SHADDAP! Cry Me A River Edition.

(Photograph copyright 2011, all rights reserved.)

Meet Nini (pronounced knee-knee). She is almost three years old and has the most stress-free life of anyone I know. In this photo, she is sun-worshipping. Her technique is to lie in the direct sun until you'd swear she's going to catch fire,  then she gets up, has a stretch and a drink and heads for a shady spot. Once she's cooled off a bit, she's back in the sun. This will go on for as long as the sun is coming in that doorway and since it faces South, that's pretty much all day.

She knows she's adorable and that humans are suckers who will give her treats and belly rubs whenever she asks. She also knows she's the boss of the house. When asked what she actually DOES and if someone suggests that she should catch some vermin and earn her keep, her answer is, "What? Mice? In MY house? See any? My job is done."

Sigh. Looks like a nice life, doesn't it?

Too bad humans have to go hunting for trouble, isn't it? Wouldn't it be nice if humans could just take a few minutes and lie in the sun on a nice rug? But no. And today's LWs are living proof... find the letters here: http://www.slate.com/id/2299167


1. So, to summarize, in your tender teen years you dated a guy who later went on to become Famous Rock Star Guy and you're still bitter about it because he dumped you and said you weren't cool enough for him. He phrased it badly because he was a kid in the throes of the teenaged stupids, but it could have been a lot worse.

Now you've added a lot of crap about how he knocked you up and you didn't tell him, lost the baby, didn't go to college for awhile, yadda yadda yadda, and you were traumatized, your life is over, he done you wrong, woe is little old you, and so on. Never mind the fact that he had nothing to do with your choice not to go to school, get some counseling if you needed it  and move on with your life.

In fact, your entire life seems to be centered around something that you had no control over and that the poor bastard who dumped you didn't do! Tell Messy now. Did you keep one of his old sweatshirts, constantly soaked with your tears? Is his old cell phone number still on your speed dial, seven years later?

NOW, you want petty revenge in the form of cash for pictures of him nekkid that you thought were long since gone.

SHADDAP!

You silly bitch.

You have a problem all right, but HE has nothing to do with it. I can just see you spending all your time listening to his music, sobbing your eyes out, telling everyone how evil he was to you, how you coulda been his Linda or his Yoko or whatever...

SHADDAP! again.

What a load of shit. Get over yourself, sugar.

See, this guy never knew you were pregnant - that's if you really were and didn't insert that bit for the sake of the drama. Even if he did, you're dreaming in Technicolor if you think for one instant that he would still be with you if you had the baby. He may have said he dumped you because of the coolness factor, but face it, this was HIGH SCHOOL. Virtually NO ONE stays with their high school sweetie for eternity.

Your rock star ex knows you better than you think. He knows all about your perpetual attention-seeking drama. He knows you've been wallowing in the "I knew him when" nonsense that you clearly think gives you some sort of sick status. Why do you think he dumped you in the first place, dippy? He fears quite justly that you'll try to screw him over out of spite. He's right, too, isn't he? That's your plan, after all.

He dumped you for a lot of very good reasons and they're all plain to see in this letter. Now he just wants  to let the party and the sound rock on without having to deal with some whiny, obsessed, ancient history ex. I can't blame him for that in the least. He's right.

Prudie's right. If you own copyright to those photos, sell them to his agent. I won't tell you to just delete them and make them go away for all time, because that would be the classy thing to do and I know that's utterly alien to you.


2. Well, aren't you a piece of work? To summarize again... for, what 15 years(?), your wife has taken a vacation to Florida alone. She did this long before you knew her and she let you know up front that she has no intention of stopping that tradition.

So what the hell is your problem? You want to be invited? Why? She told you repeatedly that this is her time to be alone and decompress, this is not news to you. She did it before she knew you, while she was dating you, and has continued. This is nothing new.

SHADDAP!

What an asshole! Why would you assume that she's screwing around at this late date? Are you projecting? Would YOU like to screw around? Do you demand to know who was at the grocery store when she was there? Do you accuse her of screwing the postman, the UPS guy and the kid that mows the lawn? Are you that obsessive?

Get over yourself, jerk. This woman never once lied to you. She told you what she was doing, where she was going, and that this is a tradition that she intends to keep. Everything has been perfectly transparent all along. You have no reason to suspect her of doing anything untoward, you're just being nosy. I disagree with Prudie. She doesn't "owe" you an "explanation" for what she does. You already know.

See, even married people need time alone. Getting married, for normal people, means that two people agree to share their lives. This does NOT mean that they're obliged never to be out of body contact until they die, you moron. You and your wife are married, but you are also individuals. If she needs this trip once a year, then she should go. It's not like she never goes anywhere with you. You admit that you take vacations together all the time.

One week out of 52 is a small price to pay for marital harmony. But you aren't interested in marital harmony. No, your only interest is to brand her as yours and never let her out of your sight.

Go ahead. Kick and scream and whine about not being invited. Tell her your suspicions. Act like a spoiled toddler. Better yet, go into creepy stalker mode and follow her when she leaves. Show her what a jealous, obnoxious child she married. THAT will show her!

Be prepared, though. If you keep up acting like you are now, I predict that within a year you won't have to worry about her going somewhere without you. You'll either be too occupied with wondering if Boobsie911 is ever going to "like" you on that dating service or building a cage in the basement for the next woman you get on the hook.

*shudder*


3. Wow. So the Casey Anthony verdict pissed you off a little, eh? I never would have guessed. You even go so far as to say, "I wish someone would throw acid in her face and gouge out her eyes."

SHADDAP!

I don't even know where to start with this. Ok.

First, you flaming moron, you must have a pretty easy life if you have so much time to obsess over a case that is OVER. Done. Finished. In fact, the woman was found not guilty of murder, but guilty of lying to the police. You don't have all of the facts. You don't know exactly what went on. You never will know these things. No one will. That's the way it goes sometimes. Deal.

It's the threat you made that makes me wonder, though. Why are you obsessing so much over this particular case? As public as this trial was, the charges are nothing new. Parents kill their kids every day. I have no doubt that thousands of kids go missing every year and there are many, many little corpses littering obscure wilderness areas.

In fact, the detail involved in your fantasy suggests that you are a far sicker puppy than Ms. Anthony is. You sound like you're on the brink of a psychotic break. Do you work? Have you ever made these types of threats to anyone else? Have you ever been involuntarily committed to a mental institution? Because you should be.

Prudie suggests that you volunteer somewhere. I suggest that you volunteer to check yourself into a happy place with trees and flowers and chirping birds, and basket weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes.... before they come to take you away.


4. Talk about borrowing trouble! So your sister sends her kid's photo to cute baby sites, hoping to win prizes. It pisses you off.

SHADDAP!

First, you can quit pretending that you're somehow trying to protect this kid from some sort of vague exploitation. If you weren't a complete idiot, you'd realize that this kid is a BABY. Photos of gurgling babies are cute and unlikely to come back and "haunt" them. Except that people might one day tell him what a cute baby he was.

Your sister enters these contests because of the potential for swag. These contests are usually held by companies that  give away things like diapers, clothing, strollers, etc. as prizes for the number of votes the kid gets. Be proud of her for her sense of thrift.

As for your REAL problem, the constant e-mails, so the heck what? Delete them. Duh.

Then get over yourself. You don't get to dictate what your sister does with pictures of her little drooler. If that baby's parents don't have a problem with it, that's just the way it is. As Ann Landers would say, it's a "nunuvyerbizness" situation.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Gee whiz, are people really so bored with their lives that they have nothing better to do than stick their noses into other peoples business? Are their lives so easy that they have the time and energy to obsess over something that should have been forgotten years ago?

Sigh. Oh well. I'm off to wallow in the sun. So there. Nini has the right idea - smart kitty.

Save us from the stupid!

(Photographs copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)

The photos above are from our last trip to Japan in November of last year. They're all random except for the last one. For those that don't recognize it, there is a board like this in front of almost every temple in the country. For a fee, anyone can buy a small wooden plaque from the monks, who will inscribe a wish or a prayer on them before they're tied to the board with the rest.

The people I know that are from Japan are frantic with worry. They can't stop watching the news. It's a horrible, helpless feeling to be in a safe place when the people they care about are suffering. There are food lines in Tokyo as well as the rest of the country. Some schools are still closed. Many people are unable to get back to work. Some workplaces are never going to reopen. Everything is in the air and nobody knows what's going to happen next. Rolling blackouts are now the norm as power plants are being repaired or shut down.

Consider this to be my little plaque. Best wishes and to the Japan and all of its wonderful people. To my friends, I'm thinking of you.


And now, to the letters! Find them here .


1. See? Here's the perfect storm of stupid in one letter!

The writer is a man in his 60s, recently diagnosed with a cancer that will ultimately be fatal. He is trying to finagle a way to leave money to his 40-something fuckpuppet after his death. He's been seeing the fuckpuppet for years under the nose of his wife who he can only describe as a "good earner".  Nice, right?

So the upshot is that he wants his WIFE, who he's been cheating on for over a decade, to give him his cancer drugs, clean up his vomit, and wipe his ass and THEN find out he'd been fucking around on her after he dies.

At least, that's my interpretation of the mess......... he needs to

SHADDAP!

...and pay attention, right kids?

Your wife is GOING to find out about the fuckpuppet, asshole. It may be after you're dead, but there is no way you can hide the amount of money you're giving to chickie-baby without your wife finding out. No matter how sneaky you try to be, and I know you're an expert, this bequest is not going to stay a secret.

And then you know what's going to happen. If you don't, I'll make that prediction for you. Your wife will loathe the very thought of you. She will feel cheated and used - and she'd be right about that. Your children will hate you with a passion reserved only for the worst mass-murderers in the history of the planet. If there's a family Bible, your name will be crossed out with a Magic Marker. Your grandchildren will never know your name. Your dog will pee on your ashes (provided they haven't been flushed down the loo already).

But you don't care about any of that, right? You knew what you were doing from the moment you met Miss I-Like-Fucking-Married-Men. You KNEW what kind of hurt you were going to cause. You KNEW that you were doing something hideously wrong, that you were being unfair to your wife and children. You KNEW that the honorable thing to do would be to ask your wife for a divorce so that she would have a chance to find someone who loved her and not her earning power.

You claim that you have real feelings for the fuckpuppet. YOU might. Why don't you test her? Tell her that you're going to leave your wife. If she doesn't head for the hills then, ask her if she'll marry you. If she's STILL planning to stick around (doubtful) tell her about the cancer. I'm betting that she drops you like a hot rock.

See, she's fucking a married man because she knows that you'll go back home to your wife, leaving her to have a nice, serene life. It's been easy for her - getting laid, getting gifties, having her freedom. You didn't really think you were the only one in her life, did you? After all, you're no spring chicken, and a girl has to take care of herself before she loses her looks, right? So she's probably already got someone else on the string by now... you know, someone not in the Viagra set, someone with more earning potential, someone who...still thinks he can kid himself his wife won't find out.

You could go all sensitive '70s guy and tell your wife everything, throwing yourself on her mercy and hoping that she'll forgive you... Yeah. Right. No you won't. You live and breathe lies, don't you? You're nothing more than a terrified little boy now, aren't you?

Everything now hinges on your fear. You know that the fuckpuppet won't take care of you. You also know that your wife will divorce you if she finds out, taking half of the marital property - which she's bloody well earned, by the way - and leave you on your own to die with only your checkbook to keep you company. So you'll die before you tell her.

When your wife and family find out about this bequest, my advice to them would be to contest your will. They'll inevitably win. Judges don't tend to look at fuckpuppets kindly, especially if they have the gall to show up in court. If life is fair, your fuckpuppet not only won't get YOUR money, she'll have to spend HERS. On legal fees.

Karma's a bitch. Shoulda thought of that before, right?


2. Ooh, the angst! How can people be so goddamned dumb and still be alive? How do they make it to adulthood without getting killed in traffic or eaten by a bear? I would really like to know these things.

Here we have a guy (I'm assuming "guy", so don't bother me with gender), who feels sooooooooooooo bad about the earthquake and tsunami in Japan that he wants to troop around his favorite sushi place, apologizing to total strangers.

Yeesh.

SHADDAP!

Listen moron, Prudie was right.

SHADDAP!

Do you run around apologizing to random lizards about the fate of the dinosaurs? Do you seek out people whose loved ones have been dead for decades to give them your condolences? Would you be surprised if someone laughed in your face or socked you in the jaw when you did that?

Idiot. No one gives a rat's behind about your feelings here. YOU don't count in the face of the many tragedies happening in Japan right now. You don't get to tell random strangers what you think, because.....random strangers will probably call the cops and you'll find yourself in a padded cell...

Give money to charity. If there's a relief fund, contribute. Other than that,

SHADDAP! (for the third time already)


3. Ah yes... more stupid.

This guy has heard a rumor that a couple that he and his wife sorta know are starving their kids, and his "proof" is that both of this couple are skinny and the kids stuff themselves at every opportunity. Now that he's heard this, he's convinced himself that he can see behavioral issues with the kids that makes him think that they're starving to death and will keel over any minute now.

His solution? Dump them and never see them again.

Oy.

SHADDAP!

Your wife is absolutely right. These are your friends, and if you're REALLY concerned, why would you cut them off? What if the rumor you heard was true and the kids ARE suffering? Is that ok with you as long all you don't have to actually SEE it? You'd seriously go with that solution?

Wouldn't it make more sense if you saw them occasionally and paid attention to the kids when you did?   Ya think?

Prudie was right. Skinny adults tend to have skinny kids. If those kids are anything like I was as a little spud, their mother is probably stuffing them like little geese while they grow like weeds. There was a time when I could scarf down three hamburgers at a sitting and have two pieces of cake for dessert, but you'd never know it to look at me, scrawny thing that I was. How do you know that's not what's happening here?

You don't. You don't know anything. All you see is a couple of hungry kids at meal times and you have no clue what's really going on in that house. Now if you see evidence that really concerns you - if you can see bones on the kids, for example, or if they're unresponsive and don't want to play, THEN you can say something. THEN you can write to the doctor.

In the meantime, all you have is dubious opinion from a rumor-mongering "friend" who's probably still stinging because when she accused this woman of starving her kids, she was told to go to hell and mind her own bloody business.

Idiot.


4. Oh dear. Is being a moron genetic? Here I have my doubts.

A daughter (because no man would do this) has decided that throwing a surprise anniversary party for her parents is somehow a good idea. But..... I know you're all aquiver.... she inadvertently invited a friend of her mother's who is a FORMER friend. Oh the horror! Whatever shall she do?

*slapping forehead*

SHADDAP!

Cancel the party. Now. Send a note of apology to those that have RSVPed and plan a real party instead. Seriously, you silly ass. Cancel it. Never, ever consider doing this again. Never. If you're tempted, arrange to have someone beat you about the head with a banana peel.

Surprise parties are ALWAYS a bad idea. ALWAYS. Nobody likes them. No, no argument.

SHADDAP!

Nobody enjoys these things. They always end in tears. Either the surprisee is bitterly resentful or the surpriser gets smacked around and dumped forever from the guest list.

Weirdly, Cary Tennis had a surprise party question this week. It was a different sitch - husband who was in the process of dumping his wife was going to throw a surprise party for her anyway (creep). He, along with a couple of other columnists he cited - and I'm not going to look it up, because you can do this yourself - agrees that all surprise parties are universally a stupid idea and not to be attempted by anyone with half a brain.

Why? Again, I won't quote, I'll summarize. Look it up on Salon if you want to. He feels that these events are manipulative and controlling. They force someone to grit their teeth and smile through an event that they hate and don't want. I agree.

Surprise parties are things that only seem like a good idea to stupid people who assume that everyone else is as stupid as they are.  Either that, or they're thrown by malicious people who get a kick out of watching people they're supposed to respect and care about squirm uncomfortably for an audience.

So don't go there. Just. Don't.

Moron.

SHADDAP! Your "Dumb" is Hurting My Ears!

(Photographs copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)

I have to say, this entire week has put me into exactly the right mood to deliver well-deserved SHADDAPs! to the letter writers this week. Monday and Tuesday I had jury duty - a guy who was in a fairly serious fender-bender with a city vehicle decided TWO YEARS LATER that he needs major bucks for pain and suffering, even though he admits nothing ever hurt that badly and he was fine within weeks after the accident. He lost. 

This morning, after a full week of mind-blowing, tree-knocking-down, roof-destroying winds, the temperature was in the low forties when I got up and we're supposed to have frost tonight. I am not ready for frost. Some would say that I'm NEVER ready for frost, but I don't care. It's not even Halloween yet, and that  makes it too early for things to freeze. On the up side, I do get to wear my cool new boots. Still.....

So we're off. The original letters are here .

1. WOE, OH WOE! HOW EVER SHALL WE GO ON? BOO HOO..... WAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! 

SHADDAP!

To recap...... You and your girlfriend stayed with her Jesus-freaky genitals-are-for-peeing-only-until-you're-married parents' vacation home one weekend. Neither of you were thrilled to be put in separate rooms, so you sneaked out into the back yard to do the wild thing in the middle of the night when the rest of the world was supposed to be asleep........ and they weren't. Or at least Grannie wasn't. Asleep that is. 

NOW...the world is about to end. What you thought might be a stupid stunt proved to be a stupid stunt after all. Hmmm. Never second-guess your stupid meter again, ok? Just because you and your girlfriend couldn't wait until Sunday night to get all crotchy with each other, Grannie might go into a home! Woe, indeed! 

SHADDAP AGAIN!

Now, I have to wonder a little bit about Grannie. You SAY that everyone knows she's "a bit senile". Maybe she is. The fact that she's obsessing about it a week (or weeks) later is a pretty good indicator that the old marbles are rolling in more empty space than they used to. I can guarantee there's not much wrong with her eyesight if she saw the two of you frolicking in the dark! Then again, she didn't recognize either of you.....

There are two things that BOTH of you horny little fuckbunnies can do here. First, you can tell all, take the lecture about how you're both going to Hell for fornication and let her parents force your girlfriend (who started this whole sleigh ride in the first place) to wear stainless steel panties and stay locked in their basement until she dies of old age. I guess it's the "noble" thing to do, right? Judging by your letter, it's punishment that you're after, right?

OR..... and this is going to get me in trouble, you can say nothing. Let Grannie call the cops. They'll laugh themselves silly and tell her that IF she saw someone (remember, you're silent through this, twit), there is no way they're going to waste their time looking for two consenting adults who were "doing what comes naturally" weeks ago. 

THEN .... the family will take this as the sign that they've clearly been hunting for for ages and use it as a convenient excuse to put the old bird into a senior's apartment where, if you believe what you read, she'll be having the best sex of her life within fifteen minutes of her arrival. Oh, those horny seniors! Remember the massive "scandal" about the STD transmissions in nursing homes? They're going to have to give the old girl some condoms when she moves in! 

Hmm. Keeping quiet is looking better and better, isn't it? You might as well relax, then. The old girl was on a one-way trip to the Grannie Hut anyway.... all you did was provide a handy-dandy excuse for her kids to shuffle her in that direction.

2. WAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! BOO HOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *Sob* *gulp*  WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!!!! THAT BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!! MY LIFE IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHADDAP!

Oh baruther! Do you realize just how stupid you sound? Do you? You got married and found out SIX MONTHS LATER that your father was fucking your Mommy's BFF who was also your wedding planner, ever since you've been obsessing about how SHE ruined your wedding? Destroyed your memories? 

Give me a goddamned break, you moron. Oh, and SHADDAP!  a hundred times. 

Listen you self-indulgent whining little snot rag. This affair was none of your business. I know your mother has MADE it your business with her whining and bitching and bringing up the affair every time she sees you.... but why do you let her do this? You have got to be well into your thirties, and you STILL let Mommy tell you what to do? WTF? 

You're not ALLOWED to watch your own wedding video? You're going to destroy YOUR veil, just because your Mommy doesn't want to look at it? Huh? Does Mommy live in your closet? Do you still ask her opinion on the best way to wipe your ass, too? Has it ever occurred to you that MOMMY is the one with the problem here? See, you claim that your parents made nice and all is well with them now. Surely you don't believe that! Your mother is still obsessing and YOU are permitting her to drag you into her drama. She hasn't forgiven your father at all...

See sugar, you're mad at the wrong person here. What about Daddy? Did the "other woman" hogtie him and force him to have sex with her? Hell no! Your beloved Daddy was the one that dropped his pants! HE chose to lie to your mother. HE chose to cheat. HE's the one that was sneaking around. Picture this, if you want to get mad at someone..... Your Daddy, rolling around on the floor of the "other woman's" sewing room, screwing like bunnies while YOUR VEIL was on the sewing machine! How does that work for you?

NOW do you feel better? No? You're still going to be "forced" to spend thousands renewing your vows so that your Mommy will feel better about some overpriced photos of you and your husband wearing inappropriately formal clothing at a contrived event that no one really wants to go to, anyway? 

What does your husband think of this, dumbass? Or does he even count, except as a prop to stand beside you at an event that really had more to do with you getting the one and only photo op of your life than anything resembling "love"? Did you even ask his opinion? Now THAT would be interesting. I would love to see the letter he'd write...

"Dear Internet Lady,

My wife can't keep her snout out of other people's business and is now spending the mortgage money on a phony wedding that we're only having to make her sex-obsessed, Looney Tunes, control-freak of a mother happy...."

3.  IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!! I'M GONNA HOLD MY BREATH UNTIL I TURN BLUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST WATCH ME BANG MY HEAD ON THE WALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHADDAP!

Cry me a river, loser. You found out that someone better educated than you, and from the sounds of it a whole lot more pleasant to deal with, is making a lousy six grand more per year? So? Whaddaya want? Maybe a Marsha the Martyr sticker to wear on your forehead at work every day?

Oh sure. You can take the advice that some people on Slate have given you and "negotiate" for more money. You can even run to your boss and tell him/her that you "found out" that this co-worker is making more than you are. You can raise a stink. You can whine, bawl, cry, moan, spread rumors, bitch and complain.... do whatever you want. 

I guarantee that your boss will take one look at you and decide that you're more trouble than you're worth, especially if the company can get someone with a Master's degree for a measly six grand more than they're paying you. Had you considered that?

All it will get you is a trip to Joblessville, and in this economy, do you really want to go there? 

Wait, moron. Ask for more money later if you want...but be prepared not to get it. Not for awhile, anyway.

4. *HORK* *BARF* oooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh *RUMBLE* I'M GONNA DIE!  *SPLAT* *FLUSH* NEVER AGAIN ............... IHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOU.....

SHADDAP!

Yeesh. Another one...

Ok. Twice you've eaten at another couple's house and twice you've gotten sick. My sympathies. Having just had another visit from my good friends Sam'n'Ella myself, I can tell you that I feel your pain. 

But you didn't have food poisoning, you flaming idiot! YOU got sick. No one else did, did they? How do I know this? Ask me...Ok, I'll tell you how I know... Because with your shitty attitude and willingness to throw blame around there's NO WAY you wouldn't have been howling to the moon throughout your entire letter if someone else had joined you in your worship of the Great White Porcelain God, Ralph.

You say that "...nothing they touch will ever enter my mouth again..." without even considering telling them what happened! How stupid can you be? Obviously something you ate made you sick - and no one else. Do you think your friends did this on purpose? What did they do, do you think? Do you think they were wandering around the grocery store saying to each other, "Gee, it's time to try and kill that dumbass again?"

Why the hell is it (and for those of you who have heard me go on about this before, talk among yourselves for a bit) that people are so frightened to TALK to each other? Has it not occurred to you that this might be a GOOD THING? If you can find out what made you sick, you can avoid it in the future and not get blindsided by it again. Duh. 

Prudie's (and others) advice on this was to take them out for dinner, or feed them at your place or something.... It's all bullshit. You need talk to these people WITHOUT whining, or blaming or any of the other spiteful shit you seem to eager to spew, and try and find out what happened. If you do this, I can guarantee that you will never get sick at their place again.

Moron.

SHADDAP! Worlds of Dumb Edition

(Photographs copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)

Here we are again on another Goldilocks day! That's what The Boy has taken to calling days when it's a not too hot/not too cold, sun shining, birds chirping, non-windy fall day. I like it, so I'm going to use it. Probably he stole it, too, but I don't care. It's 60 degrees and sunny here in the City of Wind, with (ironically) very little wind. So there!

Naturally, I'm indoors....writing this. Mermaid's right. There's something just a little odd in that, isn't there? However, we're off!

For the original letters, read Dear Prudie .


1. I'd like to say I feel for you. I would. Seriously... but this has to be some kind of joke, right? Here you are, admitting that "(g)rowing up, I was quick to fly off the handle," and that you not only lost your temper with your sister again recently, but subjected her to a vicious, abusive harangue that ended with her not only not accepting your apology, but giving as good as she got, probably for the first time in her life.

THEN.... you have the nerve to say that you're "...broken-hearted that a sister I love and respect would say such horrible things..." to you? Some "love and respect". Funny, I didn't know it was all right to show "love and respect" by screaming at people for no good reason.

SHADDAP!


Let's review....You were a little shit as a kid. You got worse as an adolescent. You've spent your life throwing tantrums and hurling invective around your family, especially at your sister, and NOW you're surprised that she wants nothing to do with you?

You know what? I'm on your sister's side. You're an asshole.

Wake up, dippy. You finally got on your sister's last nerve. It took awhile, but you managed it. In one swell foop, you reminded her of all the shitty things you said to her when you were kids and all of the fake apologies you gave only because your parents forced you to. All it took was ONE LOOK at your face, ugly with rage, and she had had enough.

You heard me. You've been dishing out the shit for so long that when ONE PERSON calls you on your crappy behavior you're shocked, you bullying jerk.

What the hell did you expect, dolt? How many rotten things have you said to and about your sister over the years? Be honest. You were power-tripping on your whole family, weren't you? You discovered when you were just a tiny sprog that all you had to do was yell and go red in the face and everyone would do their best to placate you and you LOVED that, right?

That was one hell of a power trip, wasn't it? You got to control everyone around you, just by getting/acting angry. All you had to do was say the words "I'm sorry" and that was the end of it. Your parents chose to permit you to abuse everyone in the house and you took full advantage. They bear some responsibility, because this tantrum habit of yours is something they could have tried to stop, and it seems they didn't bother. Then again, nice people have trouble believing that they've brought an unholy, frothing at the mouth, psycho-bitch into the world.

I'd say your sister is a model of restraint! She really let you have it by the sound of things, and I'll bet no one's ever had the guts to do that to you before. See, when she told you that you're a "...toxic person who infects the whole family...", she was doing nothing more than telling you the absolute truth. Instead of whining that she was "mean" to you, consider that YOU very likely managed to destroy HER childhood with your selfish, childish antics. She's spent her entire life tippy-toeing around you and your nonsense and she's decided it's all over. I know. You can't consider that. If you did, you'd have to admit that maybe, just maybe the world doesn't revolve around you and your vile temper.

I'd have kicked your miserable ass out of my life long ago.

I love the way you try to cast yourself as a victim here. Maybe it's even worked for you a couple of times. It's classic, though - you're a bully and when someone finally stands up to you and shows you how truly small you are, you're so upset that you expect the world to feel sorry for you. Because you just don't get that it's NOT all about you. You claim that you've been working on your anger issues, but I'm not going to give you the benefit of the doubt. See, when bullies grow up, they surround themselves with people they can control...and I think that's what you've done.

YOU have no control over your sister or the situation any more. SHE is done with your nastiness, and SHE cut you off first. That's gotta suck. Your control of the situation is gone altogether now. Your sister has finally learned that you can only abuse her if she lets you, and she's doing the right thing to protect herself. I'd be willing to bet that she's also seriously considering limiting her contact with your enablers. That would be your parents.

Your parents are trying to get you to "make nice" like you did when you were a kid, and it worked when you were a kid. They would do anything just to shut you up, wouldn't they? Too bad your sister sees through the phony nonsense you show your parents.


2. I have to say, somewhat smugly, that I was born without wisdom teeth. I have none, and neither did my mother. Having witnessed the squirrel faces on many people in my friends and family, I'm deeply grateful I dodged that genetic bullet. Now. To the LW!
___________________________________________

You I feel for. I know what major dental work is like - I've been looped on those wonderful drugs, too. Part of the reason dentists use that stuff is so that the patients won't have any memory of the crunching and yanking that went on in your mouth. It's a good deal for them. You're easier to work on when you're not stiff as a board and moaning and you still like them after you come down.

However, the "coming down" off that stuff is the issue here, isn't it? See, I don't think you did anything wrong. Your so-called friend is the one that behaved badly here.

Here's why. First of all, any reasonable person would take your abortive groping as a sign that you weren't in your right mind and that leaving you at a bus station would be stupid and potentially dangerous. Had it been me, I would have changed the plan, taken you home, and babysat you until I KNEW that those drugs had cleared your system. That's just what friends do for each other. They keep each other safe.

But is that what your "friend" did? Hell no! He dumped you at the station and (I'm guessing here, but I think I'm right) didn't even call to see if you were all right. At work, you're suddenly persona non grata in his world, because of something HE TOLD YOU you did when you were so high you couldn't see straight.

Do you really want to consider this guy a friend?

SHADDAP!


He was never your friend. Even if the groping really happened (and we only have his word for that) and was coming from some deep id-based desire on your part, a friend would have laughed it off and forgotten the whole thing. A GOOD friend wouldn't even give you the details about what you did, other than to tell you you were acting like a twit. A funny twit. The guy is a jerk. Keep the same attitude at work that you always have and let it be. You can't change his attitude. Take it as a lesson in his character and move on.

Here's something else to consider, though. Has it occurred to you that the reason he's not comfortable around you is that he LIKED it when you stuck your hand down his pants, even just a little bit? You know, maybe he had a little tingle.... a twitching in the old block and tackle....a slight change in the angle of the dangle.... Just thinking.....


3. I remember it well, being a college student on the quest for cheap rent. Like yesterday. The basement apartments, the seedy neighborhoods, the creepy landlords..... It's a story as old as the existence of universities - a rite of passage, if you will. It's only now, over 20 years after the fact, that I can bring myself to see the humor of my living in that silverfish-infested, creaky-floored, next-to-the-biker bar dump that was under $200.00 a month. I got out of THAT lease as fast as I could, too.

But this is about you and your conscience. To review... You find yourself living in a seedy apartment in a seedy neighborhood with a seedy landlord that you just now discovered is a registered sex offender who kept underage sex slaves in the building - nay, the very apartment - that you now live in. Gotcha. It's creepy.

I'm not sure how morally wrong it is to live there, though. Then again, I have stated elsewhere that an apartment is just a box, it was empty before you moved in and it will be empty again when you move out.

What can you do?

SHADDAP!


The answer to your question is, as many have already told you, nothing. You can't do a thing about it. You have to pay out your lease whether you actually live in the joint or not, so you'll just have to deal.

I have a couple of questions, though...

How did you find out all of this information? Did someone tell you? Who? Was it the old lady in 2B that always wears the pink bathrobe that smells of cat pee? Perhaps it was that skinnyyoung man with the red dots on his arms and legs and the twitching problem in 1A? How about the older fella that shouts through the door because he can't open it for all the junk he's hoarded in his apartment. Was it him?

Then I have to ask.... Did you verify any of this? Did you check your local Sex Offenders Registry? Most registries aren't allowed to tell you the exact nature of the offense, so really, how DO you know those details?

If I were a cynical person (heavens forfend!), I'd wonder if you were trying on this story to see if you could use it to break your lease and move in with a new boy/girlfriend....

SHADDAP! Again...


You say in your letter that your landlord is "back in business". What business would that be? The landlord business? Then pay your rent, you prat. The sex slave business? Then call the cops.

Now go away. Your whining hurts my ears.


4. Wow. You're brave. THREE kids? All little? You have your hands full. It's a wonder you found time to write to the Internet Lady!

SHADDAP!


Your husband's sister dumps her kids off on you all the time. Mostly in the evenings, forcing you to feed and care for HER brats AND your three (including a newborn) after you've already had a full day baby-wrangling and keeping your house running. Now she's threatening to leave them with you for the entire summer of 2011 and you don't know what to do!

Of course you already KNOW the answer to your question, right?

No. That's it. The whole answer. Ok, it's a little more complicated than that. She's your husband's sister, right? You want to keep your husband sweet, and in order to do that, you have to manage things so that she can't complain about you.

I know that most people who see a stay-at-home mother figure that she's got nothing to do but sit on her ass and eat bon-bons all day. But you know that's a crock, and so does every other woman (or man) who's opted to stay home with the kids. You're working hard and you deserve to focus on YOUR family, not someone else's

There are a couple of ways you can handle this. You can, as many suggest, have a talk with your husband, tell him that you can't handle FIVE kids alone, and that you want this free babysitting to stop. If he's got anything resembling a heart or a brain, he'll go for that. After all, he has to live with YOU, not his sister. Keeping you happy means him having a happy life, right?

If he gets shirty about it...tell him you want to go back to work. Say, "Honey, I think if I go back to work, we can just swing hiring a nanny for the kids and a house cleaner to come in every couple of weeks."

He'll ask you why you want to do that, and you'll answer, "Sweetie, I feel like I'm running a day care anyway with all of the extra work I have to do with your sister's kids. If I'm going to be run off my feet, frazzled and constantly too tired for sex, I'd at least like to get some money out of the deal."

That should about do it. How hard is that? Why didn't you do it before? Are you frightened of your husband? Do you LIKE being treated like a slave? Is it FUN to be taken advantage of all the time? Of course not!

Not dealing with this quickly and decisively would be dumb. Stop the nonsense now and you'll be saving yourself either a big blowup later or a nervous breakdown. Your choice.

Sucks to be You!

(Photograph copyright 2010, all rights reserved)

It's 90 degrees here in the City of Wind today, which is very, very odd. It's just not supposed to be this hot at this time of year. I'll take it, though. This is one of those days I'll be grateful for in February, when I'm all cranky about the cold, right?

Everyone at Dear Prudie is feeling very sorry for themselves this week, so I've had to change the name of the entry. I have never seen such a bunch of self-pitying whiners!


1. You had a teacher that was a bully. I feel for you. I do. I had one of those in third grade. She used to slap a couple of carefully selected kids on a regular basis and she was just...mean. I hated the woman. Other kids used to draw pictures of her falling off cliffs and such. Several of us complained, and like you, we were told that if we behaved ourselves better, we wouldn't have a problem. HAH!

But that's NOT your current problem, is it? You have a brand new MEd, and you need a job. In your old district. Where the same appalling woman is STILL being nasty to little kids and you just don't want to work with her. Hmmm.

Sucks to be you. 


Listen kid, I don't know how old you are, but  allow me to give you a life lesson. You are not going to adore every human being that you ever work with in your life. You don't have to, either. No one expects that of you. What they DO expect is civilized behavior and that you learn to be polite to EVERYONE, not just your buddies.

Sure, I see where you're coming from. Every time you see this woman, the little kid that she spent a year crapping on shivers a little. Probably she's doing the very same thing to another kid right now, and has been doing it to other kids all along. You want to tell on her, but you know you won't be listened to....

SHADDAP!


You don't have the job yet. If you do get the job, what you will have to do is keep your mouth shut and your head down and do whatever it takes to keep that job. Right now, you need to put food on the table and pay off student loans. You don't have the standing, the authority or the money to make a stand right now.

I have one question for you, though. Why is this the only place you're looking for work? Education systems across the country and being revamped right now and they are screaming for young people with your qualifications to go and work for them. If the only answer is that you're afraid to move, then you'd better re-think that, kid. In this economy you don't get to confine your job search to three square miles and then whine about the choices you have to make.


2. This sounds like something people dream about! Three colleagues throw off the traces and go to work for themselves. You have a dream job that's the perfectest perfect situation in the whole wide world except for one teeny little thing....

Which I have to agree with you about. Going without a bra, particularly if she really needs one, is really unprofessional and rude of your colleague. Why she would do this, after having reined in the girls for her entire adult life, is anyone's guess. It's her problem anyway, not yours. You just don't know how to tell her what you think...

Sucks to be you!

So what's the big deal? Why so tentative? Are you frightened of this woman? Do you think she might throw something at you if you mention the obvious wobble? Does she pack iron? Or are you just afraid you might blush, so you're looking for an excuse not to bring it up?

This is a beef that I have with a LOT of people who write to advice columns. I assume that the three of you are friends, right? You'd have to be, to survive in a three-person company. You all know each other pretty well, you all know the business you're in, so what's the big deal? Quit pussyfooting around and

SHADDAP!


You have to call a meeting either at the beginning or the end of the day and say something like, "Shirley (or whatever), this new habit of yours of going bra-less has got to stop. It looks unprofessional and it's not the way we want to attract business. We can't afford to have you undermining our appearance by not taking care of yours."

OR.... you could just call her into your office and say, "Shirley, cover your tits. It looks sloppy."

See? Easy! Save yourself the angst! TELL HER!

Geez, what an idiot!


3. Ok chickie-boo. I'll grant you that it must have been nice to have your husband around the house for ten months, especially with the baby. No doubt it made your life easier to have another body around 24/7 to help maintain the house and take the kid when you wanted to go somewhere. I'm sure it's been an adjustment dealing with him working again....

Sucks to be you!


Let me get this straight.....you wrote to the Internet lady to bitch about your husband HAVING A JOB? Where the hell do you get off with that crap? What are you, made of money that you can afford to have both of you home full time? And what were YOU doing while he was job-hunting? Why weren't YOU working at some stupid retail job or something?

You claim your son is "hysterical" and you're demanding that your husband change his work hours, even though he's brand-new and this company and no doubt people with his qualifications are a dime a dozen and ALL willing to take his job right now....

SHADDAP!


You silly bitch! Your husband is working those long hours to feed you while you choose not to work and all you can do is whine because he's not home for dinner? Do you have any idea how lucky you are right now? Do you understand that people are ending up homeless because they just can't find work?

Here's my advice. When your husband gets home tonight, you will be wearing a pretty apron and nothing else. You will be by the door, with a martini or alcoholic beverage of his choice on a tray, waiting for him. When he has finished that, you will tell him how grateful you are that he is willing to work those long hours to support his family.

You will thank him and you will apologize to him for being such a bitch. Because that's what you're being right now, a whiny, entitled bitch. Deal.


4. Ah, other people's kids. Your kid's best friend sleeps over and won't eat what you cook. This has become a Big Deal and the focus of your life right now, because naturally, what someone else's kid eats or doesn't will probably destroy The World As We Know It.

Sucks to be you!


Sure, you know how to handle a picky eater if it's your own kid. So what's the big deal with this one? No parent ever wins this fight if they allow it to become a fight, and the kid you're complaining about isn't even yours!

SHADDAP!


Have you even considered calling the child's parents and ASKING what you can do about this? Did it even cross your mind that you can conspire with whoever normally feeds this kid and come up with something that will work on the nights she stays over?

Seriously, how is it that this never crossed your mind before? It's such a no-brainer!

And here we are at my latest pet peeve AGAIN. TALK TO THE OTHER MOM. Duh, fucking duh!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now here I have to interject on the picky eater thing. Lots of people on The Fray are dispensing a lot of "wisdom" about how to raise a kid that will eat whatever you put in front of it. They are all missing the point that the kid in question isn't the LWs kid! Her pickiness is her parents problem!

That said, my Cool Niece is now 3 1/2 years old. She is not terribly picky. In fact, her mother never gave her the option of having anything but healthy food, so I can't see her ever becoming "the kid who will only eat white food" or whatever.

She does get some choice in her dinners, though. The protein is a set item - say turkey burgers or whatever. THEN her mother will ask if she wants (for example) broccoli or carrots. The kid chooses one. There are no other options. The same goes for dessert - blueberries or peaches? And so on. It works.

I have never seen her throw a fit at the table - which is a good thing. According to her mother though, upon being presented with a bowl of Spaghetti-Os at a friend's house, the kid leaned over and told her mom, "Mommy, I don't like this," in a stage whisper.

That is the moment my friend was quite willing to say, "Who let that kid in here? Because I've never seen it before in my life!"

SHADDAP!

(Photograph copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)


Labor Day is this weekend, and so I have to ask.... Does summer feel like it's over to you? We've still got 80+ degree temperatures, and even though it finally cooled off a bit, we know that's not going to last. It's been one of the hottest summers on record here in the City of Wind, and no matter how many people I hear whining for cool weather, I don't want it yet. The Boy is one of the whiners, but he gets to work in California during the week. He'll only experience snow on the weekend, and probably won't even have to shovel, so I'm ignoring him on this point.

A lot of people use Labor Day as a dividing line. People with kids send them off to school, so the kids definitely feel that way. I'm just relieved that the student drivers are all in classrooms where they belong. There are fashion rules about Labor Day - like no white shoes or gloves afterward. Some people start wearing boots and jeans the next day, even though they WANT to be wearing shorts and sandals. That strikes me as pretty silly. Why sweat if you don't have to?

I'm not going to acknowledge it. I will be wearing shorts until I risk turning blue with the cold. I'll wear shorts with sweaters, boots, jackets, even wooly hats - all because somewhere in my head I sincerely believe that the mere baring of my legs will prevent winter from coming. I'll drink margaritas, I'll use the barbecue, I'll eat outdoors, all until I'm forced to go indoors. I know I'll look pretty ridiculous in shorts around Hallowe'en, but that's all right. I'm willing to look like a complete goof to prove my point. I figure I can kid myself at least until there's snow.... whereupon I will embrace sweaters and excavate the long underwear. I'm a summer person, but I'm no dummy.

What a crop of letters today! From the dumb to the desperate, Prudie covered them all. Find the letters here .


1. You have everything you ever wanted and more than many people dare to dream of. You've got a loving husband who will stay with you until death. You have stepkids that adore you, and that you get along beautifully with. It sounds as if your lifestyle is just what you like - I assume both of you have good jobs and financial stability - or as much stability as you could have in this economy, anyway.

Life is good. Very good. In fact, you have it better than probably more than half of the people around you do....

...but it's not enough, is it?. No. You have fixed on the idea that you absolutely MUST, at all costs, have a baby. NOW.

SHADDAP!

You jackass! You AGREED when you got married to this paragon of a man that loves you to distraction, that you would not have kids. He made it excruciatingly clear to you that HE DID NOT WANT MORE KIDS. I think the vasectomy makes that pretty clear, don't you? You weren't a kid when you married this man, so you don't have the "young and dumb" excuse.

What are your reasons for wanting to spawn now, anyway? Hormones? Whoopee freakin' ding, sugar. Women who already HAVE kids feel like you do just before menopause. Most of them are smart enough to realize it's a bad idea. You even acknowledge in your letter that the ONLY reason you want to have babies is that the clock is running out. That's a lousy reason for having a kid, moron.

What do you think is going to happen? You say that you "...want to parent with a partner", which is all very well and good, but you know that THE MAN WHO LOVES YOU (idiot) will not be that person. All right. Let's say you leave your husband, who loves you, and your step-children (who you will have no right to see later) who also love you, and your home, which you love, and the relatively affluent lifestyle that you enjoy..... What will you be left with?

Let's see....oh yeah! You'll be a single mother at an age when most people are starting to look forward to retirement! There are precious few men your age that will be willing to take on a stranger's kid. Plan on being alone. YOU won't be able to retire, though, will you? No, you'll be raising a baby and working your tail off to make the money to do that because you won't have child support to rely on. There won't be any college fund.....no retirement for you, either. No, just because you feel a wagging uterus NOW, you'll be working at a job LONG after most of your contemporaries are napping at the beach between rounds of golf (or margaritas).

In the meantime, you will be devastating the people who love you. You will destroy THEIR lives and THEIR security, just because you have to act like a stupid teenybopper who thinks babies are toys. Sure. You can leave. You have every right to do that. You can say "damn the consequences" and bugger off into the great unknown if you want to. You'll be throwing away everything of value that you already have, but hey, it's all about you, right?

Marriage is NOT just fun and games. Anyone who's been married for any length of time knows that. Throughout your life, there are decisions to be made, and you don't get to take the selfish route every time. Those vows you took come with obligations. You are obligated to think not just about YOU and what YOU want, you also have to consider other people. Part of not being alone means accepting that the person you married is just as important as you are. That's MARRIAGE. Both people benefit, but both people compromise, too.

Trying to force your husband to accept a baby now is a betrayal. You knew what you were getting into with this marriage, and you accepted that kids were not part of the picture. You won't think about this. You're too self-centered and idiotic. I would advise that you get your hormone levels tested, because I think about 95% of your problem is that you're already well into menopause....


2. This is a stupid question, kid. Why did you write to the Internet lady? It's a no-brainer!

You found out that a student a year ahead of you plagiarized the paper that your professor gave you as an exemplar. Why are you agonizing over what to do?

SHADDAP!

kid, and listen...

Make a copy of the paper. Highlight the passages that were plagiarized. Then put a sticky tab in the spots where those passages are in the book. Hand it to your professor. Get another copy of the paper, another copy of the book, and do the same thing. Give that to your dean.

See? Easy!

Why would you let an academic fraud prosper because you can't make a simple decision? Has it occurred to you that YOU will look like a flaming idiot if anyone ever discovers that you KNEW about the plagiarism and did nothing? YOUR integrity is on trial here, kid. You already know that the fact of the plagiarism proves that your professor's golden boy has no moral compass.

Duh.


3. Your daughter asked you a technical question, you knew the answer, her boss is thrilled with the answer....and what's your problem? A co-worker accuses you of "cheating" somehow?

SHADDAP!


Your daughter did the absolute right thing. She asked an expert. That's what she SHOULD do, right? Why should she have to struggle through and reinvent the wheel every time she needs an answer? How stupid would that be? It's the equivalent of inventing the computer from scratch when you have a software issue. You'll get the answer, but by the time you do, it's not relevant and it will cost the company a fortune.

So here's the only thing you need to tell the silly ass who's got a stick up her ass about this:

SHADDAP! (Add invective as needed. For example, "Shaddap, dumbass!" is acceptable.)


4. I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how devastating it was for you to lose your husband at such a young age. I don't know if anyone had told you that, but someone should. It's bad enough to lose a spouse, especially when your children are so young, but to have to deal with his obnoxious relatives is just too much. YOU need time to handle this, you don't need to put up with any extra crap right now. Tell them all to

SHADDAP!

and leave you alone right now.

One of the first things obnoxious relatives do is look to blame someone for a death. You seem to be their obvious choice....which is stupid, but there you go. The only thing you can tell them to do is ask for an autopsy on their own. It's just barely possible they can get a judge to order an autopsy, but they'd have to have a good reason for it. These things can be done. Probably if they tried this, they'd be told to get lost.

You aren't obligated to give these people anything. Clearly they have a grudge that is entirely irrational, and by attacking you, they're making themselves feel better. They don't CARE what you're going through, and they don't care what they're putting your kids through. It's obvious that "revenge" and petty bickering are all they're capable of. Don't waste your time or energy discussing anything relating to your husband with them. They've decided what they think and you will never convince them otherwise.

See, here's the thing. YOU were his wife. YOU are the one who has the authority to do as you see fit when it comes to funeral arrangements and so on. YOU and his children are more important than anything right now. They don't have to like that, that's the way it is. I'm sure that if they had at least tried to be decent to you, I'm sure you would have reciprocated. It's unfortunate that you had to learn what his relatives are really like now, when you're least able to do something about it. Beware, too. Given the way his relatives are behaving, you might have some of them demanding money - be it from your husband's estate, or his life insurance. They aren't entitled to a damned thing.

You say at then end of your letter that you're about to cut ties with these folks...and I give Prudie a big, fat, hairy F- for her answer. She yammers on about how kids "need" their grandparents. Take it from me, you don't want your kids anywhere NEAR these assholes, and YOU have the right to make that decision. They may be related, but they are NOT acting like family.

Oh, and don't ever agree to let them see the kids, but not deal with you. You and YOUR children are a package deal. Respect the group or be banned from it, you are the most important person in your kids' lives and never forget it. No one else matters, especially now.

SHADDAP! ....just.....shaddap...please....you're killing me, here!

(Photograph copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)

Ok. I'm finally getting it together-ish. I have a problem combining "Summer" and "writing". Summer, you see, is my favorite time of the year. I want to wallow in the sun, bask in the heat, get a tan (and no, I DON'T feel in the least guilty about that), drink gin and tonic.... you know, summer stuff. Sitting at a computer is difficult, and it gets harder and harder for every degree of heat over 75. Today it's 88 and I'm grooving. But I owe you some answers. Source material is here .

Then, and as an extra special bonus JUST FOR YOU.... I have a dilemma of my own and YOU can tell me what to do. Even if it's SHADDAP!


1. You accused someone of cornering you in a bathroom when you were six years old, so you could avoid going to your father's house for a weekend of drunken abuse. Now that you're an adult, you feel guilty.

SHADDAP!

You did one thing spectacularly right here, kid. You avoided getting in a car with a drunk. You survived your fucked-up family. I understand the impulse to apologize for your actions. If you want to know what happened, ask your mother. Then decide. In the meantime, get some help.

I suspect this has more to do with your feelings about your father than anything else.


2. Oh boy! Your nasty family member who gets fired a lot for nastiness is applying for a job where you work and you're wondering whether you should give HR the heads up about this lunatic?

SHADDAP!

Given that this person has issues with everyone, not just you, odds are good that she wouldn't get hired in the first place. That said, there's nothing wrong with tipping the nod to whoever's doing the hiring. Look at it this way. If your company has to find out the hard way that your relative is an unholy bitch and has to fire her, it's going to cost them a fortune.

I noticed too, although others haven't, that you say, "...this family member would put my career in jeapordy."

You didn't say COULD, you said WOULD. Definitely tattle on the bitch. Then cut her out of your life entirely. It sounds like she's been upsetting you for a long time. Why give her the chance to continue?


3. Bloody hell! WTF? ANOTHER round of, "my boyfriend is the perfectist perfect boyfriend on the face of the planet yadda yadda yadda .......BUT?!"

SHADDAP!

Heaven help us all when stupid people decide that assholes are "perfect". What part of "insanely jealous" did you miss here, sugar? You know that's just going to be code for everyone to tell you to DTMFA, right? Right?

You don't owe him a "number". Period. He never should have asked. It's none of his fucking business, it's intrusive, and if he cared about YOU, your past would be meaningless to him. So do us all a favor, send him back to whatever assholeland he sprang from and go find yourself a grownup.

But do some growing up yourself, first.

Duh.


4. You sleep in the same bed as your son for the FOUR DAYS A MONTH you get to see him, except when you're fucking whatever boyfriend you have at the time, and you think this is somehow ALL RIGHT?

SHADDAP!

Get your son a sofa bed. Tell your boyfriend that he'll have to take care of business himself four times a month. Duh, fucking duh.

Better yet, sign off all parental rights to your ex, since he's the parent with the brain in this case. Then you can screw like a bunny any old time you want with the bedroom door open, even, and your son will at least have half a chance at not being a complete head case because of you.

It's probably too late.


------------------------------------------------------------------


Now I know you're all just DYING to know what my dilemma is. I have to say, I just can't wait for Tonto to tell me I'm fulla crap! Are you ready for this? Are you?


Dear Readers,

As a lot of you already know, I'm a Clay Person. I've been doing this for the better part of a decade now, and I finally feel like I've hit my sculpture groove. People are noticing my work, which is slightly shocking to me, since in the past I've heard things like, "What's it for?" a lot. It's not FOR anything. It just is. One day I'll post some photos of the recent stuff. On to the story.

I have to work in a studio, of course, and since few people have the money or the space to work at home, we congregate at facilities where we can take classes, mingle with other Clay People and generally get some work done in a relatively convivial atmosphere. It's generally a pretty mellow group. No one gets wound up about the small stuff, and while there are some personality clashes, we're a civilized bunch and just choose not to deal with people we don't get along with.

So here's the problem. In the class I'm taking now (and that I'm planning to repeat because I adore the teacher), there is a Fly in the Ointment. This fellow student is just impossible to deal with. I tried to be friendly. No dice. I tried to be polite. Nothing. I tried to ignore her. She's being even MORE obnoxious. She has a permanent frown and a foul attitude.

I asked around and several people have told me that they have issues with this broad. Some who have been cornered by her, have been subjected to literally HOURS of misery as she drones on about her near-death experiences and life-threatening illnesses. Frankly, if she's been as ill as she claims, I don't know how she's still breathing. Everything with her is a downer. She NEVER smiles. Nothing she ever says is positive, even to the people she calls her friends. She's bitchy, she's rude and she sucks the energy out of every room she's in because of her perpetual whining.

I felt I'd dodged a bullet, what with the not getting trapped by her and all. When I go to class or if I just go to use the studio I generally use my IPod to zone out and work and the people that know me know that I'm not being rude, I'm just concentrating. If someone wants to talk to me, they either tap me on the shoulder or wave at me when I look up. It works.

The dilemma? I've been ignoring the Soul Sucker. I'm a pretty upbeat person (yeah, go ahead Tonto), and I'm there to work, so it's not a big deal. SHE on the other hand, has been hard at work on the rumor mill. Apparently I offended. There are people I've been friendly with for years that now give me shifty looks. The other day, I heard her lecturing a couple of people about what a "stuck up bitch" I am and how "mean" I've been to her. I think I've said ten words directly to her in the last five years.

So what to do? You all know that I'm the first one to tell anyone not to rent space in their heads to assholes. I don't have time for nasty people. Then again, what do I do at the studio? Let her spread her nasty little rumors? I suspect by now I eat babies and kick puppies according to her. Frankly, it's been a long time since I've had to be around anyone that's actively malicious towards me.

Do I call her on it? Do I tell her to piss off? Do I kill her with politeness? Do I shake her until her teeth rattle? Tell the boys I DON'T have cooties? My instinct is to not engage and let her shoot off her mouth. Eventually she'll yap to the wrong person and get told to shut up, right?

Sigh.

Comments are always welcome! I'm unavailable to write here next week, but I'll be checking in from time to time....

Messy