SHADDAP!

(Photograph copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)


Oh, what a week! It's melting! The snow is melting! Woo Hoo! You can't see me, but I'm jumping for joy and doing the happy dance all over the house. I hate, loathe and revile all things winter. Skiing is for chumps. Skating is just a way to hurt yourself on a very hard surface. Blech. Let other people do all that stuff. The Boy has pointed out that every time I crow about good weather it turns nasty, but he can just go....read his paper. It's sunny and clear and almost 40 degrees, and in the City of Wind at this time of year, every day like that is a bonus. So there.

We're also going to the PAWS (Pets Are Worth Saving) shelter to look at kittens. How did we get here? Why are we going for the three cat household? Who knows? Who cares? The sun is out!

To work.... As always, you can find the letters at Dear Prudence .


1. What a mess! I have been where you are, and nothing makes me more uncomfortable and downright angry than someone who seems the think that the world would be a better place if we only "forgave" and "got together" with our miserable, scum-sucking, foul families as if nothing ever happened...like getting pounded on, verbally abused, lied to and so on. I know. I've been there.

You know what it's like to find peace and learn to be happy without even thinking about the hell you went through. You know how hard it was to get there, and you know how hard it's been to stay there. You know that you'll never forget what happened to you - you can only learn to live with it and not let it continue to blight your life. I also know how fragile that peace is when you have someone demanding that you obey them and let the ugly people back into your life.

When people do this to you - and what your sister IS doing to you - makes you feel like second-guessing yourself, as if maybe YOU did something wrong. You feel as if you're being battered by memory. The nightmares come back. Suddenly it feels as if the safe place you've worked so hard to build is in danger. You know that what you did do is not only survive, but make a life and choose a family that makes you happy. You know that this...person... has no idea what she's talking about, but she's STILL causing you all kinds of pain.

You have the right NOT to have to listen to this. You've earned it, you've fought for it, and it's yours. Don't let some stranger hurt you all over again. Also, don't kid yourself. Your "sister" knows how you feel about this and she's STILL demanding that you see that sick bitch of a woman that gave birth to you. Is she that clueless or did the apple not fall far from the tree there?

You wonder what to do? Wonder no more. Tell your "sister" to

SHADDAP!

and then tell her why. I will demonstrate.

Hey, shithead! What part of "no" are you having trouble with? I DONT want to have anything to do with that waste of skin that gave birth to us. That woman is living proof that psycho-abusive-moronic-sluts-from-hell (sounds like a good movie title...I must remember that) are capable of not ripping the dicks off the creeps they pick up until AFTER she fucks them enough times to get knocked up. Get it yet, kid? No?

I was actually hoping that the next time I ever heard a thing about her was someone telling me she's dead so I can throw a party. Got that? No?

Ok. I can list all of the shitty things she's done to me. And you, even though you don't remember them. Just keep in mind that WE WERE TAKEN AWAY FROM HER, and that there was a reason for that. YOU were lucky enough to get adopted. That's the only difference between us. I can tell you what she did and how. I know that whatever that dried up piece of fermented shit is telling you, she's lying. Did she give you some sob story about how "hard" her life was? Don't listen for a second.

Now, I don't want to hear about this ever again. I want to go about my life and pretend that you never existed, that you never contacted me and that my mother is dead. Because to me, she is dead and has been for a long time. Keep nagging me about her and you'll suffer the same fate. Don't talk to me, don't call me, don't e-mail me - pretend I never existed, too. Just. Go. Away.

Or...we could talk restraining order.

(If that fails....quit the networking site, don't take her phone calls, and if she e-mails, delete the messages without even opening them, and yes...consider a restraining order. You might also consider asking her if her adoptive family was as awful as her biological one. She has to have some reason for hounding you over this.)


2. Awwww! Poor widdle girly-poo! Doesn't know how to play with the grownups, just fuck them. Better go play with your Barbies in the playroom. Whatever are you going to to?

SHADDAP!

I can't believe you're actually so stupid that you don't know what's going on. Seriously.

So, if you were fucking your husband while he was still married, if you fell for the "my wife doesn't understand me" line of crap, then you deserve whatever you get. I have no sympathy for you. He got a nurse, you got a purse, that's the deal here, sugar. At least you had the brains to get knocked up fast. When you start to wrinkle and he trades you in for another little cookie who falls for the line, at least you'll have child support to get you through.

The women that terrify you so much have seen this happen before, and they probably think you're temporary. They probably ALSO were the ones that had to deal with the ex-wife crying and upset over the slutty bottle blonde your husband was screwing around with. (Oh, you're not a blonde? Well darling, what makes you think you were the only one?) They resent you, they think you're nothing but a boring little piece of meat, and they don't want to bother getting to know you because as I said before, they figure you're only temporary.

However...

Let's say, for the sake of argument, that this is True Love, and that you are genuinely flummoxed as to how to handle being ignored by the grownups... There are some things you need to do:

a) Tell your husband to quit treating you like his fuckpuppet and bragging about your looks. Tell him it's disrespectful and that you expect better from him.

b) Like Prudie says, if you eat at the kiddie table, don't be surprised if you're dismissed as one of the kids. Why should anyone take you seriously if you obviously prefer the company of the nursery to the salon?

c) If you don't have anything to say, then GET something. READ the papers, pay attention to what's going on around you, hell, get a job and talk to grownups EVERY DAY. If all you can do is sit at your husband's side gazing worshipfully up at him and change diapers during your breaks, then you need to get a grip. You don't look interesting in the least.

d) Dress and act like a grownup. I know you claim to dress "modestly", but pay attention. When you have one of these dinner parties, what is everyone else wearing? I'm guessing not jeans and t-shirts. If that's your wardrobe, then you'd better re-think that. Again, if you dress like the help, no one's going to bother with you.

e) Be gracious and polite. Write thank you notes. Thank people for coming over. Be interested in something besides yourself for a change.

f) Take a class, read a book, hang out with other people who ARE grownups, whatever it takes for you to figure out how NOT to act like a socially inept high school student.

Now, this is only a partial list. Also keep in mind that if you DO learn to act like a grownup, you're probably running the risk of your husband divorcing you because he's already been married to an adult and look how that turned out.

Now don't you wish you'd met some nice guy in the graduate school and married him? No? Get back to us when you're 40 and your husband is in a wheelchair after his third heart attack.


3. You're happily married. Check. You have a toddler and a baby on the way. Check. Your family has no serious money problems and the recession isn't affecting you too badly. Check. Your husband is a nice man who served his country and like all people when he was a kid, he did a few stupid things. Check. So did you. Check.

So what? You just HAVE to find something to spazz about? Is Smagboy right and your hormones are turning you into a freak?

SHADDAP!

YOU don't have the tattoo. Your husband does. He doesn't want to remove it. Fair enough. It's his. On his body, like. It's even on his back, so he can't even SEE the thing unless he really makes an effort. You think it's not PC and you're right. It's not. Prudie's suggestion to consider having an artist change the joint to something else is a good one. Take that to your husband and ASK him what he thinks. That would solve your "problem" right there.

Other than that, have a nice cup of tea, sit down and gestate. When your body is back to normal, THEN start to think about the tattoo. I suspect that it won't seem like such a big deal then. After all, you can always tell your kids that you and their father did some things that were not too bright, but that you grew up and got smarter. Like we all do.

Duh.


4. You saw the zipper down, committed a niceness and told the lady about it. Good. Keep it up. If I have a tag sticking up or my skirt tucked in to my pantyhose after I come out of the loo, I hope you or someone with your common sense is there.

Tell your husband to:

SHADDAP!

Also remind him that the next time HE might be the one "flying low" as it were.

SHADDAP!

(Photograph copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)

As you can see from the photo, I've been out shooting graffiti again and I hit the mother lode. The Boy and I were in San Francisco and took the BART to the Mission district in search of fabulous ice cream and maple bacon doughnuts (they were out) and were amazed at the murals and artwork in the alleys. The sun was shining and it was 55 degrees and we had a marvelous time.

Now, I have to apologize for some of the images. They may be at a bit of an angle. The truth is that middle-aged Anglo couples are not exactly welcome in that neck of the woods. I guess it's a hint when all the backyard auto shops don't open until midnight, right? In any event, I was walking and shooting and not about to stop to make too many adjustments. You will be seeing more of this stuff as time goes on...

I can't BELIEVE the LWs this week! Why, oh why do people go hunting for trouble? Yeesh. As always, the letters are to be found here .


1. Well, aren't you just SPECIAL! You want to leave your wife and kids for something she did "several years" before she even knew you existed. You really are an asshole, you know that?

SHADDAP!

Before you married your wife, did you tell her about every smoochie, every date, every relationship, every chance encounter of a cutie in a grocery store, every fantasy, every time you jerked off? No? Gee, I wonder why that is? What?! You didn't keep a log starting at birth so you could go over every detail with her? Oh, it was none of her business?

So why is it that HER previous life is suddenly YOUR business? That was a rhetorical question, idiot. Hang on, the ride has just begun. What's your REAL problem, short stuff? Seriously. You had to know that your wife was no virgin when you met her. At least, you found out in short order, right? Why aren't you obsessing about that? And why now? Another rhetorical question.

SHADDAP, you big sissy-baby-whiny-boy!

Now think hard, asshole, because you're seriously considering destroying your life, your wife's life, your children's lives.... all because YOU feel inadequate. What's the problem you nance, did your brother always have a bigger dick than you? Mommy liked him best? He got the bigger Tinkertoy set when you were six and you've hated him ever since? Still bitter about that wedgie he gave you at the playground when the cute little blond girl was watching? He laughed at you when you were still wetting the bed at 14 years old? What?

You say that your brother "...manipulated many women into bed...", then go on to say that you don't respect them or him. Whatever. How about telling the truth for a change, you toad-brained pile of jealous shit? YOU WERE JEALOUS! I'm right, aren't I? He is socially more adept than you. He's charming, and you aren't. You always thought he was better looking than you, and no one ever contradicted you on that one because you were never....quite....able... to admit that, even to yourself.

So YOU weren't the problem, right? The fact that you only managed to get laid once for his twenty was HIS fault for being "manipulative" and hanging around with (and I know you didn't come out and say it, but...) whores. In your head, you have to be the only perfect person in the world, so you twisted his social life into something awful because you KNEW that you were inferior to him in that area.

(Oh dear Sigmund, where art thou?)

SHADDAP! (I think that's the first triple shaddap)

So...are you trying to say that your brother was a rapist? No? You mean that all those "evil" women went to his bed BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO? Let's face it, none of these ladies had to be dragged kicking and screaming into his arms. He wasn't lurking around street corners grabbing innocent lovelies and hauling them off to his lair. They WANTED to go to bed with him. They LIKED him. They LIKED having sex with him.

That's what's got you going, isn't it? You have always felt like a loser around your brother. Everything in your life has to be "proof" that you're better than he is, just so you can feel superior in your own secret squirrelly way. Has it hit you yet that this was all in your head and that he probably didn't even NOTICE it? The fact that you can blame your wife is just gravy. I bet you feel terrific right now, don't you? And look, just look how many people you get to hurt with your pretend-righteous outrage! You get to blame HIM for destroying your marriage, your children's lives, hurting your parents, and making a general mess out of everything you've built up! You must feel so....so....MANLY.... right now.

Tell me, did your dick get just a little hard when you harangued and argued with the woman you pretended to love until she finally told you what had happened before she even knew you existed? I bet it did. I bet you were working on that head of steam for DAYS before you started bellowing. You probably rehearsed every snotty comment and every facial expression in the mirror for HOURS beforehand. Did you have to run to the bathroom to get off while she cried after you screamed at her? Did the same thing happen when both she AND your brother apologized for something that was none of your bloody business in the first place?

(You have to tell me. Did you tell your wife who YOU were screwing while she was with your brother? Why?)

So now you stand all by yourself in your "righteousness". You get to punish everyone who you've convinced yourself has "wronged" you in your life. I bet you're working on how to blame your parents, too. You'll probably get laid by dozens of ladies who feel SOOOOO sorry for you and the awful things those evil people did....well, not to you anyway.

So here's the revelation, asshole. You are going to destroy the one wonderful thing in your miserable life, and here's how you know that:

Your wife loves you. She didn't want your brother, never considered him anything more than a roll in the hay and probably hadn't given him a thought in YEARS before she met you. When she did realize who your brother was, SHE CHOSE YOU. YOU were the one that she gave her heart to. YOU were the one she went home to at night. YOU were the one she went to for everything that mattered to her. YOU were the one she chose to marry. YOU were the one whose babies she had. YOU were the one that she wanted to be with for the rest of her life. She NEVER cheated on you. She NEVER lied to you. She devoted herself to the family that YOU wanted to build, and she did it with all her heart.

And you want to throw that all away? Why? To prove to your brother that you're "better" in some sick way than he is? To punish HIM for YOUR jealousy? You say that you "felt like the one thing that was not part of his manipulative ways was (your) wife." Well who's crying now, jerkwad? I'll give you a hint. NOT your brother.

Way to go, dude. Have fun with that.


2. Oy, I think when Incognito suggested that one of Prudie's friends is having marriage issues is right. Because this is one of the stupider "dilemmas" that we see here from time to time.

-------------------------------------------------

Woman, what have you been drinking? You're happy and you think that's "wrong" somehow?

YEARS ago, when you were first dating your husband with no notion that you might marry the man some day, you canoodled with a co-worker when you were both drunk. You admit that nothing happened. I'm guessing some minor smoochies, maybe some feelies and that's about it. You didn't want to see him again, so you quit your job (clearly the economy was better back then), and that was the end of it. End of story. Or end of story for most NORMAL people.

SHADDAP!

Oh, I bet I know what's going on. Everyone at work has something to bitch about, some people are getting laid off and you think you deserve to suffer with them, is that right? No? Let's see... Oh, here's another one! You're convinced that being happy is a Bad Thing because you keep having flashbacks to a visit to church when you were four and the minister said that we were all "born to suffer", right?

Yeesh.

Do you WANT a divorce? Do you WANT to be a single parent? Do you WANT this kind of drama in your life? Is this letter just your way of making your husband leave you because you want to be on the side of the angels when it all gets to court?

If you want a divorce, then hoist up that Wonderbra and ask for one. The world will not cease to rotate (but it won't be rotating smoothly for YOU any more), and besides, I think your then/boyfriend now/husband sounds like a rigid twit, but that's your problem.

If you're just obsessing because you've been on maternity leave for too long and you're bored, then get your ass back to work and occupy your pointed little brain with trivialities that make you money. If this obsession is about post-partum depression, then get your ass in to see your doctor and take the drugs he gives you. Then get your ass back to work.

Either way, unless you want to punish yourself, your husband and your baby for something that never really happened and that the guy you groped has forgotten about long since,

SHADDAP!


3. Oh, this is a serious one. Really, really serious. What can I say, other than reiterate what Prudie said and suggest that you get in touch with the National Stroke Association, and get yourself into some treatment. It's not easy to do what you're doing. Get yourself some help.

For the moment, there ARE a few things you can do.

a. First, make sure your husband is TAKING his anti-depressants. If he's not, go back to his doctor and make him explain how they work. Some people insist on viewing them as a "cop-out". They aren't and millions of people are alive today because they work. If he IS taking them and they aren't helping, then he needs to try another one. There are a lot of different drugs. One will almost certainly help.

b. Tell him exactly what you told Prudie about how YOU feel. His physical recovery went well. He is still the man you married. He NEEDS to know that his depression is affecting you, too, and that seeking help is something he needs to do for you as well as himself.

c. Get him in for another evaluation. When we think of strokes, we think of things like paralysis, loss of speech and loss of motor control. Strokes are about BRAIN DAMAGE, though. You need to make sure there's nothing physical that's affecting his mood. I'm told that's not at all uncommon.

d. Take care of yourself. It sounds as if you can leave him for a few hours at a time, so DO IT. Volunteer, go back to work part-time, do SOMETHING so that you aren't having to be in that house all day, every day. If you do that, you'll be better able to cope with him, too.


4. Oh dear. A little naive, are we? My dear, your husband may not be telling you this, or maybe he's never run in to it before (hard to believe), but the car repair business is rife with people ripping other people off. It's probably the most corrupt racket there is, and I speak from experience.

So tell your husband to

SHADDAP!

for a minute and get selfish.

First, I know the manager SAYS he's doing charitable works when he works your husband like a donkey for no pay. It's a terrific excuse for a rip-off, I have to say. After all, he's only being a good Christian, right? Oh. Except for the part about stealing money out of his employees' pockets...

Believe me, this guy is NOT "giving" away services for free. He IS charging people for that work, but they're paying less than list prices and they're doing it in CASH. You know that money is going directly into his pocket, and you have to know that he's got himself a nice tax-free income going there, right? This creep DESERVES to be fired. He is stealing from his employers, he is stealing from the people that are doing the actual work and he is laughing at all of you...all the way to his next sun-filled vacation.

If your husband keeps speaking to this clown, he's going to get fired. His boss doesn't want anyone around that'll queer his game, so keep in mind that mechanics are a dime a dozen and a lot of them are unemployed right now. Tell your husband to have a chat with the district manager and tell him what's going on. He'll probably keep his job if he does that, but it has to be SOON. If he delays and it comes out that he knew about the theft and did nothing, he could lose a lot more than his job.

Got that? Tattling - good. Getting ripped off - bad. Duh.

--------------------------------------------------

Ok, all you Fraysters that pop in for a visit! I want to hear from you. onemessylady@gmail.com is my address. We all know that the Fray is dying - that whole business of "posting to the page" that our dear old censor...er..editor Germy is yattering about is a line of crap. It's just Slate's way of stopping debate and it's WAY easier to delete posts in that format. I've been all but banned because I had the temerity to say that Prudie is occasionally *gasp* wrong about certain things.

Now, they may make more money, but let's face it. It's going to get real boring, real fast.

But I have a solution, friends! Yes indeedy I do! Drop me an e-mail. Tell me what you want to discuss - anything topical and it doesn't have to be on Slate, either. I will write a post about it with the relevant links on my portal page (go to The Fly and click on Aunt Messy down on the right hand side and you'll get there), and we can chatter, debate, argue and wander off-topic to our heart's content.

I have two rules. No personal shit. If you disagree with someone (anyone), you aren't allowed to make it personal. You can say things like "You're full of shit, and here's why..." but you are NOT permitted to say, "You're a shithead and I hate your guts..." I will delete any posts that head into that territory.

The other rule is...don't even THINK about flaming people on my turf. You will be punished. Or at least deleted. And I may say something snotty on the blog even....

Come on, kids, the fun is just beginning!

SHADDAP!

(Photograph copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)


WOW. That's some set of letters this week. Where does one start? This just goes to show the levels of fucked up pathology that lurks beneath the surface of the blandest countenances.... Ok. That's a load of crap. There's some serious nonsense around here this week, by gum and I'm going to smack it around a little!

I think I'll just dive in. As always, the letters can be found at Dear Prudence


1. Ooh...you're good. Very, very slick. I LOVE the "I'm a monster, what can I do?" thing. It almost smacks of.......sincerity.

SHADDAP!

I'm loving that confessional style. Pretty sophisticated for a kid. So, how long have you been a sociopath? Really, you can tell Aunt Messy. Did your parents fall for it, too? When the cat went missing or the shih tsu across the street got barbecued when you started the grill without looking inside, or the neighbor's kid went screaming home with all his teeth missing, what did you do? Nothing, I'll bet. And if you ever got caught, I can just see you crying your crocodile tears and promising to "do better Mommy, I will...".

When you went off to college I suspect that everyone in your neighborhood AND your family breathed a sigh of relief. It's not easy to live with a little con artist/narcissist/asshole. I don't imagine the welcome mat is just popping on to any doorways near you, either.

Pay attention, little boy. You're about to get a lesson in who you can and cannot sling the shit to.

(Naturally this is all dependent on the letter being from a real LW. It could go either way.)

You confess to Prudie all about how mean you are to women. It's like you lifted your story right out of a book labelled "abuser" and scribbled it all down for the Internet lady...who bit. Verbal abuse, check. Unreasonable jealousy, check. Isolating your girlfriend, check. Bringing up her sexual past in order to hurt her, check. Getting a new relationship before the other one even picked up her toothbrush, check. "I thought I was a good guy", check. "I know I'll eventually slip...", check. From there you segue right into the good old self-help/"how do I stop myself" schtick.... Really, it's a thing of beauty. Don't get too excited though, slick. You've fallen all the way into cliche territory with it, too.

This is why I think your letter just might be fake because most abusers aren't that self-aware. Then again, this is EXACTLY the sort of behavior I'd expect from a relatively smart person who IS a serial abuser of women.

So, your last girlfriend took your bullshit abuse for a year or so, then kicked your skinny ass out of her life for good. No doubt her friends got tired of listening to her complain and helped her wise up and see you for the scum you are. Good for her. But that left you with just a teensy problem, am I right? See, people like you can't survive for long without someone to kick around. You NEED to have someone around to validate your sick little world view and if you can make them miserable, all the better. The yelling (yours), crying (hers), the manipulation (yours), it's how you get off! It's the only power you have, isn't it, little boy?

But here's your problem. You're in college. I'm guessing it's not an especially big college, either. In small, and even medium-sized schools, people talk to each other, don't they? This has GOT to cramp your style a little bit. After all, your former girlfriend has probably told the entire world about your scum-sucking-rotten-slimeball ways by now. You only have a couple of alternatives. You have to find some chick who doesn't know about you, or.......

You have to find someone with both low self-esteem and the utter conviction that she can "fix" you, if only you'll "let her in". There are a lot of girls your age that really go for the broken losers like you. A dime a dozen. Most of them wise up over time, and you have to keep on hunting for a few years to get the one girl that meets all of your needs.

I have no doubt you'll find one eventually. Sadly, my gender seems to have an overabundance of people who will spend DECADES taking crap from people like you and then get sucked in by the insincere apologies and promises to do better. You just have to find the right balance of agony and repentance, and you could have one on the hook for the rest of your miserable, misbegotten life.

And this is where the letter to Prudie comes in, isn't it? Your present girlfriend, who you've been love-bombing like a Moonie with a quota, has heard all about your rampant manipulative assholism. She's not quite the idiot you thought she was at first, but not as smart as the last one, either. You have to somehow convince her not only that you CAN be helped, but that you WANT to be and that you've been trying real hard to curb your "baser instincts", which in your case amounts to who you really are.

It's a fine line, isn't it? You have to be the "man" she wants, but in need of just a little nudge in the right direction. I'm guessing that you're busy convincing her right now that the other girlfriends just didn't know how to "reach you", and all you need is your "soul-mate", so you can be the perfect person you already think you are. You're convinced that you can show her the letter to Prudie and she'll be all over you because of hard you're "trying" to "get help". After all, if you're willing to brave the criticism you're taking on The Fray, then you MUST be serious, is that how it goes?

You're a little ham-handed about it right now. I'm guessing you probably need a little practice getting the schtick right. Better hurry up and get one on the hook, though. After most women finish college, the pickings will thin. Grown-up women tend to have a lower bullshit tolerance than the ones you're after now.


2. Are you your mother, girl? You've watched your brother manipulate your parents for your entire life. You've worked your backside off making ends meet while he sat on his because he knew that Mom and Dad would come through because they couldn't stand to see his kids go hungry.

SHADDAP!

How can you even consider giving your ill-tempered layabout of a brother even a NICKEL of your money? In fact, (and I owe this question to a Frayster) how did he even find out that you were getting this money? Did you tell him? Why on Earth would you do that? After all, this is an insurance policy - it could have stayed between you and the company and no one would have been the wiser!

Ok. I'll analyze for you. I'm guessing your brother is bloody terrified right now. He's spent his entire life acting like a child - skating through crap jobs knowing that if he got bored and quit, he could hit your mom up for money. He's never had to face a consequence in his entire life, because he was perpetually being bailed out. Why should he go to school? All he had to do was play the "woe is me" card and the money just flowed in. His wife has been sitting on her tush for years, all because she knew that your mother would always come through. Beginning to see?

Now that the bank of Mom is closed permanently, your brother is soiling his armor and with good reason. But wait, there's more! I'm guessing (and I'm a good guesser of these things) that there was no actual inheritance left, either. After all, your mother spent all kinds of HER money on your brother and probably had no savings left by the time she died. If she owned her house, you probably saw part of that, but that's about all there was, right?

So no. You have no reason to feel guilty about this. Your brother is pitching fits because of plain old naked fear, and for the first time in his life, HE's the one that has to deal with it. Your mother - a smarter woman than you probably thought she was sometimes - found a way to give you money that your brother has no claim to. He will never be able to get a nickel out of you UNLESS YOU ALLOW IT. It wasn't in her will, so he can't contest it.

Prudie says you should throw him a couple thousand bucks to shut him up, but you know the truth, dont you? He will NEVER shut up. He will ALWAYS need cash. He doesn't care about your family, he doesn't care about you, and he would take away your last pennies and let you starve without a pang of conscience.

So what should you do? The next time he calls and whines say this, "It looks like you have a problem. Good luck with that." Then say nothing else. There's nothing to argue about and let's face it - in the long haul $20 000.00 isn't that much money.


3. Ok. I have to restrain myself from banging my head on my desk. Really? You need to ask what you should do?

SHADDAP!

Pay attention. You are dealing with a grown-up adult woman who spreads rumors like she's in Grade Four, tells the neighbors you have cooties, won't talk to you, and sends nastygrams to your husband when you try and reason with her.

Got a clue yet? No? Why the hell did you go around talking to people about the rumors? What were you thinking? Did you consider, even for a second, that by running around trying to do damage control you were giving her all the power? It must have been absolute CANDY to this woman when she found out about it. You played directly into her hands and gave her the reinforcement she needed to step it up a little.

Got it now? Yeesh.

So. You started with the Big Ignore and finally you found something that ticked her off. That should have been the end of it, right? I mean, most people, even the nastiest would eventually move on to another target once they realize that the fun is gone. Ah, but no. She's upping the ante. Her latest game - following you around in her car is starting to veer into Dangerous Person that Can Hurt Me territory.

See, you aren't dealing with most people. I can't believe you haven't figured this out, but you are dealing with a Crazy Person and there are different rules to dealing with Crazy People. I have to say that I don't often say that Prudie is full of crap, but in this case, she's full of crap. If you wave to this Crazy Person, you will be giving her EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTS.

Is any of this sinking in? Am I wasting my time here? Ok. See, this Crazy Person wants to control your actions. She LIKES it when you get upset. She LIKES getting a rise out of you. If you wave at her, in her mind, you are obeying her and she is controlling you and making you do what SHE wants you to. Hey, I didn't say any of this made sense. This is a Crazy Person, remember?

Now, you can hope that she'll finally take both hands off the wheel and wrap her car around a tree or post. That would probably injure her enough that she'd be out of your hair for awhile. What's MORE likely to happen is that she'll decide one day that waving and yelling isn't enough and she'll aim that car at you....just to see if you'll jump. Do you REALLY want to go that far? What if she decides to go after your husband with the car? Do you have any children? Crazy People will do anything to hurt the object of their current Crazy, you know.

Are you in physical danger? Probably not right now. Maybe never. Crazy People are, after all, Crazy. They aren't especially logical or predictable. You may get away clean until she finds someone else to obsess about. Here's my advice.

WAKE THE HELL UP, LADY. You are being stalked. It doesn't matter that the Crazy Person isn't an ex and hasn't held an actual gun to your head. Go to the police, report it. Write down every instance when she pulls her crazy bullshit. If your husband saved her Crazy e-mail, give it to the police. Duh. You need to get a restraining order, NOT a way to make up for the rumors on Bridge Night.

Geez, you just have to hammer a point in to some people.


4. SHADDAP! SHADDAP! SHADDAP! Again. Repeat as necessary.

Kid, if you don't know what to do about unwanted Facebook contacts, then you are too young to be allowed to use a computer. Now show YOUR Mommy all of the messages, "unfriend" the idiot and shut down your Facebook account.

Gawd, I hope no one ever tries a Bad Touch on you. You'd be doomed.

--------- ---------------------------- ---------------

Oops. Sorry. I hit post and then forgot to tell everyone that I'm not ignoring any comments you might make, I'm going away for the weekend and the computer is staying home. In fact, I'm hoping to come back on Monday (maybe even Tuesday!) and find a whole bunch of messages explaining to me how I'm full of crap. This is one thing I miss about the Fray. Tonto could ALWAYS be counted on to give me a negative rating.....

SHADDAP!

(Photograph copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)


Be prepared! I've had a shitty week by just about all the ways you can think of, so there will be cursing and swearing. If you can't handle it, then you can't say you haven't been warned.

Yes kids, it's a photo of gas meters this week. Now why, you might ask, did Messy pick gas meters? Could they be relevant to the letters at Dear Prudence this week? Or is she being ironic in some obscure fashion? Nope. Not really. Although I did have some notion about slapping people who just gas on about their problems without actually lifting their asses to DO anything about them...

Yep, life REALLY IS a Country and Western song for some people....


1. Oh, you poor darling! Your husband fucked your best friend and now he doesn't want you to say anything to her so he can pretend it never happened...

SHADDAP!

Listen to what Hank Williams had to say about it. Listen five or six times until it sinks in, shithead.....because yours is a forlorn hope. That sleazy lout you married will NEVER cry and cry because YOU told him that fucking your best friend was all right with you!

Moron. What is with you? You know your husband cheated. You know that your so-called "best friend" eagerly participated. And you were willing to buy the whole "I'm sorry honey, we were drunk and she fell on my dick" excuse? That one ranks right up there with "He looked like he was going to hit me so I hit him back first" as the lamest excuse to act like a jackass I've ever heard!

SHADDAP AGAIN!

There are a bunch of reasons he has for trying to force you to keep the secret, you know. They could still screwing around. Keeping your "friend" around you means that HE can invite her over and pretend it's all innocent and neighborly. If you confront your friend, he's afraid that her story won't match his and HE might get in some real trouble. He might like your friend's husband and wants to keep socializing with them. OR, are you ready for this? This "big reveal" on his part could be his way of making you suffer.

It doesn't matter. Tell your "friend" that she's persona non grata with you. Get rid of the bitch. Tell her why. Tell her husband why. Just. Get. Rid. Of. Them. Do you really have a burning desire to have to look her in the eye and pretend to be buddies after this? How much of a masochist are you? Maybe you think you deserve to watch the video every night, too and watch them laugh about what a couple of chumps you and her husband are?

Tell your erstwhile husband to pound sand. His actions AND his "reason" were just a bunch of juvenile nonsense, and you've now given him permission to do whatever he wants, as long as he looks contrite. He's a prick. He's an asshole. He's a waste of skin.

Why would you keep any of these losers around you? Or is being treated like shit something that you've aspired to ever since you were a little girl putting wedding dresses on Barbie?


2. Oh my Gawd! I've heard of lousy cooks before, but this is just ridiculous. She really makes you sick? You're afraid to tell YOUR OWN WIFE that you get the shits every time she lifts a finger in the kitchen? How dumb can you be and still be able to breathe unassisted? Worse, if you're that stupid, how did you get your job in the first place?

SHADDAP!

Oh, and get yourself in to see a doctor, genius. You could have gluten or lactose intolerance - best to eliminate those first. Sure, a colonoscopy isn't the most fun you could have on a day off, but hey, It's better than wondering if your next meal will be your last, right?

You didn't say what exactly your wife is feeding you or if you have reason to suspect poison. Maybe your wife realizes just how stupid you are and wants to get rid of you. I don't know. I do know that if your food makes you feel like this , then she may be overdoing it on the spices. It's called, according to The Boy, who has had the reaction after overindulging on Indian street food, Flaming Fire Shit and is apparently excruciatingly painful. I can't really say. I do try and avoid these things, but then I have a sincere aversion to pain.

You ask, "How do I tell my wife that her continued cooking will eventually kill me..." Hmm. Let's see. Try this, "Honey, if you cook for me again, I'll probably end up shitting out what's left of my brain on the way to the emergency room just before I turn myself inside out entirely and die in agony"? Will that work, do you think?

Dumbass.


3. Ok. Your situation well and truly sucks, and no one seems to get that YOU were subjected to an ugly experience yourself. I can't imagine how awful that night was for you, and how being reminded of it every day when you go out to get the mail must hurt. I can't tell you to SHADDAP! You don't deserve it. You've been far more patient than anyone has a right to expect.

Prudie advises that you box up the garbage on your lawn and send a nice letter to the parents of the dead kid.... but I don't think that's what you should do. You have no obligation here, and the fact that the parents are completely ignoring your position proves that they are jerks of the first water.

My advice is to pick up all of the rotting teddy bears, dead flowers and plastic crap and put it in a green garbage bag, which you will place in the garage. After a week, put it out with the trash. Every time some moron puts more crap on your lawn, do the same. Eventually they'll give up. It could take awhile.

Now, even if you never send it, here's the letters the parents SHOULD get:

Dear parents,

SHADDAP!

I've taken down the shrine to imbecility on my property and I will not permit this nonsense to continue. I'm not interested in being reminded of the night I spent watching your kid bleed to death in front of my home because someone convinced him that this is a legitimate life choice instead of a paean to rampant, immature assholism.

I understand the impulse to pretend that the dead are all innocent little angels that never put a foot wrong in their lives. It's bullshit, but it probably makes you feel better both about him and the fact that you raised an idiot who didn't see anything wrong with getting behind the wheel of a car when he was so shit-faced drunk that he shouldn't even have been ambulatory. I'm having a hard time mustering any sympathy for you while you pretend that your son was some sort of little darling and that the evil tree just leaped out at him on the street.

There's no doubt in my mind that you and all his friends are probably weeping and wailing about what a "good guy" he was and how he was a starting quarterback, a scholar, and a really fun fella. None of it changes the his cause of death; Stupid, with a side of booze.

I suppose that the only good thing to come of this is that he managed to kill himself and not anyone else. Most drunks aren't so efficient. They have passengers or hit pedestrians or cross medians and kill whole families instead. His "friends" didn't exactly cover themselves with glory, either, did they? After all, I'm betting that not a single one of them thought they should try and get his keys, or call you.

So don't put any more crap in my yard. Leave my tree alone - it's probably the only reason his car didn't crash through my bedroom while I was sleeping. I don't want to hear from you, see you, or speak to you ever again. Tell his friends not to come around here or they will be charged with trespassing. I'll have to live with seeing that accident for the rest of my life. I don't need you to remind me about it.

...................................................................................................

Lest anyone decide to take me to task because of my assumption that the kid was drunk - the LW gave that away when he/she said that the kid was on his way home from a "celebration". 'Nuff said.


4. Ya know... I just have to agree with Smagboy and Schuyler on this one. So the economy sucks - no news there. As always, when the economy sucks, people decide to join up with the latest pyramid direct sales ripoff and inflict this shit on their friends. I get it. So

SHADDAP!

and get a grip on yourself and more importantly, your balls!

Do you have a garage full of K-Tel crap? You know, those were the guys that marketed the first Teflon pans until the finish started falling off in chunks. How could you forget the K-Tel Patty Stacker - just twenty bucks for a plastic tube that you cram full of ground meat products separated into patties with handy dandy aluminum rings? How about the Popiel Pocket Fisherman? Amway? Avon? Mary Kay? That cheesy lingerie company that sells the all-polyester silk-like undies that fall apart the first time your lovie dove puts them on?

Why, all of those things and many more were sold by the millions door to door and on TV through at LEAST the last three recessions. People DID get sucked in on both sides - buying and selling. I'm sure there's a listing in the DSM somewhere for the trauma that people suffer when their so-called "friends" relentlessly try to sell them crap!

So what's happening to you? You buy this shit out of guilt? Not from friends and family you don't. Most of us have learned the art of telling would-be salespeople to get lost, even when they are loved ones.

No, you have clients demanding bribes to keep dealing with you. No doubt at all, it's a crappy thing to do to you. But threats? I can see if you were running a restaurant and Big Joey was sent over to make sure you were doing business with the "right" laundry facility. That's a little frightening, right? But that's not your problem, is it? No, you have people selling band candy and floor solution threatening to...what? Not use your services any more?

It's your decision, of course. But you might want to point out that you're in business to make money, too, and that's not going to happen if you have to shop just to do business. Duh.

SHADDAP!

(Photgraph copyright 2010, all rights reserved)


It's snowing. No really, it's snowing a LOT. When I got up this morning, I looked outside and there was just an inch or so of fluffy stuff - not even enough to bother with a shovel, just a broom. But then it started again and we're supposed to get 8 to 11 inches of the stuff before tomorrow morning. I hate snow. Seriously, I know I'm Canadian and I'm supposed to be used to it, but no. I hated it when I was a tiny child and that has never changed. I don't know how to ski. Why would I engage in a sport where not only would I be guaranteed to maim myself, I'd have to voluntarily go out in the bloody snow?

There are signs on every street here that say something like "Parking prohibited when more than 2" of snow falls." Fair enough, they have to get the streets cleaned. People ignore it, of course, and after the snow stops every street has a car on it that's been booted, or has a bunch of tickets on the windshield and we don't get to see how many have been towed, but you have to figure a lot.

After that's all done it starts to get really ugly. Chicagoans are dead serious about their parking spots, you see. The rule is that if you shovel it out and call dibs on a spot by putting a couple of dead lawn chairs, some kid's Big Wheel or other garbage in it, it is YOURS and woe betide anyone who dares to park there. There are tales of cars hosed down with water, snow packed on top, and the whole mess hosed down again. Those silly buggers are taking public transit until JUNE. The city is ok with this. It's only when the streets are totally clear that the garbage gets unilaterally hauled away.

Sigh.

This is the week when Prudie gets smacked around. There are times when even she will admit that she fucked up, but this week's advice is ...well...really bad. Read it here: Dear Prudie


1. Teach, you are dead bang correct. Young men who shove their hands down their pants are disgusting and obnoxious and need to be told that. You can start them off like toddlers.

(Ok Billy, you have to take your hand out of your pants. It's not polite. Does Daddy walk around with his hands in his pants? No? Does Uncle William do that? No? Big boys don't do that, and we KNOW you're a big boy now, right?)

Ah, but Prudie, dear Prudie can't answer that question, can she? No. Not her! SHE has to "...talk to my resident expert on the intricacies of teenage-male behavior, my 14-year-old daughter." Oh Prudie...

SHADDAP!

Since when to infants of 14 know how the world works? What the hell kind of school are you sending that kid to anyway? Teachers don't say anything about hordes of young men fondling themselves in public? Really? So tell me then, do these kids also throw poop at their teachers when they don't like what they hear? Sniff each others' bums? Play dominance games where they stare at each other and growl, then pull out their dicks and measure? Have spitting contests in the hallways?

Teenagers, especially young ones like your daughter are not civilized creatures yet. That's why we don't let them drive or operate heavy equipment until they're 16 or 18. We also keep them out of bars and don't let them vote. They have to develop the brain power to do adult stuff before we just turn them loose on an unsuspecting public. Those of us who actually remember junior high and high school are willing to freely admit that kids that age are not too bright about the world at best and beastly little heathens at worst.

Manners have to be taught. Normal people start teaching their kids to say "please" and "thank you" before their second birthday. Little boys can be taught to keep their hands in their pockets and not in their crotches before kindergarten. So why would you tell teenagers that public dick-fondling is all right? Are you HOPING they'll get arrested when they walk past the elementary school?

The worst thing about this whole mess is that you actually think it's all right for your 14-year-old daughter to believe, when confronted by a guy who's feeling himself up in the cafeteria that "...it's not like they're 26 years old and perverts; they're just boys." Oh for the love of green peas with butter! I can't WAIT until that kid of yours starts dating. Are you going to let her out the door when the guy honks from the curb? Let it pass when the kid actually meets you and instead of shaking your hand, dives for his crotch with both grubby paws because he needs "comfort"? Are you going to take your own advice and "(i)gnore the occasional adjustment.."?

Tch. At least you have something to apologize for in your NEXT New Year's letter.


2. I am so sorry that you grew up in such a dysfunctional household. It sounds like you pretty much raised yourself, you poor bugger. Prudie is fond of advising counseling, and I don't think that's a bad idea. Not because your dad was an alkie. You've reconciled yourself to the way he was. I'm guessing that you're carrying a pretty heavy load of anger about the way your mother put him and his "secret" first and pretended your household was "normal".

You don't have to write that eulogy. Refuse and no one will think less of you. One poster on Slate correctly stated that direct family almost never gives a eulogy, so that's your out. Don't go there.

Ah but Prudie, dear Prudie struck again, didn't she? Oh yes, she came up with a doozie on this one. So for Prudie, one more time a big old...

SHADDAP! and

DOUBLE SHADDAP!

What in blazes were you thinking, woman? Since when is one's father's funeral the best place to "...confront(ing) your father's alcoholism head-on."? But you don't stop there, do you? No you have to go one step further and add actual TEXT to what the LW "should" say: "Talk about how he struggled, and lost, his fight with this illness."

SHADDAP! again!

Why didn't you just label that little nugget of advice "how to forever fuck up your relationship with your mother", too?

This guy (girl? I'll assume male.) grew up with a "father" who spent his every moment not at work in a drunken haze, then passed out on the couch. His mother spent her entire adult life wiping up the vomit, cleaning up after dear old Dad when he peed himself and pretending to the world that everything was all right. Mommy was a perfect enabler, putting her husband first, training her child to say nothing to anyone outside the house, and never facing that she was living in a shitty situation.

"Dad" never struggled with anything! He drank, he got drunk, he passed out on the couch EVERY DAY OF HIS LIFE, ignoring the fact that he fathered a son and ignoring the fact that he was mangling the lives of everyone around him. He LIKED living that way! He didn't consider himself "ill". He didn't think that anything was wrong at all! He lived his selfish, miserable life exactly the way he wanted to; filling the house with second-hand smoke and too pissed to see anything beyond his bottle.

So why, Prudie, would you ask that the LW "confront" any of this? Do you think that the image of the mother writhing with shame and pain in the front row at the funeral parlor while her son systematically destroys every part of the image she created for herself about her family is something that her son should have to live with? Is this your idea for punishing "Mom" for fucking up Junior's life? Did you think, for one millisecond, that a woman who has spent her entire adult life pretending that she had a normal family would ENJOY the idea that the world will know about her lies to herself?

I'm surprised you didn't just tell the kid to run a grater over his mother's skin and rub in some salt. It would be less painful for her than being forced to listen to that little exposition you recommended.

Another one for the 2011 New Year's letter.


3. Waaaahhhh..... my piano teacher sucks ass! Waaaaaahhhhh! I'm paying two teachers! Waaaaaaahhhhh! What am I gonna do?

SHADDAP!

Your friend has nothing more to teach you, and you have discovered that not only have you gotten bored with her teaching style, she was NEVER A GOOD TEACHER in the first place. If you learn more from a more professional teacher in half an hour than you did from your buddy in three years, then your "friend" has been ripping you off for those three years.

You say: "I know my friend would be heartbroken if she found out, so I've been sneaking around like I'm having an affair!"

Really? Are you that stupid? Tell me, are you still going to a hairstylist that makes you look like you were mugged by a scissors-wielding, one handed blind man every month because you're afraid of "hurting her feelings"? You'd rather look crappy than do that? Are you still wearing the little dirndl dresses, pinafores, and Mary Janes (Oh yes, Schuyler, I'm predicting that you'll have something to say about that image.) that your grandmother thought looked cute on you when you were four because you just can't bring yourself to tell the old bird that you're a grownup now?

Get a grip, woman! Stop messing with YOUR finances for the sake of HER feelings! If she can't be your friend without taking your cash, then she was never your friend to begin with.

Duh.


4. Ah, another manners issue. I gotta say I'm mostly with the LW on this one. Being texted something like "wanna go out?" for a first date is tacky. It's childish and silly. Men would like for it to be socially acceptable to do this because...well...most of them are chickens when it comes to picking up the phone, especially when they aren't sure what the answer will be. Fair enough. There's pressure there. However no guy ever actually DIED of mortification from being turned down.

That said, other posters have a point when they say that the LW could solve this problem by texting back something like, "sounds like fun, will call you after work". Or something of the sort. After all, texting is here to stay, and even The Boy and I text each other during the day. It takes less time to text, "we out of pbutter?" than to pick up the phone, and it's not something that requires a whole conversation.

But, here we go again! Trust Prudie to kick an LW in the tits over a simple matter of etiquette! I don't know if she was trying for snark or sarcasm or if she was serious. Nonetheless, she needs to

SHADDAP!

Clearly Prudie has gone back to the 14-year-old for advice again. What she missed is that the woman who wrote to her for advice is TWICE THAT AGE. She is a grownup dating grownups and she has a right to expect a little more from said grown up men than Prudie seems to think is acceptable from the crotch-grabbing youth that she finds so charming.

Advising the LW that "it's probably not a good idea to blow off candidates who take the time to ask you out by tapping the request with their thumbs." was..what? Supposed to be actual advice? Projecting much, Prudie? You yourself admitted that this young lady has a number of swains, so why would you tell her to quit being picky? Were you expecting another letter from her in a couple of years after she marries the first guy that asks her about what to do because he never talks to her?

Any man worth his salt from a dating perspective will happily pick up a telephone to ask for a date. That's what grownups do. They make an effort to understand others and are willing to take the time to make reasonable accommodations for their preferences. Why would the LW even WANT to go out with a guy that's so inarticulate that he can't string together a single sentence using his mouth rather than his thumbs?

If this was meant to be funny, it failed miserably. If it was meant to be serious, it isn't even laughable. I suspect I'm not the only one that thinks it's just....bad/tacky/a cheap shot/spoken like someone who was never asked out a lot ........

SHADDAP!

(Photograph copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)


Well, here it is the new year, MMX as it were. Naturally, in Chicago, the new year was greeted by new weather. It's -8F with wind chills of -20F and therefore the first day I broke out the long underwear for the long walk to the movie theater. Ok. It's only a mile. Maybe a little less. Still. No one that knows me would have recognized me, except The Boy. I wore my Coat of A Thousand Ducks, Fur Trapper Hat , Big Gauntlet Mittens and Big Sheepskin Boots. Don't trouble me with the anti-fur crap. As a Canadian, I reserve the right to wear beaver fur. It's our National Rodent and the little buggers can have up to four litters a year.

Most of us are managing our way through the recession, and while it's nice to hear that the economy is doing better, although we'd all like to see it in somewhat more concrete forms. The stupid people are still stupid, the smart people are still smart and people who write to the internet advice lady are still...well, you know about THEM, right?

You can read about the latest crop at Dear Prudie . By the way, there's yet another poll about the holidays on One Messy Lady, and I'm itching to know what all of you think.



1. I have to tell you what The Boy said when he heard your dilemma, "What an idiot! No one can call dibs on a job! It's ridiculous."

I have to agree, and to be fair, several people on Slate also agree. What adult is so spiteful as to bitch and howl about a "friend" getting (or potentially getting) a terrific job? And yet you say, "Was I wrong to apply? Should I cancel my interview? Is there any way to fix this?"

SHADDAP!

What an load of festering shit! How old did you say you are again? I have to guess early 20s at LEAST, because you're doing post-grad work. So why is it that you're still living in a world when a "friend" will tell you to throw YOUR Malibu Barbie in the garbage just because she got one for Christmas, too? This would be amusing if I thought for one second you were joking, but you aren't. You sincerely believe that you might have done something wrong.

Don't be an idiot.

I've had a "friend" like this. You say that your friend even went so far as to say she "doesn't think I'd be happy there." Yeah, right. I had a "friend" who once (in antiquity for you no doubt) told me that I should stop dating The Boy because he "moves in different social circles" than I did at the time. I gave that crap all the weight it deserved. The Boy and I have been together for 24 years. I haven't seen the "friend" since the night she made that rotten comment. I have to say that I'm not only not missing her, I'm having a blast. If I'd listened to her, I'd be where she is. Single and miserable.

Got that? Your so-called friend is a spiteful bitch. Don't let her or anyone else EVER stop you from doing what you want to. Friends don't try to hold each other back. If she really cared for you, she'd be asking you to put in a good word for her after you get hired. Take the job if it's offered and make friends that respect you.

As for the Facebook thing. Close that account NOW. I asked an expert (The Boy - he hires and fires on a regular basis and has done for 20 years.) what he thought about the comment you made. He says that he does indeed read people's Facebook and MySpace pages before interviews. Crowing about getting the interview is not fatal, as far as he's concerned. However - if you have party photos, pictures of yourself scantily clad or drunk or a clear habit of over sharing, he WOULD take those things into account. No matter who you work for, there will be things that you are not meant to broadcast to the world and if everyone's already seen you in your bra with a beer hat on, that's going to make an impression that you just don't want.


2. Oh you poor kid! Losing your mother is terrible, especially so young. No one knows what to say, so they say nothing for fear that they'll hurt you. You won't be getting the big SHADDAP, but I'd like to ask you a question that you need to answer for yourself.

Why don't you just tell them what you wrote in your letter to Prudie? These are your friends, they're feeling awkward and they want you to feel good, so give them a break and tell them how you feel. The good ones will get it. The ones that are too thick to get it...well, how badly do you want them around anyway?


3. I'm shaking my head. You can't see it, but I really am shaking my head. How did you get this so freakin' confused? Stupid, much? Shut your brain off because of sleep deprivation with a baby? Oy. Ok.

SHADDAP!

You're acting like an idiot. First, why the HELL are you considering the feelings of someone who is NOT IN YOUR FAMILY over your own wife? What in blazes is that all about, you moron?

Your wife, you know, the woman who is raising that child you adopted, doesn't want any contact with the birth family. Not right now, maybe never. Got that? Right now, at this moment, YOUR wife doesn't want YOUR child to be in any family but YOURS. This is not rocket science. This is basic stuff. She doesn't want to share her kid with people that didn't want him, and she has the absolute right to make that decision.

Your wife's feelings should be your FIRST concern. It's NORMAL for her to feel the way she's feeling. She needs to be with HER child and she doesn't want anyone around her who can pretend to some sort of claim on HER son.

I know. Open adoptions are all the rage, and we hear all sorts of wonderful (and anecdotal) stories about how warm and fuzzy they are. Does anyone remember another letter to Prudie though? You know, the one where the adopted kid was begging her mother not to force her into contact with the druggies, drunks and thieves that were in the birth family? No? Not ringing any bells? The mother was perfectly willing to shove her kid into proximity with people that should never be trusted with an ant farm, let alone a child, all for the sake of her "heritage". Right. Like she needs to remember that the kid's "heritage" involves a drugged out teenybopper and her much older "boyfriend" who bailed when she got knocked up.

Oprah and her ilk like to rabbit on about "reunions" and actually have dumped adoptees on the doorsteps of the mothers and grandmothers who didn't want them. It looks really pretty on TV, doesn't it? Too bad no one goes there six months later when the birth family has stolen their "long lost child's" identity, destroyed his/her credit and been so intrusive that the kid now has a restraining order against them. Lest any one think this is fiction, I read it in a newspaper interview. The adoptee was furious that her life was being destroyed because someone else took it upon themselves to do them this "favor".

Most telling in all this is that the grandmother contacted you, not the birth mother. Can't take a hint? The grandmother is the ONLY one that's made contact with you and I'm here to tell you that grandparents can fuck up a kid in ways that parents can never undo. After all, she raised a kid that got knocked up at the absolute wrong time and barely avoided wrecking both her life and her son's by giving him to you. DO NOT let her into your life OR your son's.

Listen to your wife. Send back the check and the gift with a note telling the NOT-grandmother that she should open a 529 bank account where she can deposit any money she wants to for college for the sake of the kid and IF he wants to talk to her when he's 18, the choice will be HIS and no one else's. Your wife is this child's mother, not anyone else. Your son is YOUR SON and no one else's. Have enough respect for the woman you chose to spend your life with to follow her instincts and remember the birth family didn't want your son. They gave him to you so that he could have a good life. Respect that, too.


4. Oohhh...the stupidity never ends. Are you seriously telling us that you are considering dumping a terrific guy JUST BECAUSE HE HASN'T GOTTEN YOU FLOWERS?!

You moron. You flaming idiot. Do you have to be reminded to breathe? Really?

SHADDAP!

and pay attention. I have some steps for you to take IF you want to be happy.

a) You know that shelf of vaguely pornographic Harlequin Romances that you've been worshipping for the past 20 years? BURN THEM. That's not real life for anyone, dipshit.

b) Get down on your knees and offer that man a blow job every time you see him every day. He's probably been putting up with a lot of nagging and shit from you for the past year.

c) Every time he does something for you, like help you around the house, taking your kid out somewhere, taking YOU out somewhere, send HIM flowers and thank him for being such a good person and putting up with your shit.

d) Never, not once EVER demand flowers from him again. NEVER.

See idiot, here's the deal. Most men are flower-impaired to some degree. Men are concrete creatures and to them, putting on your winter tires, watching a chick flick with you, taking you out for a meal or loading the dishwasher when you're tired are far better ways of telling you they love you than a bundle of dead plants. Adult women who live in the real world understand that. It's the Way Life Is. Grow or buy your own damned flowers and appreciate your man in the way he deserves.

You say you've never had a relationship that lasted for more than a few months, and your son is a teenager. Catch the hint lady. I'm willing to concede that you may have found a couple of losers. Fair enough - sometimes you don't catch that right away. However, if you've found that NO ONE can make you happy, then the men aren't the problem. YOU ARE.

Get it? Either get an attitude adjustment or reconcile yourself to living alone. Making stupid demands and ultimatums is not what you do to people you love. If that's what you insist on doing, then break up with this great guy and let him find some woman who isn't such a selfish, shallow bitch.

(A day later, I feel compelled to add a comment from a (now divorced) friend on the issue of flowers. She says that her ex-husband used to buy her flowers all the time. Along with an apology for showing up at home twelve hours after he left, drunk and trashing the house. She also got flowers after he was gone all night....or for a couple of days.....or after trashing her car... Got it? What price flowers? I think that she wouldn't give a damn about getting flowers ever again if she had a guy who was as wonderful as the LWs. Something to think about.)

SHADDAP!

(Photograph copyright 2009, all rights reserved.)

Oh, the holidays! A time for rejoicing! Presents! Getting together with family! Presents! Stress! Angst! Presents! Fussing and fuming and fretting! Ah, to heck with all that. I've got a Christmas poll going over at One Messy Lady, if anyone's interested in venting.

All right. I'm late. The most devoted of us (I'm looking at you, Smag), read the letters, come up with terribly clever answers and witty bon mots to delight the heart of anyone who finds smarmy seriousness tedious. Then they post them on Thursday, seemingly within mere minutes of reading them. Now THAT'S devoted. I, however, seem to lack the facility and time to do this on the spur of the moment. I need time to digest, to research, to get my shit together...

But oh, look! While I was doing all that, some wit over at Slate decided it would be nifty to change the order of the letters and write a new headline! Why could that be, I wonder? Could they.....could they.....be hoping that they'd get more hits if people thought there were NEW letters? Have people stopped reading the actual letters and just skip right on to the Fray? Could it be that since we all moved here, fewer people are going to the DP Fray at all?

Inquiring minds and all that. In the meantime, I'll be answering the letters as they appear today at Dear Prudie


1. You know I try to be at least somewhat fair here. If there are serious questions being asked, I at least TRY to look at both sides and all that. But...but...what was it you wanted to know again? Oh yeah..... Your buddy asked you to lie to his wife, you said you wouldn't, now you're wondering what to say if she asks about the alibi you're supposed to provide so your so-called "friend" is off boffing whoever's available...is that pretty much it?

SHADDAP!

What is your major malfunction? Why are you asking the internet lady about this in the first place?

You told your friend you wouldn't lie. You told your wife about your "friend" asking you to lie. And NOW you're wondering if that was a good idea in the first place?

You CLAIM to be a friend to both of these people. Don't you think your friend deserves to at least have an inkling that the guy she married is screwing around and possibly becoming a walking disease vector or knocking up some bimbo? Don't you think SHE deserves a chance to try and either salvage the marriage or make a clean break BEFORE she spends years thinking that all is well, only to be abandoned after wasting decades of her life on Mr. Easy-Sleazy-Diseasey?

Clearly the whole "keeping your word" thing is beyond you. Your friend is banking on that. He's betting that you were all talk when you said you wouldn't lie for him and that he can count on you to be a coward. He's USING you, idiot! Why not just give up now and change your name to Patsy? Get it over with!

Here's what you need to do. Tell your "friend" to get lost. Friends like this you don't need - nobody does. THEN tell his wife the whole story. ALL OF IT. She may choose not to believe you, she may hate you for telling her, she may already know what's going on. That's not your call to make. Your obligation is to tell his wife (or, if you're a total chicken-baby coward and the fact that you wrote the letter in the first place would tend to support that hypothesis) or get YOUR wife to tell HIS wife.

She needs to know what's going on. Man up and help the friend that HASN'T betrayed your friendship and trust by asking you to lie.


2. HAHAHAHAHA! No diapers on TWINS?! Oh, stop it! Seriously, I gotta pee! It's ok, I'M trained! Hahaha! No, no really, I can't take it any more! *sniffle* *snert*........gigglegigglegiggle..... Ahem. Right. *snort*

Ok. But that's not the question. You want to dictate to your friends what presents they're allowed to buy your twins for shower gifts at the shower you're throwing for...yourself!

SHADDAP!

I have to address the diaper thing. I assume your intent is to follow the Elimination Communication fad? Hmm. I read some of the stuff on that web site. Then I had to take a break because I was laughing so hard....again. In fact, if you just Google "Elimination Communication" you'll find all KINDS of sites, blogs, "learned" dissertations, in fact, everything you ever wanted to know about letting your child shit at will while you try and "sense" when he/she "wants" to go.

It's the testimonials that kill me. All these (sorry guys) women rabbiting on about how "close" they feel to their babies and how "meaningful" their interactions are and how happy the babies are to be dangled over a toilet like a newly hooked fish over the hole in the ice. Whatever. It seems to me that anyone who's hunting that hard for a reason not to interact with other adults has issues that are WAY beyond anything I can deal with here.

There are a LOT of reasons why this is a bad idea. Yes, it's true that most kids around the world don't use diapers. As a physician that posts to the Fray said, most of the kids in the world have a better than even chance of getting cholera, typhoid, e coli poisoning, salmonella and all of the other nasties that come from being surrounded by shit. A whole lot of those kids die because of it, too. Basic sanitation has saved more lives in the past 150 years has saved an incalculable number of lives.

But wait, you say! MY house is clean! Kids are washable! Sure. Of course. For now. This is where you enter the realm of fantasy, my friend. I'm getting the distinct impression that you have no idea of the sheer tonnage of shit ONE baby can generate, let alone two! And baby poo is probably one of the nastiest substances known to the universe, too. For one thing....it's GREEN, it's stickier than superglue and smells worse than the world's worst Superfund sites. Plus, and you're going to LOVE this one... the ability of a baby to smear shit on every surface in a single room has NOTHING to do with the level of their mobility. That's right, even a completely helpless newborn can liberally beshit furniture, doorknobs, parents, pets, clean laundry, and cars with no apparent effort. And that's when they're ALREADY wearing a diaper!

In any event...you're in for some surprises. All parents are, even those that have done the baby thing before. It's ok. And when you spend that first night getting up to feed the twins only to find that you're up to your elbows in excrement, which means stripping off the kids, the cribs, doing all that laundry, and scrubbing down all the hard surfaces with bleach (babies DO have gut bacteria, and it doesn't matter where it comes from, e coli makes everyone sick) while your partner wields the formula bottles and tries to get them back to sleep. Just as you put them down, you will be showered in pee and barf and have to do the whole thing all over again.

No one will want to see you on their doorstep because no one wants their furniture to look and smell like yours...barnlike with a faint pong of sour vomit and organic poo. I predict that within twelve hours of your joyous arrival home, the local 7-11 will run out of Pampers and you'll be on the phone to a cloth diaper service, BEGGING them to make an exception and deliver before morning.

It's ok, though. Kids are tough. Probably yours will survive even YOU.

Now, as to the question you asked. Well, it's tacky to throw your own shower in the first place. You probably know that, and if you didn't, then your mother severely neglected your etiquette education, so it's not your fault. If you want to make people do what you want as far as presents go, then get someone else (NOT you and NOT your partner) phone around with registry information. Be warned, though. Not everyone will obey. People are funny that way. No matter how ridiculous YOU think the present is, you do not get to sneer at it, throw it in the trash (The landfill? For shame!) in front of them.

Wow. All that unsolicited advice. I'm REALLY GLAD that I have no children, because I'd probably start smacking people who tried to tell me how to raise my kids...


3. I'm sorry about your mother. It must have been very difficult for you to go through that by yourself. Why are you wondering what to do about your thieving aunt, though?

SHADDAP!

.. and think for a second. Are you ever going to be able to look at this woman again without wanting to smack her? Like Prudie said, there's no chance for any kind of relationship there again. So put that out of your mind. You don't care if you offend her in the least, and you don't want the sort of person in your life that would take advantage of her own sister's death to make a few bucks.

Your aunt is an evil, conniving, miserable waste of skin. If she'd been drowned at birth, the world would have been a sunnier place. You're right. Stop feeling guilty about thinking that's what she is, because you're right.

What can you do? That's the problem, isn't it? I'm guessing that your financial situation, while not dire (you would have mentioned that) is not exactly terrific, either. The medical expenses alone have to be pretty bad, and I know what a funeral can cost. It's outrageous. That had to be a real hit to your pocketbook, you're going to take awhile to catch up, and the whole idea of your aunt keeping that money must make you furious. I get that, too.

You need to tell someone, someone who has more clout with the family than you do. Is there another aunt or uncle that you would feel comfortable trusting with this? How about your mother's friends? A grandparent? A lot of people just don't understand just how expensive things are and how much is left over to pay even with insurance. When you find someone you can talk to about it, show them the invoices. Let them know just how much money you're out. Tell them everything, then sit back and wait for the fallout.

I know there were people on the Fray telling you that you should just "live and let live" and "go along to get along". Some were telling you that you "have" to keep peace in the family, that you shouldn't rock the boat and so on. A few even told you to get over it because you'll make that money back in the end anyway. They're wrong. If families can't be frank with each other, they have no business calling themselves "family" in the first place.

Your aunt does not deserve to get away with this. Your mother did not deserve to be used that way. Neither did you. You need that money. If you can't actually get the cash, then the entire family deserves to know just what kind of person your aunt is. No doubt she's playing the angel right now, basking in the glow of her "charitable" act while planning the purchase of her new waterbed, large screen TV and Corvette.



4. You're spending Christmas Eve with your parents, who you KNOW always go to church that night. You invited your boyfriend to spend Christmas Eve with your family, KNOWING that going to church is part of the deal. You TOLD your boyfriend that when he spends Christmas Eve with your family that going to church is expected.

SHADDAP!

I was inclined to cut you some slack, knowing that you're barely out of teenagerhood and not yet versed in all of the ways that adults behave. I really was. But you started out telling us that you plan to marry this guy one day, so I decided to treat you the way you're acting. Like a childish and clueless adult. So there. No one's asking you to like it.

A lot has been made on the Fray about this whole atheist vs. christian thing and how you two should break up now because it will never work between you. I cry bullshit. In fact, anyone who tells you is suffering from a severe case of cranial-rectal inversion. If anyone ever tells you this to your face, ask them to substitute "white" and "black" for "atheist" and "christian", then tell them to

SHADDAP!

If they don't get it, then to heck with them. They don't deserve your time.

Whew. Now. This is not a religious problem. This is not (really) a dating problem. This is a simple matter of etiquette. Ready?

Right. See, you told your boyfriend what the activities will be for the evening. If he were REALLY uncomfortable with the whole "going to church" thing, then he SHOULD have declined the invitation and offered to meet your parents another time. He didn't do that, therefore he has to participate in the evening, sit through a church service (no one has ever actually DIED of boredom) and get over himself.

See? How easy was that?

Now you go on, and here is where you show your age. First you say that he'll go if you ask him to. THEN you go on to say "I don't think it's my place to force him."

You aren't "forcing" him to do anything. You didn't "force" him to agree to the invitation. He CHOSE to attend. Part of that is going to church for a couple of hours. Tell the boy to suck it up and deal. A couple of hours out of his life for the potentially lifelong good will with your parents? No contest.

Oh, and give your parents a little credit, why don't you? They aren't stupid, and I'm betting that even if your light'o'love decides on the rude and churlish action of staying home in front of the TV while everyone else is at church, they won't pitch a fit or yell at him. They MAY say something to you, but that's when you have to make a decision. Whose opinion is more important to you - the guy that you're planning to spend your life with, or the parents that you don't even live with any more?