two doesn't want the kid in her house, then fine. I have to say that it's bitchy, childish and downright nasty to pretend that losing an hour or two of sleep for one freakin' night is going to kill her, but Two does seem to be a childish, nasty bitch, so we'll take that as a given.

So tell me again why YOU feel you have to obey Two and do her dirty work, thus hurting Three? Why is this your problem in the first place? I'm assuming that you get along with both of them most of the time. Have you missed the that Two and Three have loathed each other from earliest youth and put you in the middle all this time? Or are you just too thick to tell them to deal with it themselves? I'm assuming you're all at least chronological adults here.

Tell that childish, bitchy snot Two to send her own nastygrams, then call Three and tell her that you have booked a hotel room for that night and that you will be paying for it. Make sure you actually book the hotel before you make the call, too. Don't bitch about the money, either, you dolt. This is your punishment for acting like a prat in the first place.

4. Just how young are you? Seriously. How do you do your job, hell, how do you brush your teeth in the morning if you can't handle something as simple as answering a couple of questions?

SHADDAP!

In the first instance, when the ladies tell you they're getting old IT IS NOT A TRICK QUESTION. They are not being nasty, they are not being patronizing, they are not trying to make you feel bad. It's called "fishing for a compliment". It's not a very subtle thing to do, but lots do it. The correct answer is, "Nonsense. You look wonderful."

Then SHADDAP and move on with your day. Now was that so hard? No? I promise you'll survive the experience.

Now being asked whether your mother got you your job.... That one usually IS childish, bitchy and barbed. I'll bet that the people asking are wondering either why that didn't work for them or if they can actually get a job for someone else. If you work for the City of Chicago, you know what I mean. It seems that every damned city department is a separate family dynasty. No one works there that isn't related to someone else. It's like Arkansas, only the pay is better.

HOWEVER...if you do NOT live in Chicago, and the only help your mother gave you was to tell you there was an opening at her workplace, then why do you worry about that question? Just grow the hell up, give them a blank stare and walk out of the room. You don't owe anyone an answer to that question.

Duh. Any questions? Think you can handle that?

SHADDAP!

(Photograph copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)

I'm.... in a bit of a mood. I just spent the ENTIRE DAY at home, waiting for a UPS package to arrive that I have to sign for. I have gone nowhere. I put off grocery shopping until tomorrow. So, I went out to get the mail at 4:00 p.m., and what do I find? A STICKER ON THE DOOR!

That's right, kids. The guy was HERE. He didn't fucking knock. He didn't use the fucking buzzer. I know this because I haven't been on the fucking phone all day, and if he had fucking buzzed at the fucking gate the fucking phone would have twinkled its little fucking tune. He apparently just came into the fucking courtyard, wandered about a bit hoping that I'd be FUCKING PSYCHIC and know he was there, then fucked off to who knows where. There was no fucking time written on the fucking door tag, so I have no fucking idea when he was here. Asshole.

I called UPS at 4:00. They CLAIMED that they were going to get the driver to come back, but oh, look! It's 8:00! Gee, I guess it'll be MONDAY before I see that package. IF I see it. I'm done. If the driver shows up while I'm here, then great. If not, je suis the fuck outta here. I've got things to do.

But are you ready for the kicker? The really, truly fucked up shit that waiting around for that... I have no words...? I'm in CHICAGO. It was 65 degrees today. We're supposed to get FUCKING SNOW tomorrow.

Grumble. Grrrr. Which leads me to this week's letters. You can find them here .


1. You were molested by a babysitter, and sweetie believe me, I wish that had never happened. It's one of the ugliest betrayals of trust that there is. If I could erase that bit of your past for you, I would. I am so sorry that happened to you, and I imagine the legal hoo-ha that followed was almost as ugly as the crime that this ghastly excuse of a man perpetrated against you. You know that justice can never truly be done.

However.... Your parents don't seem to have done you any favors, or you charmed them and your counselor(s) into believing that he/she wasn't necessary any more (been there, did that). In either case, you need help, and no matter what some of the pop-psych morons that write books and show up on Oprah want to tell you, dwelling on this and "confronting" someone who is only tangentially connected with what happened to you is exactly the WRONG thing to do. There is no "closure" to be had from anyone, let alone your poor classmate.

So

SHADDAP!

and listen to one of the many voices of experience with stuff like this.

I understand that this young man has become a symbol for you. You look at him and somewhere in the back of your head, the person you REALLY see is his grandfather. I'm guessing that there's some kind of resemblance and when you heard his name, his identity became clear to you. You're flashing on the abuse, you're confused, and you don't know what to do. You feel thrown back in time, no doubt you're having nightmares that you thought were long over, and you want to DO something.

You also know that this is completely irrational. You KNOW that this kid in your class has no idea what his grandfather did. You KNOW that the kid was in no way responsible and has either been kept away from the man by his parents or the entire family agreed on a lie to tell everyone in his generation. Talking to him, confronting him, will do nothing. Worse, it will hurt him and cause all kinds of nasty repercussions in his family life if he believes it or open you to all kinds of trouble if he refuses to believe you or takes it up with campus authorities.

So you can't talk to him about what happened (in his terms) to someone two full generations older than he is. You know that, or you never would have asked for advice - you would have followed your impulse. I understand the impulse. I know what it feels like to want to stand in the center of a room and yell, "I was wronged", and have everyone automatically understand how you feel. I even tried the confrontation thing. I suspect that you would have the same experience I did. Half the room would feel sorry for you and do nothing. The other half would accuse you of lying. Do you want that? Do you really want to go all the way back to the beginning?

I DO know how you feel, and I'm sure that there are a lot of people around who could say the same. It's not easy. In fact, it's hard.

You have to get some more counseling. Go through your college and see if there's are any free services available to you. If you're still on your parent's health insurance, go through that to find help somewhere. USE THEM. These folks want to help, or they would never be in those jobs in the first place. They're serious about wanting you to get past the ugliness. Use whatever services you need to. Do what they tell you. Take advantage of whatever you can to get yourself healthy, or at least to a place where you can distance yourself from what happened.

See, there's one thing you need to learn now. You will never forget what was done to you. You won't "get over it". It's never going to go away. That experience, as ugly and painful as it was, will be with you for the rest of your life. You can do one of two things. You can let it define who you are and feel like a victim until the day you die. OR... You can acknowledge it, talk about it, realize that this will always be a part of you and take away the power it has over you by putting it in the past, where it belongs.

I understand your anger. I do. If anyone tells you that you should "forgive" your abuser, then you have every right to give them a solid punch in the nose and tell them that Messy said it was all right and they're full of crap. There is no forgiveness for what happened to you. Anger can give you power for the short term. It can help you survive. It can get you out of bad situations. It's no way to live your life, though. I don't recommend going to victim's groups, either. Every one I've ever run into seems to be intent on forcing its members to continue wallowing in the pain and gives them no guidance as to how to lessen it. Don't waste your time on them.

I don't know what to offer you except for what I had to learn on my own. The past is the past. It only has power over you if you allow it. YOU are the key. Put this in the past, knowing that the pain will never go away, but it can be sent to a place that will allow you to live your life. Understand that you are stronger than the pain. And hang on to that little bit of anger that you will have for the rest of your life. Every time you shy away from a situation, every time some word or smell makes you feel that kid again, use the anger. Tell yourself that you will not let that SOB win. He has no right to that kind of power over you and YOU are the only one that can take it back from him.

And don't wait until you're in your thirties to figure that out, all right?


2. So. Like thousands upon thousands of generations of children before him, your child saw you HAVING SEX (more on that later) and YOU'RE the one that's freaked out?

SHADDAP!

Moron. I can see it now. If you SHADDAP, your child will forget the entire thing, never ask you about it and it will be just fine. He'll get a degree, make a nice living, meet some nice girl, make a couple of nice babies, and have a lot of fun until he dies, the patriarch of a happy family, secure in the knowledge that he has taken care of everyone who is important to him.

You don't want to do that, though, do you? No, even though HE doesn't care that you and Daddy were playing WWF in the dark, by God you're going to MAKE HIM UNDERSTAND that he SHOULD be traumatized, right? Then, you'll send him to some sort of counselor who will make sure that he really IS traumatized, and that he's "bad" and "evil" for opening that door in the middle of the night.

By the time he's in his twenties, he'll be so freaked about anything to do with sex that he'll vow to live in your basement to the end of his days. He'll never touch a girl - how could he after you trained him to be terrified? For the fifteen minutes he's in college, he'll castrate himself so that there's NO CHANCE that he'll ever have sex because YOU made sure to teach him just how evil it is, right?

Ok. Whatever. You're a moron and I'm fairly sure that no matter what anyone says, you're going to be having this little fit for the rest of your natural life. You've watched too much Oprah and Dr. Phil to comprehend that this is only as big a deal as YOU MAKE IT....idiot. Besides, having fits is your favorite form of entertainment (aside from "private time") and far be it from me to inject any common sense into your pointed little head. Just wear a hat so no one notices.

I'm sure enough people have told you by now that "private time" is a pretty goddamned lame euphemism for having sex. Take the lesson. Frankly, in the Messy household, "private time" is a euphemism for a far more....earthy bodily function. "I need some private time" is used in the same instance as "I have to drop some kids at the pool" or "don't set foot in that bathroom for a good half hour".

You know that. It's okay to use the "s" word when sex is what you're doing. Oh, and put a fucking lock on that bedroom door, why don't you? It's what the rest of the world does. Duh.


3. You were a baby when you hooked up with the ONE GUY that you ever went out with in your entire life, you know he's a loser, but you're going to marry the idiot (if he ever finds his balls for long enough to ask) anyway. Whatever. I'm finding it hard to care. One day, you'll either run his mother down in a mall parking lot out of sheer frustration or you'll supplant her and find out that you didn't get a man, you got a toddler.

Either way, you're going to end up in living color on this web site , wondering how you ended up wiping an able-bodied grown man's ass for him while he whines that "mommy did it better."

SHADDAP!

See, your potential MIL is NOT the problem. Her son is. She wouldn't be able to run his life if he didn't let her. See, you've told him how you feel, and if he loved you or was at all mentally not fucked up, he would have told Mommy to back off. But YOU DON'T MATTER TO HIM, so he will never do that. Got it? No?

What do I have to do, hit you over the head with the "common sense" stick? Geez Louise, kid, what's it going to take for you to realize that YOU DON'T MATTER TO HIM. I promise you that if you walked out tomorrow, your "fiance" wouldn't miss you for a second. Sure, he'd call Mommy for some sympathy, but nothing in his life would change. Got it?

I have another guarantee for you, too. If Mommy tells this "great love" of yours that she doesn't like the way you "interfere" with THIER relationship, you'll be out on your ass so fast you won't even hear the door slam. All because you're too thick to understand that YOU DON'T MATTER TO HIM.

Here's a rule for you. If total strangers are telling you that you should get the hell out of a situation, then DO IT.


4. You're fucking kidding me, right? You got a "save the date" from a virtual stranger and this disturbs you so much that you have to write to the Internet Lady and disturb MY day with this shit?

SHADDAP!

For the record, and for all the posters that made assumptions, I know that you are not a lawyer. Probably you are a secretary, what with the whole "living paycheck to paycheck" thing. Even then, none of this matters.

THROW THE CARD IN THE GARBAGE. Now see how good that feels? It was a pointless gesture on his part to put you on any list at all, because he had to know that you won't be going to the wedding (unless you're a complete social idiot, and I have some thoughts on that...).

If, by some strange freak mistake you get an actual invitation... fill out the "can't make it" box on the RSVP card, plop it in the mail (you still know how to lick a stamp, right?) and forget about it.

Oh yeah. Almost forgot. If THIS is your biggest problem......fill in the blanks.

Yeesh.

SHADDAP!

(Photograph copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)


You know, this week I'm on vacation. I'm finding it hard to muster any snark at all. You'd think that after shamelessly skipping last week, I'd be raring to go, but I have to say that watching the sun set over the Rockies whilst drinking a glass of very nice red wine is really not conducive to letting loose on these moronic LWs in quite the way they deserve......

All right. The guilt is getting to me and these people are really, really FREAKIN' STUPID! Short answers. As always the source material is here .


1. Let me see....you're a single VERY horny 38-year-old man with a cute babysitter that gives every indication that she wants to be your love monkey for the forseeable future...and you aren't sure what to do.

SHADDAP!

and I'LL tell you what SHE wants. Ready? Because it ain't pretty, sonny.

What she sees is a relatively good-looking 38-year-old guy who owns a lovely home, has no money issues and in her eyes (whether it's true or not) is very well off. Ok so far?

She doesn't want hot monkey love as much as she wants....your life. She figures that since your son already likes her and you're showing signs that you want to date again....and she'll do ANYTHING at this point to move right in and be your wife. Not because she's madly in love with you, chump. Not because she feels sorry for you.... Are you ready for this? Because I don't think you are....

See, you are CATNIP for little bibsy titsies that think being taken care of for the rest of her life beats the hell out of working for a living. Good so far? You are her meal ticket. She wants another degree, you silly ass. It's called an Mrs. Has that penetrated your brain yet...no. NOT that brain, dumbass, the one between your ears.

She figures that if she hooks you and manages to get a ring on her finger, the next thing you know, she'll be knocked up and YOU, my lad, will be on the hook for at LEAST 21 years.

Now, if she's a gold digger with a brain, she knows that pumping out a couple of kids with you will help keep you from divorcing her while she rips through your assets in her "kept woman" fantasies and if you get sick of it or see through her in the end, what does she care? She'll be able to make a living on child support for years!

So. Make your decision. You now know what she's REALLY after. Go ahead and indulge. Knock yourself out. Have a blast. Bonk her until you go blind. But if you don't take care of birth control yourself, know for a fact that you'll be a daddy again real soon.

(Some men are such fucking suckers. Honestly how transparent does a chickie-boo have to be before they get it? Yeesh.)


2. See, and this is why I spend a fair amount of time shaking my head and muttering to myself. I don't know how long I'll last with this stuff sometimes. I ask myself, "Self, are people really as stupid as this?"

Then I have to answer myself, "Why yes. Yes, people really are as fucked up, selfish and ugly as all that."

It's sad, and at the same time, I just want to point my finger and laugh, like you're always tempted to do at those kids that have their asses hanging out of their jeans and the gray-haired ladies who dye their hair eggplant purple and wear the color that I like to call "Menopause Mauve". You can't ACTUALLY do that, of course. After all, the kids are probably in some sort of gang and the grannies are probably packing iron.... but you WANT to do that, if you get my meaning.

Sigh. I have to answer, right? You're expecting it and everything... Here goes:

Dear Stupid Silly Messed-Up Bitch,

SHADDAP!

Where do you get off telling people when they're allowed to get pregnant? Did you really think that your MIL WANTED to get pregnant now? Why the hell should she want to have another kid when she's already raised and gotten rid of a set? She should be having fun while her boobs still look good instead of raising another little spud!

But no, she's trying to make the best of the situation and at least TRY to have fun with her little one while she's young enough to be the relaxed parent that she didn't know how to be in her twenties. She has, after all, made her mistakes once and had time to reflect on them. Now she has her chance to do this up right...and she no doubt will.

Then she runs into the selfish, ignorant, idiotic little twat that her son had bad enough taste to marry.

I got news for you, sugar. First, this is your SECOND child. You don't get all the fuss and fun the second time around. Like a shower. You DON'T get a shower with the second kid. Or you shouldn't. No one is going to make a big deal out of the fact that you're pumping out #2. It doesn't work that way.

You don't get to bitch about this. You aren't allowed. Keep this up and not only will your MIL tell you to go to hell and leave her alone, your husband will tell you to stop being a bitch to HIS MOTHER. Face it - she was the first woman in his life, she loves him no matter what, and if he has an ounce of sense, he will tell you to

SHADDAP!

Raise your own spawn, you little snotrag. Leave other people's kids alone. Leave other people alone. No one gives a rat's ass what you think, but if you keep saying it out loud, you could get....single with two kids once your husband figures out (finally) what an unholy, nasty bitch he married.


3. Your friend is working for a company that has her in a country that you don't think is civilized enough. Is that the gist? You want her to stand on YOUR principles and join the ranks of the unemployed, IF she wants to keep you for a friend, that is.

SHADDAP!

Are you planning on paying her bills? Funding her retirement? No? Really?

See, I see another little pathology at work here. According to you, your friend has "sterling credentials". She's probably making an excellent wage, because no one leaves the country to work unless they're well compensated. No doubt she's getting a living allowance and a whole lot of perks (like free trips home a couple of times a year) in return for going off to a faraway place for the sake of her job.

So tell me.... why the hell should she quit HER job to make YOU happy?

Ah. Ok. I see your problem. Jealous, much? You have a fair idea what she's making and you have no hope of ever doing the same, do you? You took Sociology and a whole lot of human rights courses with a minor in "Stick Up The Ass" which means you're virtually unemployable because almost no one wants someone as insufferable as you around for fifteen minutes, let alone eight hours at a time.

Nice. So you get what you consider to be the moral high ground, but she gets the money, and you're getting just old enough to realize how badly you screwed yourself. Is that it?

You might "think her conduct is immoral", but I guarantee if you keep nagging her, she'll think you're what's called in not-so-polite society as a "pain in the ass". Keep it up and you won't get the chance to snub her and show her the error of her ways. SHE'LL dump you like a hot rock for being a self-righteous prig.

Don't worry, though. You'll be able to vent your PC bullshit down at the vegan coffee house, then go home to your uninsulated attic in a Victorian rattletrap house in the wrong part of town for YEARS. While you're being a self-righteous asshole, she'll be planning her retirement in a nice warm climate with her nice husband and her gorgeous house complete with swimming pool. I can guarantee that she won't be thinking of YOU at all.

You can be jealous for the rest of your life though. You have a good start on that already. You have your moral superiority to keep you warm, right?


4. Hm. You have polydactyly. Cool. I bet all the other kids thought that was nifty, especially when you showed them your scars and told them the whole gory tale. Kids are kinda gross that way, aren't they? Ah well. Ya gotta love'em!

SHADDAP!

Kid, it's nice that you're thinking of such things before you marry. Seriously. It shows that you at least know what a thought process is, and that's nice to see, but

SHADDAP! again.

First, if your potential wife loved you, she wouldn't care if you were descended from dinosaur-like aliens and there was a real risk your children could come out with scales and really big teeth. Seriously, it's true.

Second... if your girlfriend doesn't already know about the extra digits, then there is NO WAY you're ready to even consider marriage without dating the poor girl for AT LEAST another year.

Relax. Tell her. Dump her if it creeps her out.

So...why did you have to ask the Internet Lady about this? Don't you have parents?