29 September 2011

SHADDAP! Grow The Heck Up Edition

(Photograph copyright 2011, all rights reserved.)

Meet Sarah. She is the most reserved..... ok. Why gild the lily? She's schizy and skittish and all of those other adjectives that one would give to any kitty who runs and hides when the phone rings...but only sometimes. Sometimes, she can stare down the garbage truck and I'm sure she thinks she's terrorized it into going away. Other times, she hears it a block away and scoots upstairs to hide under the bed.

The first couple of times the cat sitter came in when we were out of town, he says he didn't know we had a third cat. Now she shamelessly cadges treats and acts cute for him.

We think there's a little Siamese in that gene pool, too. When she was about six months old, she started getting black hairs around her face and ears and she has a few black whiskers. Of course, she can be as silly as any cat. She also has a thing for riding on my shoulder. In her world, this means an endless hug and a chance to purr in my ear and nuzzle my chin. It was easier to let her do this when she weighed four pounds than now, when she tips in at eleven.

What a don't get is why this bundle of solid muscle (she's scary-strong, just try to clip her toenails) who is faster than just about any cat I've ever seen lets the other two pick on her. They bug and bug and she takes it. Until..... Until it goes too far, or someone nips her tail or ear. Then she goes postal, chases the offender until they keel over panting and swats them three or four times for good measure.

The moral? Well let's see. Everyone has a certain bullshit tolerance. Mine is as close to zero as I could get and still qualify as "human". My favorite quote is from (of all people) Judge Judy, "Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining". Sarah has a fairly high bullshit tolerance because she's a sweet girl. Even she has a breaking point, though and woe betide the one who exceeds it!

(Find the letters here(ish):


1.  I have to say, I don't have a good SHADDAP! for you. You don't deserve one. You have been through an absolutely vile childhood that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Your mother sounds like a monster among humans. People like her are sadly not that rare, either. The form may change, but the level of abuse you suffered is all too common. If you doubt this, have a look at the comments below the letters this week.

You're amazing, though, you know that? You are a truly fantastic person. It's a tribute to your strength, bravery and sheer toughness that you've managed to make a good life for yourself, with a devoted husband and friends who love you. You earned your life and you deserve what you've got now. I can only admire someone who's done what you have.

I only have a few of suggestions for you. If someone tells you to "forgive" your mother, tell them to pound sand. What she did to you is unforgiveable, and it's all right if you're angry about it. You have every right to be furious with her.

I see that some of your siblings are still in contact with your mother. I can't see why they'd do that, because that's just not who I am. Please, please don't let your siblings bully you into seeing your abuser. I've heard all that nonsense too, about my father, the scumball. You'll hear about how she's getting older, or that she's lonely, or that she'd really like to see you.... and you know what? No one has the right to say that to you. If you don't want to see her, tell your siblings to


Enough is enough. Don't let them nag, either. If they won't stop babbling about it, then leave. Walk away. Make it clear that this topic is not open for discussion and if  they're going to bring it up all the time, then you'll have to end the conversation. Then do it. Do it every time they bring it up.

I have another request for you, too. See a therapist, even if it's only for a couple of visits. There are good therapists and bad ones. Some will be not good for you, but fine with other people. You don't want someone who is just going to make you re-live that stuff and cry on their furniture. You want someone who will help you find real ways to cope with your feelings and realize that what happened is over and YOU are in control of your feelings now.

This is not going to be easy. I had nightmares for years, too. A wonderful, supportive husband helps. Talk to your doctor. Find a therapist who you feel comfortable with. If you work at it, eventually you'll find that you can put this in the past. You will never forget it, but you'll learn to live with it. Realize that she no longer has any power over you except that which you give her. Then take it back.

2.  Ok, I read your letter. You used to go out of your way to be an asshole (I'm going to assume you're male.), dress like a slob and push people around at work. You even cop to being childish. In short, like Prudie said, you're the jerk that everyone writes to her about.

But oh! An epiphany! A baby is coming and you had a change of heart! You have started to remember the manners your Mommy taught you. You've learned not to dress in the dark any more! You're beginning to act like a grownup!


That's all very well and good, but you wrap it all up with the following two sentences:

"Is there anything I should do that will make people realize that I've changed? Or should I just go somewhere else if I want different treatment?

SHADDAP! again.

What the hell did you expect? A good conduct trophy? Not happening, boyo. You haven't changed in the least. You're still acting like a spoiled child. Jerk.

And so what? You wanna take your truckie and go away to pout because people are proving a little more immune to your manipulation than the average six-year-old? Double jerk.

No one trusts you and they're wary of this so-called "change" you've worked on yourself because they're convinced it's just another stop on the road to Assholeville for you.

You've given them no reason to like you and in fact, you've given them every reason to avoid you like the plague. You have no right to demand anything from these people and you can't "make" them change their minds about you. Even serious grovelling is not going to help you out. You've never been sincere in your life, why should you get a break now?

Get real, kid. What was the real reason for the change? Did someone finally wise up and tell you that your job was in danger? See, you might be very, very good at what you do. Either that or you have a horseshoe up your ass and no one noticed your jerkitude before now. But there are a LOT of people who would happily take your job and do what you're doing AND behave like professionals.

You'd have to be even dumber than I think you are if you think just changing jobs is going to make people trust you. In any industry, there's gossip. People know what you were like. Pretending to grow up now might actually take...eventually.

3.  Oy. If I have to listen to this "honesty and trust" shite again after this, I'm going to run away and join a circus or something. What a load of crap that is! Total honesty is something that no one really wants. No one wants to know how many tissues you used when you had your last cold and no one cares about your latest bowel movement, either. I could go on.

Ok to summarize, your girlfriend has used this "honesty and trust" garbage as an excuse to tell you she's not attracted to you. Twice. She was serious both times, but goes on to claim that she "...said she just feels comfortable enough to tell me silly thoughts that come in to her head...".


First, did you know that losing one's internal censor and blurting out everything that comes to mind is a sign that doctors use to diagnose Alzheimer's or dementia? Seriously. When Granny starts spouting off about all sorts of things that normal people just don't talk about, like the size of Gramps' dick, that's when  the doctor sends the old bird off for an evaluation.

Second, with that in mind....what are you, thick? You KNOW for a fact that this supposedly great girlfriend of yours deliberately said something that she KNEW would hurt your feelings. You KNEW she was serious about it. Why on earth are you even considering taking this crap for? Got a little cranial/rectal inversion going on?

Why do you keep this bitch around? Do you like being insulted? Don't you get that people who love each other don't go about insulting each other? What she's doing is not related to her feeling "comfortable", it's all about diminishing and belittling you. The sad thing about it is that you seem to be taking it!

There is NEVER an excuse to say nasty things. Especially to someone that might potentially end up being one's life partner. Politeness, as in not  telling your spouse that they look like a dyspeptic Shar Pei in the morning when they have pillow-face, is something that everyone deserves, no matter how close you are.

What this chick is doing to you is really abusive, you know that? She's starting out by insulting and belittling you and making excuses for her vile behavior. This is not going to improve. If you take her crap, she'll only get nastier and you'll end up feeling that she might be right.

Run, don't walk away from this rotten human being. Find a nice girl who really likes you and would never even consider being rude to you. Ever.

4. Oh, this is an easy one. It really is. I love this stuff.

You and your husband need to name a guardian for your children should you drive off a cliff and kick the bucket at the same time. That's reasonable. That's what couples with kids should do when they're writing wills and buying life insurance so their children will be supported financially - RIGHT? You did that stuff, RIGHT?

You take it a step to the stupid side, though. YOU want your precious babies to go to your parents, who are in their 60s ad 70s. Your husband says no, they should go to his sister and her husband. You're pissy about that because they live far away and haven't visited you enough times to suit you.


Grow the hell up, sweetie. Have you even ASKED the grandparents if they're willing to raise your kids? Did it even cross your mind that they've done that job already with you lot and they might not want to go there again? Do you think for one second that these people, when they're in their 70s and 80s will even be ABLE to raise your kids?

You're an idiot. It's presumptuous beyond believe that you think it's ok to dump kids on your aging parents and in-laws. These people are retired. They don't want your kids, believe me. All of the grandparents I know freely admit that they're glad they can send the little darlings back home...to their parents...when the visit's over. Raising kids again, when they thought they were done with that is their idea of hell on earth.

I hope your mother boxes your ears when you tell her your plan. You deserve it.


Well, it's been raining just about constantly here for the last six days straight. That sucks. Even the cats are bummed. I even started taking my Vitamin D again, hoping for a mood boost. It works. Seeing the sun would work even better...Sigh. The Boy also brought home his first head cold of the season last week, so I've been snuffling and headachey all week, too. Double sigh.

Pitiful, right?

I'll just keep on watching the forecast and writing the SHADDAP!S. That'll set me right. Oh, and shop for shoes. Shoes are good.

23 September 2011

SHADDAP! Open Your Eyes Edition

(Photograph copyright 2011, all rights reserved.)

Meet Charlie. It's not easy to get a picture of him, because he's generally moving at light speed. It's not worth taking a picture of him when he's sleeping because, well, he sleeps weird. I know I shouldn't talk that way about my beloved pet, but it's embarrassing. When he sleeps, he's usually upside down, his eyes are half open and crossed, giving him a zombie-like stare, his tongue sticks out, and he drools, it's kind of disgusting to watch, frankly. Also, he snores. Loud. This is a rare moment of conscious repose for the big guy, so I'm glad I was fast with the camera.

Now Charlie (aka Chuckles, aka Charles, aka Now What?!, aka Oh No You Don't!, aka You Little Fart!) has become a verb in our house. It didn't take long, either. How does a creature become a verb? Easy. This is a cat that does not know the meaning of "look before you leap". He's all about the leaping, the looking is just not there at all. For example, a friend recently asked where our table lamp went. My response? "It got Charlied."

"How about that vase?"


"Weren't we supposed to have cake for dessert?"

"There was a cake. It got Charlied."

We should give him a break, though, because he is only a year and a half old, which my vet assures me is about 9 years old in human terms. He's allowed to rip around playing, falling down the stairs and tripping over his own tail - don't ask how he did that. I saw it happen and I don't even know. He's the equivalent of a kid is what I'm saying. He has time and he doesn't have to be a grownup just yet.

So what the hell is going on with the PEOPLE this week? Find them here: http://www.slate.com/id/2304305 (And I just KNOW that the Sage is going to pop by my e-mail and tell me how to make that a link again).

1. So. You got a phone call from your husband's fuckpuppet letting you know that she...exists and has been screwing your husband for nine months. Just as an aside, did you ask if she was knocked up? Idle curiosity on my part.

You naturally went to your husband and got a spiel that would make any con man blush, it's so transparent.

"Oh baby, baby, YOU'RE the only one for me..... I only screwed her the once and now that bunny boiling bitch just wants revenge because I didn't want to do it again..... Don't you trust me baby? Can't you see she's a lying bitch?...."  *barfing noises*

Whatever. Tell him to


Now think, cookie. What kind of dumbass are you? You want to believe him, don't you? Sure, he's charming and nice and he laughs with you and he's good in bed....


Getting a divorce is a pain in the ass. But do you really think this guy is your "soul mate"? Give me a break, and wake the hell up. First, there are no "soul mates". That's just a load of bullshit made up by wedding planners so they can charge you more for the flowers.

Second - Of COURSE he's charming! Duh! How do you think he gets women to sleep with him? What, you think they just take one look at his dickitude and hurl themselves at him, stripping all the way? Is that what YOU did?

Do you sincerely believe that the fuckpuppet who phoned you is the only one he has? Really? I would be willing to bet some serious money (like a whole buck) that she's just the one that had the chutzpah to pick up the phone! For every silly bitch who calls the wife, there are half a dozen more waiting in the wings for their "soul mate" to understand how devoted they are to him. You know, that would be the guy YOU were stupid enough to marry.

How long did you know him before you married him, anyway? A weekend? Two? Just enough time to say to yourself, "Gee what a charming guy, and he's talking to little old ME!"

If you had taken say, six months to get to know the guy, you wouldn't be in this mess, hormone-girl.


Look. *takes a deep breath* This guy is what Dan Savage calls a CPOS. For the uninitiated, that's Cheating Piece Of Shit.

Now go away, kid. You bother me.

2. Ok. This was a two second letter. You have a friend that you've always admired because she's what? Blunt? Says what she thinks with no internal censor? Has the soul of a Dalek?

She invited you and your mother to her wedding, but not your dad because after all, he has cancer and he'll be dead by then. You complained, she called you a drama queen and.....what?

Do you sincerely believe that anything you could say to this...person... (there are no words) could possibly make her understand how horrible she is?


Oh believe me, darling, she KNOWS how nasty she is. She's probably been laughing her ass off at you for years at the way you've been sucked in to tolerating her bullshit. Did you not get the hint when you realized that her favorite hobbies were puppy-kicking, baby-tossing, and peeling live beavers? No? Did you fail to notice that she has...how many friends? You? More? How long do they stick around?

The fascinating thing is that she actually found a man that wants to marry her! I guess it's true that finding someone to marry is easy. That even makes a twisted sort of sense. Charles Manson, John Wayne Gacy, and all of their peers get letters from women wanting to be their "soul mate" (what a load of utter shite that phrase is) and marry them every day. By the pound.

Prudie was right. RSVP "no". Never speak to that psycho again. Re-evaluate your urge to be treated like shit. And fertheluvamike DON'T get married. Not for a long, long time.

3. Kid you gotta grow up. It's true that life ain't fair and it's kind of sad that you're getting clobbered with that now, but you have to be the grownup here. Your parents are sure as hell not acting like adults.

To recap - kid graduates a private college after parents tell him not to go to a state school, they'll pay. He (I'm choosing to think it's a guy) gets a job from Americorps for a year, a tiny stipend, and plans to stay home for that year. It's not that bad a plan. Too bad it's not working

See, the kid's parents now want half his tuition back. To the tune of $80,000.00. Now.

To continue:

Your parents are broke to the point where they're selling off their assets and they see you as their cash cow for the near future and possibly permanently. Tell them to


First, go for a walk. Think while you're walking. Ready for the smack upside the head that is reality?

Your parents are not acting in your best interests. They are acting ONLY in their best interests. I'd guess that they've always been fuckups with money and it's just hitting them now how stupid they've been. You want evidence? They sell property to pay a debt and they want YOU to go on a vacation with them with the money. That's a sign of sure-fire fuckuppery. Sigh.

I get that you feel sorry for them. I do. What I don't get is that you seem to feel guilty about this whole mess...


You say you get a pathetic stipend. Use it to find a roommate, someone you work with that's in the same boat would would work. Or rent a room in someone's house. It won't kill you not to live in a four-level split for a year. Coping with utter poverty at your age is a good learning experience and also a guaranteed way to teach you not to follow your parents' example, right?

Now, you're basically volunteering for a year...so NETWORK! Get names and numbers. Job hunt. Wait tables on weekends or something. Do whatever it is you need to do to survive. You wouldn't be the first kid to leave the program because you found a decent job.

Your parents will whine. Your parents will bitch and howl. They'll fall down, kick the floor and hold their breath until their faces turn blue. Too bad. They're big now. They'll deal.

4. This is another easy one, but I suspect that I'm going to catch some hell with my answer.

The LW is a young woman who lives in an apartment building. In the same building, there's a young man in his twenties who is mentally disabled (SEE how PC I can be?) and lonely. He hangs around the doorway greeting the LW and wanting to talk to her all the time. She finds this somewhat unnerving.

Got that? So


and let me answer. Thank you.

Prudie says that you should find someone to talk to the mother about programs for this young man, and that would be a noble thing to do. Go for it. He's bored, he'd enjoy that, and he'd be out of your hair.

Now there's one thing that Prudie and all of the other posters aren't thinking about. We are talking here about the mind of an eight-year-old in the body of a grown man. Think about what that means. Eight year old kids do throw the occasional tantrum. They are not always pleasant to be around. Combine that with the size, strength, hormones and sex drive of an adult male, and it can be a recipe for trouble.

The LW does not see this guy as seriously threatening and that's good. Probably she's right. People tend to dismiss the mentally disabled, though. They see Special Olympics posters with smiling, competent Down's Syndrome kids and think that's what all of them are like. They're not. People with Down's are as different from each other as the rest of us are. Never forget that. This kid needs help. Someone has to make sure he gets it.


Gotta go. Charlie wants a hug. He is just so stinking cute! You should hear that purr.